“Does it happen to you too?” - a comic school monologue-scene. Variety monologues Humoresque grandmother's monologue

Increasingly, humorous monologues for women are heard from concert stages and television screens today. A real breakthrough in this direction was made by the Comedy Vumen program. Yes, and brought many humorous monologues for women to the light.

Ladies' irony: with your sword and with your ... neighbors!

Humorous monologues for women are often directed against the shortcomings of the fair sex. That is, the ladies, as it were, laugh at themselves. And this is the zest that humorous monologues for women are so attracted to. Liberated, not embarrassed to seem ridiculous and ridiculous, the artists allow you to see your shortcomings from the outside.

Here classic version: an offended wife shares her pain with her friend on the phone.

And count, he says to me: “You don’t have a hobby at all!” I have it - and no! Yes, I can open doors with my hobbies without the help of hands! And if I want, I can easily carry a bottle of champagne and a couple of pomelo things in them unnoticed from the wedding. Well, citrus with them - let it be “pomelo” ... You, Ank, why are you picking on me? I didn't understand... Are you for him or for me?

Fight, seek, find, don't let go!

A whole layer of ironic works is devoted to the problem of finding a soul mate. About how creatively some ladies try to solve the issue, humorous monologues about women that will surely make the listeners smile.

Basically, in miniatures, a trait of most people can be traced: they imagine themselves completely differently than others see them.

The second "trick" is reflections on the representatives of the stronger half, which organically fit into the woman's humorous monologue. Ladies can talk endlessly about men! They simply love to remember their past connections, share their experience, how to “tame” their husbands, educate them. The search for a soul mate is devoted to humorous monologues for women, the texts of which are presented below.

Announcement in the newspaper about the acquaintance "Cat in socks"

Somehow, a granny showed up at our office alone. Well, God's dandelion is one word. From somewhere in the depths of her skirts, she pulled out a completed form of a free advertisement and laid it out on the table.

I took a piece of paper in my hands and read it. And I'm just amazed! Granny's fantasy, it should be noted, is still what ... inexhaustible! The first sentence blew me away. Listen to this: "My cat! An affectionate and caring kitty is waiting for you in her cozy apartment, on a soft bed ... Hurry up, otherwise someone else will take your place!

And although we are instructed from above not to go to clients with our ideas and tips, I could not resist and asked: “Granny, why do you need this“ cat ”? You live quietly in your cozy apartment - and that's fine. And then some rascal will appear, smoke, scatter socks around ... "And the grandmother answered me:" Daughter, where did you see cats in socks, huh?

Granny really was looking for a cat for her cat, but I already thought it was not known what.

Humorous monologue of a woman about men "Fatal sexy looking for a soul mate"

This text can be a continuation of the first thumbnail, since the action takes place in the same edition where announcements are accepted. But this time a lady of very magnificent forms in a lilac short coat, a green hat and an orange scarf came. The announcement said that the fatal sexy is looking for her soul mate. Okay, I clenched my teeth and kept silent: sexy so sexy, everyone has their own understanding of this word.

Monologue about the first wife and cabbage jam

My first husband was, in principle, a good person. He was just too obsessed with food. Whatever I cook, he always compares it with my mother's cooking. "Cucumbers don't fry!" And why? These are the same zucchini, only unripe. Why not fry them? “They don’t make jam from cabbage!” It's strange ... They cook from a tomato, cook from a pumpkin, but not from cabbage?

I am a fantasy person by nature. And I don't like walking on beaten paths. In general, we did not agree with my first characters.

A story about a second husband and a suit from under the bed

The lady - fatal sexy - continues her humorous monologue. Men and women switched places as if in her story. This adds irony to the speech: they are still accustomed to the fact that it is the stronger sex that sometimes allows itself to come home in the morning "under the schof", and the lovely wife shames him in the morning for misbehavior. The stereotype is broken. Here the couple mixed up the roles.

My second husband was German. He pissed me off with his punctuality! Don't come home drunk at night! Well, what kind of statement is this? Where else can I go at night? It’s too early to go to work, but it’s too late to see my friends ... And when I wake up, the brain is taken out in the second circle: don’t shake the ashes into the sugar bowl, don’t look for the suit under the bed. And where else can I look for it, if I hung it there ... That is, I put it. Well, in short, he himself collapsed there! A bore, in short, in a word. And with this we did not agree on the characters.

Monologue about the third wife and lost socks

My third husband was an Estonian. With him, our socks became a stumbling block. Yes, yes, such simple things as ordinary socks can cause a divorce! “I am tep-pe at-tal a good number of us-skoffs, each pair rolled into a ball of trunk after trunk. Pa-achimu ani at tep-five is losing?” How do I know why these socks keep getting lost? I already began to put them in a lump, rolled up, into the washing machine. Failed again! Here my missus didn’t like that his sweater changed color. There was some greyish, nondescript such. And it became - a breathtaking color! Actually, there turned out a whole combination, one might say, rainbow colors. A designer find, by the way ... But - my husband did not appreciate the flight of my imagination. Did not agree with the characters and with this. Here, now last hope on you.

And the "fatal sexy" straightened her orange scarf, throwing it carelessly over the shoulder of a lilac short coat.

Over the morning cocoa, a comic school monologue from the series “Do you do that too?” came up by itself. I had to go write

To be honest, here are these memes “and you too ...?” from the very beginning caused bewilderment, and then - and slight annoyance. Because I love constructiveness and development, but here I see a swamp and a dead end (yes, I also love cocoa, so what? Are we brothers now? Thank you, no need)

And so the text at first turned out to be cool, but very sarcastic. I read it, laughed, threw it away, wrote it again - already softly, calmly, kindly.

What does he look like to you? Read carefully)

Comic school monologue scene

“Does it happen to you too?”

You sit in your room, do not touch anyone, carefully pretend that you are writing homework. In fact, of course, you think how NOT to do it without consequences. And it seems that he almost came up with it, but the idea has not yet been fully formed ...

And here you are! The door swings open - mother flies in with a rag. Quickly wipes dust off the table:

... And she rushed off to her brother's room ... Judging by his heart-rending cry, she also wiped something there ...

That's it - the thought is lost, the lessons to do completely the mood is gone. He, however, was not there, but here it was completely gone.

And in the dust on the table, by the way, Egor's nickname in "Tanks" (replace with something more suitable ) has been recorded. And now the dust has been wiped off, with whom will I play?

And the window? In September my diary was blown into it. That's good, then I didn't mind. But in the following days, why open? Or is mom waiting for him to blow it back? ... Although ... Maybe somehow try to make the electronic diary blow away with a draft?

Does it happen to you too?

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Or here's another situation!

You sit in the classroom, do not touch anyone, carefully pretend that you are studying Newton's 3rd law. But in fact, you painfully decide what to do in the first place - to add a mustache and beard to his portrait in the textbook or decorate your hair. And the fact that he is already gray-haired at the age of 40 is not the point!

And then suddenly, for no apparent reason, right in the midst of serious thoughts, the teacher calls you to the blackboard, can you imagine? And asks this very 3rd law of the unfinished Newton! The question is why do this?

The law is not learned, Newton is not painted, I am generally at a loss ... What will my parents be like when they find out, I just keep quiet about it!

Does it happen to you too?

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You go home so sad after school and console yourself with the only thought - tomorrow is a day off, you can not pretend that you are sleeping, but really sleep until dinner.

But what do you think? In the morning at 7 o'clock, a good dad comes in and cheerfully says this:

I got up with my eyes closed, found by touch charging from the phone, from the laptop, from ... ( something else ). I bring them to dad, I ask:

Which one should be done?

Papa laughed.

Okay, comedian, the joke is credited, go to sleep already.

And what kind of sleep is there when we lie and turn around: in bed - I, in my head - a thought. More precisely, the question is:

And what, in fact, is wrong with these chargers? And why should they be done early in the morning on a day off?

Does it happen to you too?

Okay, I'll go - my Newton is unpainted and the exercises have not been done.

Yes, and the dust on the table must be shaken, otherwise where else to write down important information, isn’t it?

Bow, applause, curtain.

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How to put this monologue of a schoolboy?

Options:

• Exactly - the text is read by a young man with good diction, who can change voices / intonations and speak expressively (and one such young man is already known to us. Watch the video with him right below the article)
• In the form of a silent scene - one student reads, and other children nearby depict actions without words (they stage the words of the speaker)
• Like an ordinary scene, but with the author's text - the children-"actors" pronounce their words in the course of the play, and a little aside, someone else reads the text from the Author.

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Wishing you Dear Readers not only to take, but also to give something in return,

Your Evelina Shesternenko,

site Holiday on Bis.

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My monologue “Does it happen to you too?” read by Daniil Kolotvinov. Applause, ladies and gentlemen))

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Goons-ghouls, ghouls-ghouls, ghouls-ghouls... Dimochka, Dimochka, don't sit on the pigeon. He will still fly! Here you go! Again booty on the asphalt! What did your grandmother say to you? Go stand side by side and throw crumbs to the birds! .. (To a neighbor.) And this is the first time I see you here. What an adorable granddaughter you have! Ah, it's a girl! Never would have thought! Look, she is holding a bird by the tail and picking her beak... Let her pick it? Will you rest for now? Well, of course. Everyone has their own way of educating...
I also do not limit my Dima in anything. I, you know, also no longer have the strength to limit. Dimochka, if anything, can spit! .. Dimochka, Dimochka, don't beat the birds with a shovel. Better go pick the beak with the girl! There he is, lying under the bench. (To a neighbor.) But tell me, my dear, do you ever see your girl's parents? I have already begun to forget my own: they work during the day, hang out in the evening, go skiing on weekends ... You say it's an expensive pleasure? .. Well, you know, my son-in-law makes decent money. We sometimes go with Dima to visit them - the refrigerator is full. But Dimochka does not want anything from them, because he eats from my plate. As soon as the muzzle of this freak appears at the bottom ... like him ... ah! pokemon - so we ate porridge. No, we still eat porridge. Here I stand to the death: I have a small pension. Are you just lollipops with a wrapper? ..
Dimochka! Dimochka! Spit out the seed husk immediately! Why are you pecking her off the sidewalk? Go, grandma will give you her husk from her pocket! Here, eat well! Look, your girl plucks feathers into a bunch and licks them. Let him lick? .. Will you rest for now? Well, of course, everyone has their own methods of education. Dimochka also licks the battery sometimes...
Does your girl sleep well? And we're just in trouble. Until you perform "Tachanka" three times, you will never fall asleep. Don't you sing? Oh, do you beat the tambourine? We also had a drum before, but the neighbors thought that our load-bearing walls were being broken all the time, so they constantly called the police ...
Does your granddaughter love pets? Oh, do you only have a python at home? And the granddaughter herself feeds him with live rats? Well, of course, everyone has their own methods of education ... You are probably preparing her for the Airborne Forces? No, I just asked that ... My son-in-law served in the Airborne Forces ... And here Dimochka bit the cat, and bit the dog ... Some kind of crazy, God forgive me! His parents still want to give him a hand-to-hand fight ... Should they fill up the bear? .. Dimochka, Dimochka! Why are you crying, baby?! Look, look! Your girl chewed his ear through his hat! What does "let it go!" mean? After all, she chewed on my grandson, and not on a stranger! Let him go at once, you wretch! And now I'll chew you myself! Metal teeth! Ugliness! She feeds the python with rats ... And then such girls walk around - and the doors in the entrances are demolished. A slight movement of the hip. Don't cry, Dimochka! Do not Cry! In war as in war. You will know how to bite my Tuzik and Murochka. Where are they now, poor things?.. Everything! March home! Dine and sleep! And no "Tachanki"! Grandma is resting today! In nature, damn it!

Granddaughter, go to court. You can do nothing else. Remember, you asked me to tell you about love? I’ll tell you right now. That’s right, sit down and don’t forget to splash some tea for yourself, well, for me too. What should I start with? At first? So the time was like this - everyone around was shouting about the decline in morals and almost everyone used it (yes, nothing has changed). Girls and boys started looking for halves early and often looked for them by simple selection. Well, that's right, a preface. And now a saying. When I was thirteen, one appeared, let's say a teapot. He walked, sighed, dedicated poems to me, called me to go somewhere with him, and I dynamized him (don't tell dad that I'm teaching you ancient slang). Everyone around me was saying: “Masha, you are a fool, this is a Kettle, he is unrealistically cool and generally starts!”. But I didn’t care, I didn’t pay attention to him and he disappeared from my social circle. And somehow erased that he was that he was not. Yes, it happens, a person is so uninteresting and unnecessary that it is immediately erased from memory. And then, then I was fifteen, I was a stupid laughter and constantly flew. My young man was a real Giant. A giant with wheaten hair, sly eyes and a lot of tales (windbag). But what do you understand at fifteen. I remember autumn, bright and cold, running down the alley towards him, he picks me up and circles and circles. We had a favorite tree there, we sat under it and he talked about what our wedding would be like, how to jump from a bridge so as not to break and everyone else nonsense. One day the Giant called and said that we should part. You know, I felt relieved. You see, honey, I was very tired of him and his stories, stupid jokes and excessive narcissism, and he was not a person, but a delusional generator. We seemed to be fine together, but tiring, somehow wrong. All that remains for me from those relationships is an increased craving for adventures and love for the Crematorium (this is such a rock band, look what rock is on the Internet). Well, I already said! There was no love there, we just were together for some time until we found out - this is a mistake. So what is next? Then I was harmful, imagined myself wise and, to the best of my understanding, tried to help people. As I remember now, my then passion for passing by the kids caused a lot of delight and the song “Red-haired, freckled killed grandfather with a shovel”, he walked and smiled at them through his feigned sullenness. The three of us often sat on the roof - me, him and the guitar. Ryzhy didn’t know how to speak plainly, except for music he was practically not interested in anything, he was terribly jealous and a heavy type. With great difficulty he endured my love to disappear somewhere, suddenly, to the ends of the earth. What do you mean you understand it? Don't you dare judge your grandmother! And look at yourself, who do you think you went to? I was tired of his jealousy and eternal scandals, my disappearances and reciprocal tantrums settled in his liver. So we parted .. friends. Joking aside, we still sometimes meet and talk. We did not want to get used to each other, give up our habits and acquire new common ones, or forgive these same habits. Our love didn’t work out, but our friendship turned out to be good. Once your grandmother was bored. Imagine, I am familiar with this state. So you imagine the right kind of Metalist? No? Google it. He, too, was bored and it was an occasion no worse and no better to meet. It was great to wake up next to him, go make breakfast, try to understand the heavy weird music he admired. It was unusually warm with him. Metallyuga wanted to take care of this. The days passed simply and monotonously. We were missing something and despite the fact that it was good, it became completely boring and everything fell apart. Yes, granddaughter, sometimes when it's warm and good - it's not enough, you need something more. While I was with this guy, I learned to wait and be patient. I am still grateful to him for that warmth. Love? What kind of love? I don’t know, or rather I know it’s not there. She was watching me ahead. IN Once again I was bored, and I had a toy, your grandmother walked and thought, and whether to change her toy or it will do. I’m walking down the street, and then I meet a Teapot, that same Teapot, such a whole, well, a Teapot. And I realized what a fool I was at the age of thirteen, when this same Teapot was at my feet. All this time I was looking for the Teapot. He came up to me, we started talking, then realized that we were in a hurry, and decided to go to the skating rink together the next day. We rode for a long time, laughed, fooled around. At some point he caught me and kissed me. The world collapsed, convulsed and died, unable to withstand my happiness. And I began to build new world. Peace for me and Teapot. For two weeks I lived like in a fairy tale. I had my Kettle. The best, the most necessary. And then he called and said that we should leave. The world died a second time. I rushed to him to ask why. It turned out that he found out about my toy, which I forgot about. I cursed my forgetfulness. And the Teapot went into the army and left it to me to decide for myself whether to wait for him or continue to play. It was a year of terrible mourning. I was a living ghost of myself. I waited. He came back and became your grandfather. What do you mean we're both crazy? Remember, child, your grandparents are reckless. Did your dad tell you about our tricks? How are you still watching this? By the way, we are behaving decently enough! Well, as a result, I do not know what love is. They say that she can suddenly jump out and hit her head with a dusty bag, or she can gradually grow out of one fleeting glance, she can come and go, or maybe she isn’t. No, I don't like my Kettle. It’s just that it’s good to wake up with him, embark on adventures, swear and even get bored. Now pour grandma some more tea and run errands, granddaughter.