Husband annoying? No plans for the future? Family crisis: what to do. It's all frivolous

Sometimes it happens like this: wake up, have breakfast, live a weekday, do everything out of habit. Staying next to your spouse no longer brings former joy, rather, on the contrary, it weighs. This state can last for years, and it seems that something needs to be changed, but there is no desire.

Codependency is the second most popular problem that spouses turn to a psychologist for. And now we are not talking about people living with alcoholics or drug addicts. We are talking about psychological dependence on the person who is nearby.

All good things are in the past? Codependency Symptoms

On the one hand, any addiction is bad, on the other hand, a few years ago, they decided to attribute love to addictions and even diseases. My answer is that addiction is rather inferior, so the prospect of such a relationship is usually vague. But fix something in the power of everyone!

Let’s start with the symptoms of addiction.

1. People live in the past, memories take up most of the time spent together. It seems that all the best has already happened in your life. You often remember the first years of communication, romance, jokes, and even the one you had then. At this stage, people tend to idealize the past, that is, fill the events that happened earlier with their emotions.
2. There are claims associated with the desire to change something in your spouse. We are talking about what was characteristic of him before, but you liked it and did not cause irritation.
3. You do not have a joint vacation, although you used to have one. A couple of years ago, you liked to walk in the park together or go to exhibitions, but now you feel good only when you are alone.
4. There are no joint plans for the future and no desire to build them. You stopped fantasizing and thinking about what will happen in 10 years.
5. The thought that you will part does not cause you, but at the same time you do not want to take steps towards parting.
6. Your life is characterized as a "swamp", but you do not want to change anything.
7. You (or your partner) disclaim all responsibility for what will be, hoping that everything will remain "as before."
8. A codependent person worries a lot about others, but, as a rule, is absolutely indifferent to himself and his fate.

Family Relations: Causes of the Crisis

Many will call it a crisis or a habit. In psychology, they talk about codependency in a relationship if such a state lasts more than a year. Naturally, the question arises about the reasons, because this does not happen in all families, on the contrary, it is rather an exception to the rule.

The reasons are different:

• The “parental model” is to blame: such relationships were in the family - the father and mother went with the flow, lived for the sake of the children and did not change anything for years.
• In childhood, the personality of the child was suppressed by overprotection.
• Personality is suppressed already in adulthood. For example, a woman lives for many years under the influence of her husband, without work or self-realization, without the opportunity to be financially independent or free in her desires.
• A person is in a state of post-traumatic stress, for example, after experiencing the loss of a loved one.
• The low self-esteem of someone who is codependent also affects.

Three Types of Codependent Relationships

Codependency is a multifaceted phenomenon, and dependent relationships in a single family can be radically different from the situation in another couple. Psychologists distinguish several types of codependency.

The first type of dependent relationship- one partner acts as a "guiding star", and the other follows him. Typical phrases uttered in the case of this type of dependent relationship are: “I made a person out of you”, “where would you be if it weren’t for me”, etc. It was this type of relationship that was common after the war until the 70s of the last century. The man was the prize, and the woman was very attached to him.

Problems such relationships may be as follows.

The "luminary" can happen star fever. He becomes an authoritarian dictator in manifestations and behavioral reactions. Shows disrespect to his partner. “Since I am a star here, then a star is everywhere.” Because of this attitude, disappointments often occur in other fields where he is not so appreciated.

Following the "star" loses himself. The rays of the "star" are too bright, and behind them the follower does not see problems, difficulties, forgives all insults. There is a feeling that without a "star" he will not be able to exist, and his life will fade.

With such relationships between parents, children especially suffer: one partner constantly watches the “star”, and the other cares only about the strength of his “glow”. In addition, children are required to be like the ideal in everything.

What to do? Follower needs his own life: meetings with friends, hobbies or work. It would be good for Zvezda to remember that “it hurts to fall”, and there is nothing better than partnerships. From the fact that they look into your mouth and indulge in everything, fatigue will soon come.

Goal-setting can come to the aid of the follower. When you set goals, even on a microscopic scale, and achieve them, the degree of self-satisfaction increases, and the need for the light of the “star” decreases.

Tactile contact and trust in a relationship will give you everything you need, and there will be no need to "bask in the rays" of your partner.

The second option is “dissolution in a partner”. Characteristic phrases: “I live for you”, “you are everything I have”, “I love you more than life”, “I dissolve in my beloved”, “he is the meaning of my life”, “without him I am nobody”, etc. d.

Problems. Such dissolution in another person leads to the loss of oneself. This is similar to the first type of dependence.

There is a danger that the partner will blackmail with his life. The partner is constantly being reproached for the life laid on his altar. The object of love is suffering and looking for a breath of fresh air on the side.

What to do? When cured, much depends on the spouse in whom they invest. It is he who can turn the tide by pointing out that he does not like this unhealthy cult.

Get carried away with something else: all the same hobbies will help.

You can change the hero: for example, switch attention to the child (by the way, this type of relationship often comes to naught with the birth of children).

Very useful short separations, they give you the opportunity to concentrate on other things.

To occupy your head with something or someone else, you literally need to find a problem for yourself! Even if it's small. For example, get a puppy.

The third type of codependent relationship is power over the other. These relationships are perhaps the most unhealthy. Here one is the victim, the other is the aggressor. In these relationships, one partner constantly says that he does everything for the sake of the other. And the other suffers from this, realizing that he is being used.

Problems. There is a serious decrease in self-esteem and an increase in the self-criticism of the victim partner. The second partner develops the manners of a tyrant. Power over one person is not enough for him, children begin to suffer.

What to do? If a partner who takes the position of a tyrant does not hear anything and does not want to change, you need to run away from him.

But first you should evaluate all the pros and cons of being in such a relationship. Do it in writing. Often in such an alliance, the choice is "either you or you."

Such a marriage can begin to develop according to a normal scenario, if the victim throws off the burden in time and realizes himself as an active person and a self-sufficient person.

09.09.2015 13:19

In the city of Kargopol, a billboard with the image of Igor Orlov and a call to build the future together was placed on the building of a long-term school - local residents, eking out an existence without drinking water, were shocked by such a thoughtless and cynical approach to conducting an election campaign. This is reported by the own correspondent of "Echo of the North" in the Kargopol region.

Take a look at the photo. In the right-bank part of Kargopol, a billboard was posted with a call to support Igor Orlov in the upcoming early elections for the governor of the Arkhangelsk region.

Everything would be fine, it hangs - and let it hang for itself. But the billboard, as a mockery, was placed on the scaffolding surrounding the unfortunate long-term construction, the same school, the construction of which has been “in progress” since 1992.

Truly, "there is no worse enemy than a zealous blockhead performer."

Such a PR move causes local residents, at least, bewilderment. From the billboard, Orlov calls “We are building the future together!”, but the residents of Kargopol are perplexed: what kind of construction can we talk about here?

Moreover, the right-bank part of Kargopol, where 80% of the houses of the housing stock are emergency, is completely deprived of drinking water supply. Agree, far from the most inspiring prospects for the future.

Meanwhile, in the midst of Igor Orlov's election campaign, the regional newspaper "Kargopolye" published an article stating that construction work at this facility is in full swing.

Perhaps it is. But according to Roman Fadeev, a specialist in the construction of the district administration, given in this article, it became known that more than one tens of millions of budget funds would be required to continue the work. (quote):

“Money in the amount of 15.5 million rubles, allocated at the beginning of the year, was disbursed within the first three months, then the contractors worked on credit. The debt to them at the end of June amounted to more than 23 million rubles. The ten million allocated by the region part of the debt was repaid, but in July it increased again.

We hope that the financing of the construction from the region will be timely so that the object will be commissioned, as promised, in the spring of 2016.”

End of quote.

Recall that about three thousand people live in this part of Kargopol. It would seem that the combination of the above factors makes this situation even more absurd and comical: a long-term construction, an election race, a billboard with Orlov as a hint at building a future that is now vague for local residents, and reality is worse than horror films.

In reality, people do not laugh at all. They have no drinking water and their houses are almost falling apart. And here is a billboard... Building...

Throughout the entire election campaign, Igor Anatolyevich constantly uttered the thesis that he was sure of his victory, and that he perceives the elections themselves as a report on the work done. At the same time, the election campaign itself did not exude this confidence at all. A complete cleansing of the electoral background from any political heavyweights. Instead of them, as the Belomorkanal news agency has already reported, one-time political characters were appointed for the election race in the race with Orlov, and it all looked like a massacre of babies.

All the election months there was a massive PR of the governor, who regularly appeared from any iron in the region. All this was completed with a rally-concert in support of Igor Orlov, which took place last Friday with the participation of Alexander Rosenbaum. This action itself very much reminded me of the memorable campaigns of the incapacitated Boris Yeltsin, which he danced on stage during the “Vote or Lose” action ...

Why such a large-scale and costly PR bacchanalia was needed, despite the fact that the governor was verbally completely confident in his victory is a big question. It is clear that this is not his fault: everything was run by a gang of PR people, in whom all two convolutions lead to the only secret - to the dough. And they know how to throw dust in their eyes and powder their brains.

All the other candidates, with the exception of Orlov, carried on a completely sleepy campaign, as if under duress. Madame Ositsyna stood out from the general background, and she received almost 20%. But again, this is not her merit, it's just that the LDPR in this election campaign concentrated on three regions: the Arkhangelsk, Amur and Smolensk regions. That's where they invested. And if for a second we imagine that the party would nominate a non-disposable character and instead of a mannequin, a hyped figure would appear in the race, like State Duma deputy Yaroslav Nilov? One hundred percent would have been the second round and great reason to believe that after it the power in the region would change.

What is the result: in the Arkhangelsk region, the lowest turnout in the country, but even with this minimum turnout, Igor Orlov did not achieve a crushing victory. Foolish people will now talk about the inertia of the voters in the region, refer to the sunny Indian summer, to the massive digging of potatoes. Everything is so, but this is the tenth case. It’s just that people shouldn’t be kept as a herd and fools. They react sharply to injustice and deceit. And here the voter clearly understood that the past elections were not conceived for him. All this is the work of the authorities and near-power forces.

The election of the supreme power in the region on September 13 was arranged exclusively for the power itself. On the one hand, to throw dust at the theater and demonstrate success to the center. And on the other hand, to carry out the balance of power in the local power elites, in which Igor Anatolyevich has not finally fit in in recent years.

Already now we can say with full confidence that the reconciliation with the mayor of Arkhangelsk Pavlenko and the further promotion of the mayor of Severodvinsk Gmyrin were completely disastrous. One was saved from a criminal offense, the other should be brought to it in justice - the person is well-deserved ...

But Igor Orlov was repeatedly warned about this: persistent hostility to Pavlenko in Arkhangelsk brought a lot to naught. Even the required 50 percent has not been collected in the districts of the regional center! Severodvinsk has the lowest turnout in the region. Despite the fact that the city has always been considered advanced in political affairs and interested in them. Despite the fact that Igor Orlova himself constantly positions his special connection with the city of shipbuilders. But here, again, with a ridiculous turnout, fewer votes were cast for Orlov than in the region. In the summer, Mayor Gmyrin, who was then running away from the criminal case, was appointed head of the election headquarters of Igor Anatolyevich, it was he who was supposed to make the election weather for the governor almost under 70%. I did it ... But will conclusions be drawn from all this? ..

So it turns out that the authorities played the election for themselves. In this context, the governor's slogan calling for building the future together looks ambiguous. Build with whom? As a result, it seems that this appeal was not directed to society, so it did not respond to imitation and deception. Although the slogan itself is beautiful: for the first time we were told that the region could have a future. And we have long forgotten about this, watching the succession of the exodus of the most active and promising forces, which, as a rule, do not hold here. The main thing is that the thesis about this future should not be empty electoral rhetoric.

Igor Orlov is still little versed in all kinds of political intrigue, and it is possible that there was a banal sabotage of the ruling elites in the region with a big stone in his bosom. All this public has been sitting at the feeder for many years in their prihvatizirovannyh places and pulls the region. For her, Orlov is still a stranger, perhaps for now ...

Before the elections, Igor Orlov made a tactical move - he made peace with the elites. His elective alliance with Pavlenko can also be perceived as an act of deliberate humiliation. This is what they call: to show stable and strong power. That's just ahead of the five-year term and it is not so easy to get off. If everything goes in the same spirit, then this period can quite easily turn into a swamp. This swamp has long since opened up in our country with our bad luck against the governors. It's time to stop this series of blunders.

Strategically, he will hope that Igor Orlov, having secured a five-year mandate, and having drawn realistic conclusions from September 13, will bring out the incapable and self-serving boyars and replace them with people serving the region. Drive with a broom all these suckers! Oprichnina has long been suggesting here, otherwise we will all drown and dissolve in this swamp.

And, of course, you should trust people more. 53% with a turnout of 18% - this should be seriously analyzed, otherwise with whom are you going to build the future?

Get rid of this addiction, from the surrounding swamp. Drive, drive them with your back. Work for history, work for the region, and remember your inglorious predecessors more often. Do you want the same memory of yourself? ..

Andrey RUDALEV

: if mentally they are already "losing" the scene in the hall of the Wedding Palace, then their boyfriend, as they say, is neither a dream nor a spirit. He not only, he, in principle, does not plan anything serious in relation to the young lady. But the girl either does not notice this, or does not want to notice.

Director of the Vladimir dating agency "Me and You", family psychologist, consultant on interpersonal relations Elena Kuznetsova listed six of the most obvious signs that a young man does not have far-reaching plans for a young lady.

1. Dates are usually spontaneous.

Almost always, when saying goodbye after a date, a man says: “Let's call” (let's write, see you, etc.), while not specifying exactly when this will happen. A suitor may disappear for several days, and then suddenly appear and invite him to a restaurant. Such spontaneity most often indicates that the girl is clearly not in the first place in the priorities of a young man. In other words, . So, what serious intentions can we talk about in this case?

The only exceptions are those who work hard and do not belong to themselves. They see the chosen one only when a “window” forms in their busy schedule. At this time, a man can call and ask, for example: “What are you doing? Let's meet".

2. Does not introduce to relatives and friends

Here we should immediately make a reservation. If a guy introduced you to his parents and (or) friends, this does not mean that he has serious intentions towards you. Perhaps it is in the order of things for him to introduce another passion to mom, dad and his company. So . But if a young man avoids introducing you to his loved ones, then this.

“If, within six months of a close relationship, a man does not introduce a woman to either family or friends, he is unlikely. It makes no sense to hope for a joint future with such a gentleman, ”warns Kuznetsova.

3. He does not get acquainted with the close circle of the girl

4. Doesn't talk about the future

According to Elena Kuznetsova, men, in principle, do not like to discuss the future with their chosen one. Something like: "Let's get married, build a house outside the city and get a dog," - this is not all about the conversations of the stronger sex. Themes of a shared future are more often raised either by youngsters or by those whose confidence is well supported financially.

Everyone else avoids long-term planning. However, if a man is really seriously interested in a woman, he will still utter a "code" phrase:. It should sound within six months of your dates. If after six months of close communication, the gentleman does not call you to move in with him, or does not offer to rent an apartment together, etc., then most likely he does not plan a future with you. You are already quite satisfied with him - how. For example, for intimacy.

“If a man is seriously interested in you, he. He wants to constantly smell you, constantly touch you. He likes to take care of you, and he likes that you take care of him. In this case, the partner quickly offers the girl to live together. Provided, of course, that they are both free, and there are no reasons preventing them from living together, ”concluded the psychologist.

5. Doesn't call him his girlfriend

It is rather difficult to imagine a situation in which a man will ceremoniously say: “This is Masha. ". If a young man introduces a passion to relatives or close friends, then in principle they already know who Masha is.

On the other hand, it has now become quite fashionable to call a young lady, with whom a man mostly meets, simply a "girlfriend." The word "girl" has a deeper meaning. This is a certain status, which implies not just sex, but also a more serious relationship. It happens that a man makes a reservation “according to Freud” when he is suddenly asked: “Is this your girlfriend?”. And the guy who treats the young lady "without fanaticism" can automatically answer: "No,".

Kuznetsova emphasizes that this point is ambiguous, and advises the young ladies of men, and more - on his actions, because "a man should do, not talk."

6. Dates always end in sex.

This indicator is also not obvious, but nevertheless. If the couple's relationship was originally based solely on sex, then the man will perceive your meetings exclusively in an intimate context.

If the "kneading" was initially not only on, but also on mutual sympathy, as well as interests other than sex, then a guy can meet a girl without a "bed continuation", but this will not mean at all that he has serious plans for your joint future .

“Sex plays a huge role in a couple's life, but not that much. Maybe the girl is a pleasant companion, and the couple can watch a movie together or discuss something. There is nothing special about this, and this does not mean that a man has serious intentions towards a woman, ”says Kuznetsova.

If you have questions for psychologist Elena Kuznetsova, you can ask them by writing a letter to the email address of the AiF-Vladimir editorial office: [email protected] .

Build your future together

It is logical to start taking active, purposeful actions to build the future we would like to have. We need to start building our own future. We need to start collectively purposefully selflessly, with full dedication to build our future. Years go by. We are getting older. Time is running out. The future is ahead, what will it be like for us? Where will we be in 20-30 years? After 40? Are you satisfied with the future that may be?

The roots of the future are being laid now. You need to understand this. Now we can influence our future and direct it in the right direction. We can model it however we want.

No one but us will build it for us. We must build it ourselves. A future in which we would be happy, immortal, enlightened, protected, etc.

I appeal to those students who truly possess devotion, who value the Dharma as the meaning of their lives, who share the sacred connection of samaya.

You are my students, if you want to gain awakening quickly, be ready to dedicate your whole self to the great ideals of service to the Universal Power of Enlightenment. One personal practice is not enough. The world is an illusion not only yours, but also a common, joint, collective one. You will not be liberated, your practice will not give a deep effect precisely because your contemplation, your desire for liberation, your energy is dissipated by the powerful energy of the samsara mandala, the collective maya, the illusion as a universal convention, the collective agreement of all conditioned humanity.

You are placed in this against your will, and it has tremendous power over you, whether we like it or not. If you are a naked avadhuta ascetic, then the collective maya has no power over you. However, in your case, this is not the case, not at all. This means that the illusion has tremendous power over you, and you are completely dependent on it. However, letting the collective illusion control and condition yourself is tantamount to forgetting all hope of liberation.

I don't think it suits you. What to do?

We must learn to act together, collectively, as a self-organizing, superintelligent, gigantic collective mandala that benefits one and all. Working together, we should unfold the gigantic mandala of Divya Loka and build a new civilization based on our spiritual experience and knowledge.”