We live with our parents: personal experience. Should a young family live with their parents? At what age is it better to leave your parents?

Valeria Protasova

Reading time: 6 minutes

A A

Each unit of society - a young family - dreams of its own square meters in order to live separately from relatives, to feel like the master and mistress of their own home.

But sometimes circumstances develop in such a way that newlyweds have to live with their parents , and at the same time, each family member needs to make an effort to maintain a warm, spiritual atmosphere in the house.

How to achieve maximum comfort in the current situation - read below.

A young family lives with their parents - the pros and cons of living with their parents

• If a young family does not have the funds to buy or rent housing, then living together with parents will help save enough money to purchase your own living space. Read also:
• Positive family experiences of the older generation, built on trust, mutual respect and understanding, will help a young couple build a relationship on the same principles.
• When two families live under one roof, household issues are much easier to solve. For example, while the daughter-in-law is at work, the mother-in-law can prepare dinner for the whole family, and after dinner the daughter-in-law can easily wash the dishes. Or, on a day off, a son-in-law will help his father-in-law dig up potatoes at the dacha, which are intended for the whole family.
• Intimate conversations between parents and children help strengthen relationships between generations. By the way, from such conversations you can learn a lot of new things about your soulmate, which will help reveal your chosen one from all sides.

All these points can be attributed to advantages. But, as you know, every coin has two sides. So in a young family living together with their parents, there is negative sides :

• After the wedding, at the initial stage of living together, the newlyweds experience period of rubbing in and getting used to each other . This process is very difficult for both spouses. Added to this is the need to form friendly relations with parents. Not every young family can withstand such a double load.
• Emerging conflicts with parents at the everyday level (the daughter-in-law put the plate in the wrong place, the son-in-law refused to go fishing with his father-in-law in his free time, etc.) do not help strengthen the young family, but, on the contrary, add quarrels to the relationship between the young spouses. Read also:
• It is very difficult for parents to resist giving advice. , impose your opinion on a young family. They simply need to be advised on how to raise children, solve household issues and spend the family budget. Psychologists say that it is for this reason that young families most often break up.
• By the way, if one of the spouses wants to live with their parents, motivating this “so as not to offend them,” this is an alarming signal that indicates partner's inability to live independently , as well as personally make decisions and bear responsibility for them. He is dependent on his parents, and if you accept the situation, you will have to live by their rules. Read also:

Living with the parents of the husband or wife: the most common causes of conflicts between a young family and parents

I remember a monologue from one famous film: “I respect your parents very much. But, thank God, I'm not an orphan. Why should I constantly adapt to your parents? If I do something, it's looked at under a microscope. This is such tension!

Every family has its own rules and traditions. The spouse who lives with someone else’s parents will always feel “out of place.”

• Most often, conflicts break out on domestic grounds. , for example: the daughter-in-law splashes in the bath for a long time or prepares borscht differently than her mother-in-law. And the son-in-law, instead of going to the market, as his father-in-law usually does, sleeps until 10 in the morning. Constant moralizing by parents causes negative emotions, which then spill out either on the parents or on each other.
• Another common cause of conflict is the topic of raising children. . Grandparents, who are accustomed to raising a child the old fashioned way, impose this system on young parents who might want to raise their child using modern methods.
• Sooner or later, financial claims arise. Parents who pay utility bills in full, buy household appliances for their home (washing machine, microwave oven, stove) and other items used by everyone, will eventually get tired of it, and reproaches and misunderstandings will begin.

How to live with your parents and maintain a great relationship - ways out of difficult situations

If a young family lives with their parents, then they must remember that the owners of the living space where they live are their parents, and their opinion will have to be taken into account.

• In order for everyone to live together as comfortable as possible (as far as possible), everyone needs when communicating be polite, do not raise your voice, try to understand your interlocutor .
• Parents need to try to be more patient , do not impose your opinion; if you give advice, do so in a delicate manner.
• Everyone should help each other in difficult times , support, encourage if a young family or parents have problems.
• Preferably more Before living together with parents, draw clear boundaries u: discuss issues regarding payment of utilities, raising children, etc.

Living with your wife’s or husband’s parents can even be very comfortable, calm and convenient, if there is not too close a connection between parents and their child. And if mommy still can’t decide to give her child up to some “klutz” or “armless daughter-in-law,” then it’s better make every effort to live separately as soon as possible.

Parents try to help their children throughout their lives. Even grown-up boys and girls remain little children for their parents.

Some believe that it is their duty not only to raise, educate and give a start in life, but also to help with work, housing, etc. Therefore it is not surprising that adult men still living with own parents and feel quite comfortable.

Possible reasons:

Housing problem.

In the modern world, it is very difficult to rent a separate home, let alone buy a separate apartment. One salary or savings is absolutely not enough for this. Therefore, a huge number, and not only those, live with their parents. Even after getting married, there is nothing left to do but bring your wife to your parents’ house.

Comfort and coziness.

Who can best take care of a man than his mother. There is a familiar atmosphere at home, always tasty and satisfying food, a well-equipped life, and my parents will also throw in some money. You can spend your personal money for your own pleasure.

The unknown is scary.

It’s quite difficult to cross the threshold and start a new life, an independent life. Moreover, you will need to arrange your own life, buy food, cook, buy clothes, etc. Only the strong decide to do such an act and leave their parents' home.

Parental peace of mind.

Most parents believe that they will live more peacefully if they control the life of their child, so they do not let him go even a step.

Lack of own income.

Many men are simply not able to provide for themselves, so they sit on their parents’ necks. They don’t even try to find a job, because they still know that their parents will help. As you know, whoever wants to work will look for it, and whoever doesn’t want to will find a million reasons. After all, parents will certainly feel sorry for their son, who was again not appreciated by demanding employers.

Bad experience.

Maybe he already tried to live separately, but it ended in a bad experience for him. Therefore, having returned again under the parental wing, I somehow don’t want to leave. Moreover, parents most likely will not insist on a new attempt, since suddenly their child will fail again.

For parents, children are the meaning of life.

There are some parents who believe that their life should be completely devoted to their child. Every day they convince a man how much they love him, and how much they cannot live without him. Well, how can a son offend his parents, so he lives with them to this day.

Unfortunately, not all young couples have the opportunity to purchase or even rent housing. In this case, there is no other way but to live together with the parents of the guy or girl. You can hear many stories about living together, usually quite gloomy ones. However, let's be fair, there are also those who are satisfied with life in the same house with their husband's parents. Perhaps they know some secret or subconsciously do everything right? Psychologists say that if you try very hard and follow some rules, you can build a good relationship with his parents even in such a difficult situation. What recommendations will there be from experts?

Don't set your own rules

Before you appeared in your husband’s house, each family member already had their own rules, traditions, and habits. Naturally, none of the household members should adapt to you. On the contrary, since you are a new member of this small society, you should adapt to its rules. Perhaps over time you will be able to add something to the rules of the general routine, but at first there is no need to try to change the way of life of the people living in the apartment.

Ask questions

It is important to understand that you are a new person in the house, and you have the right not to know something. Therefore, do not hesitate to ask: what is where, why certain devices are needed, where you can put your things, and so on. If you take or do something without asking, you can provoke a conflict or, at least, an awkward situation. Usually, over the course of living in a house for a long time, people acquire habits and have a clear idea of ​​what should be where. It is better to ask if you have the slightest doubt, and even more preferably, ask your mother-in-law, as the mistress of the house, to tell you in detail about all the rules in the house.

Take part in business affairs

We can distinguish two absolutely unacceptable types of behavior of women who find themselves in their husband’s family. The first is excessively active housework, which often causes disapproval from the husband’s parents, especially the mother-in-law. This is understandable; it is difficult for two housewives to get along in a house. The second extreme is complete disregard for household affairs, when the daughter-in-law behaves like a guest. In this case, pretty soon she will earn a reputation as a lazy person and a slob.

What to do in such a situation? The best way out is to discuss everything with your husband’s parents. Decide together who will do what chores, and try not to ignore your responsibilities. This will help avoid grievances and conflict situations.

Contribute your share to the budget

You should not think that your husband’s parents are obligated to support you, even if before the wedding they fully provided for their son. With your arrival in the house, expenses have increased, so you should also contribute to the overall budget. Even if you eat separately and use only your own things, there are still utilities and other general expenses of the family budget. Therefore, every month allocate some part of your salary to the “common pot”. Of course, if your husband’s parents categorically refuse to take money from you, you should not insist. You can thank them for this by buying something nice for them.

Solve nutrition issues

Decide right away how you will eat. If you want to cook separately, you should discuss the cooking schedule in advance, since it is difficult for two women to do things in the kitchen at the same time. In this case, you may need to purchase some kitchen utensils, dishes, or even a separate refrigerator.

If a young family eats with their parents, the cooking procedure needs to be discussed. If your mother-in-law takes over this process, you can do the grocery shopping. Also, sometimes they set a cooking schedule, for example, one week the mother-in-law cooks, and the next week the daughter-in-law cooks. In such a situation, the girl should find out what dishes are usually prepared in this house, when food is served and other details.

Usually a woman has more problems with her mother-in-law. Why this happens can be discussed for a long time, mentioning maternal jealousy, and generational differences, and different upbringings, and much more. It is more important to think about how to build a normal relationship with your husband’s mother if you are forced to live in the same territory. Psychologists advise considering the following:

• You should not assume that your mother-in-law is obliged to love you, just as you love her. Try to build friendly, respectful relationships without expecting too much intimacy;
• Do not try to re-educate your mother-in-law, it is of no use not only to her, but also to you. Do not lecture her, do not demonstrate your superiority, perhaps you are more knowledgeable in some ways, but the mother-in-law has no less important - life experience;
• Never compare your mother-in-law with your mother. It doesn’t matter in whose favor the comparison will be, the very fact of this is unlikely to please;
• Never complain to your mother-in-law about her son. Naturally, different situations will arise in life, and sometimes you will want to complain to your mother-in-law about your husband’s behavior. Don't do this, even if you are right a hundred times, it will be very difficult for a woman to take your side. After such complaints, the warmest relationships can deteriorate.

Living with your in-laws can be quite difficult, but if you find yourself in such a situation, try to make the coexistence peaceful and calm. Use our tips and be happy.

The Belarusian reality is that not all grown children can afford to move from their parents to their own apartment. And few people agree to rent a one-room apartment in Minsk for $500. The rest choose a comfortable life on their own sofa, along with their mother’s borscht. Is the problem the socio-economic disorder of our society or the generation of infantile young people who stubbornly refuse to grow up? Family psychologist, psychotherapist, and Gestalt therapist Vladlen Pisarev told Onliner.by about why children should move away from their parents and what will happen if this does not happen.

- From the point of view of a healthy family model, should adult children live with their parents?

There are several concepts on this matter. I am close to the position that a person needs to separate from his parents and become independent. I believe this is good. I think this is correct. But some people don’t believe in this, this is their position, and I don’t consider it necessary to convince them. However, there is such a thing as family life cycles. And if the child remains to live with his parents, then these life cycles are disrupted. The first such cycle is the so-called single phase. We are talking about the period when a young person, no matter whether a man or a woman, leaves the parental family and begins to live independently. Begins to build his own life. He starts earning money, paying for housing, buying clothes. A person learns how much life costs. If a person lives with his parents, then such things are simply unknown to him. It often happens like this: a young man lives with his mother and father and gives part of the money, say, for food. And he doesn’t know at all that he needs to buy washing powder, a light bulb or paint for his home. And then in his concept one needs much less material resources to live than in reality. Perceptions are formed distorted, and then a person will not be able to live normally, conflicts will begin. When he begins to live with his wife without parents, it turns out that the family does not have enough money. And it’s a big surprise for him: how is it that I used to live with my mother, everything was fine, and now I have such a mismanagement wife that I can’t live on my $300?!

The second life cycle is the couple phase. Two people start living together. If the first phase, the single phase, did not exist, then in the second all the difficulties that we talked about begin. People don’t know how to live on their own, they don’t know how much life costs, they don’t know how to get on the waiting list or build housing.

The next cycle, when the family begins to expand, is associated with the birth of a child. It requires a restructuring of relationships. And if there was no first phase, there was a second, but they lived together with their parents, it turns out that the relationship is complex, unstructured. For example, who decides what is right for a child? Grandmother and grandfather? Dad or mom? Whose word is most important? Who owes whom? Should grandmothers look after children or not? This creates many difficult questions. The larger the family, the more difficult it is to clarify relationships. From this position, children, of course, should not live with their parents. And, moreover, it is better to separate from them and build your own life.

- But a couple of centuries ago, for example, Belarusian girls stayed in their parents’ hut until they got married...

If we talk about traditions, then historically it turned out that we, the Slavs, had a tribal system for a very long time. Therefore, our roots are in building very large families with unclear relationships. Is it good or bad? Many Belarusian families are satisfied with this model, when a strong grandfather is at the head, a kind of prince who keeps everyone in check and makes sure that everything is good and correct. And then everyone behaves as expected - “so that you won’t be ashamed before God and people.” As grandfather said, so it will be. But there is another truth in which a family is only a husband, wife and children. They build their own lives, not connected with their parents on any side. A husband and wife create something of their own, individual.

In general, this difference in strategies - to live as a large family family or as an individual - is largely explained by the level of development of society. The better the socio-economic conditions in the country, the more opportunities there are for individual families, and vice versa.

- At what age is it better to leave your parents?

There is no one-size-fits-all answer here. I have seen people who, even at 40 years old, did not separate from their parents. It would be right to move when the need arises. If we rely on real social things, then why not connect the beginning of an independent life with coming of age? Only at the age of 18 is it difficult to put this into practice, because at that age only unique people have a highly paid job that would allow them to earn good money. Although I know people like that. A reasonable approach is needed here: at what age can a person in our world really provide for himself? We need to build on this.

- Why do adult children continue to live with their parents, although they have long turned 18?

Yes, it’s just convenient to live with your parents. They cook and buy a lot for their children, so they can spend more money on themselves. Therefore, for a large number of young people, men and women, it is simply convenient. And the idea of ​​leaving their parents appears when their father and mother begin to interfere with the fulfillment of their needs for freedom, for choosing a partner, for pets, for emigrating to Germany, for earning a lot of money... The needs can be anything.

In turn, men who continue to live with their parents at the age of 40 also do this to satisfy some of their needs. If his mother cooks for him, washes, irons, buys him underpants, then why leave? Then you would have to either cook yourself (which is very tiring), or find someone who cooks just as well, and with a good character. But the character of the women around is bad, there is no one better than mother anyway - this is how men living in this situation reason. If the mother performs all the functions (she is both a housewife and a person with whom you can talk), then a wife is not needed. What is it for in this case? In this system, one more woman is simply superfluous: all roles are filled. There you need a mistress for sex - that's all. In order for a woman to appear, it is important to break off relations with your mother.

- Can a man who lives with his mother at 40 be successful?

Why not? It depends on what you mean by success. He can be quite a successful scientist. Mom provides the rear. He doesn’t need to buy food, cook, or iron clothes at all; he only does science. In such conditions he can study for 20 hours a day! And it is clear that by investing so much, he can get a good result. Be an interesting researcher, generate ideas. He can also be actively involved in business, because, again, he invests all his resources in development.

- You get some kind of model of a happy person...

- And I have a feeling that something is wrong.

This is because you are a woman and you have no place in this system of a 40 year old son and his mother. And in their concept everything is like that. From the point of view of such a mother, you are definitely superfluous there - a competitor. From a man's point of view, everything is fine too. For some men, even procreation is not a leading need. Or you can somehow manage to get married quickly, have children and then get divorced. And happily return to my mother and continue the same thing.

- Can we say that the current young generation has become more infantile, less independent?

First we need to understand what we mean by the word “infantile”. Is it the inability to earn a living when a person lives with his parents, and they buy him underwear? And if a person buys his own underpants, then he can be called an adult, right? It is often said that if a woman does not know how to cook borscht, then she is childish. Does she really have to be able to do this? If a person does not want to earn a lot of money for a living and knows how to live on meager things, are we going to accuse him of immaturity? This is, rather, not an infantile, but a passive individual who is located at the very bottom of the power pyramid, which depends on genes. In contrast, there are dominant individuals. If a person has grown up as a dominant personality, then he is well aware of his needs and will achieve his own. From the point of view of a dominant male, to obey, to earn little, to be led is clearly infantile behavior.

For me, for example, the criterion of adulthood is the ability to live independently. It is connected with a whole range of issues: establishing and maintaining social contacts, earning a living, renting an apartment, buying the products and clothes that you want. If this happened, if I provide for myself, then that’s it, I’m an adult. And if a husband and wife live with their parents in a two-room apartment in Kamennaya Gorka, and do not really pay either rent or food, then they cannot be called adults - not at 20, not at 30, not at 40 years old.

Reprinting text and photographs of Onliner.by is prohibited without the permission of the editors. [email protected]

As a result: how many young families do you think fell apart on this basis in the first years of marriage? Write in the comments what you think - the topic is hot and very interesting.

Tourism is not emigration

Even when the parents are “golden” and the children are the same, and peace reigns in the relationship, no one doubts that a common language may be in question.

You are not the only one falling for this rake. And it’s better to believe me now than to deal with the consequences later.

Even if you happily spend holidays and weekends together, no one can guarantee that your common life will not throw you into a boiling cauldron.

It's all about the nuances. In this situation, each party is a slave to their own habits. And it doesn’t matter whose parents you are going to move in with.

Your man’s mother will want (most likely, quite sincerely) to teach you how to cook “correctly.” That is, not the way you do it. And you will never get “real mother’s borscht” and cutlets, and everyone will notice and voice this.

3. You will have to bend over backwards.

It’s not you who will set the tone for the house either. It has long been established, approved and elevated to the rank of the only possible norm. If you are not satisfied with something, you are unlikely to be able to change it. We'll have to endure it.

If he lives with yours...

1. Your parents will find him a pauper.

Even if moving in with your parents was your parents’ suggestion, they will take off your rose-colored glasses very quickly.

Over time they will ask you: “Daughter, who did you choose?”

From the parents' point of view, the son-in-law clearly did not succeed as a man. And that’s it: he earns little money, no car, no apartment, no daughters

2. Projection of grievances

In my practice, there were several cases when the wife’s mother (single) in the person of her son-in-law took revenge on everyone. I think you know how this manifests itself and where the jokes about an inadequate mother-in-law come from.

3. He will have to bend over backwards.

To become stronger and achieve more, a man needs to develop his masculine qualities. Take responsibility, feel like a master and leader.

If your husband doesn't, he will feel like his masculinity is being violated. He will feel like a parasite: no responsibility, no self-respect, not a hero, not a leader, not a defender.

And with such an attitude, as you understand, mountains cannot be moved...

More arguments needed, why does a young family need to live separately? Go. Clear and precise.

• To save your relationship

If a son-in-law or daughter-in-law does not satisfy his parents in any way, everyone will know about it.

If every day you are “undermined” about your husband, you will first defend him. Then you will ignore her words, and over time you will become just like her.

Something that you could really close your eyes to in your life with your husband and never even notice will suddenly begin to irritate you.

• So that everyday life does not kill love, as everyone is afraid of

Everyday life does not kill relationships if both the first and the second are built correctly. If you don’t have confusion and confusion about who washes the dishes and fries pancakes, if a woman doesn’t get overwhelmed first at work and then at home, everything will be fine.