The ability to ignore. The psychology of ignoring

Ignoring a person and / or situation is one of the most common ways of psychological protection or punishment. With apparent simplicity, few things are as effective as this simple trick. The danger is that the ignoring technique rarely leads to the final solution of certain problems, since, in fact, it is a way to evade any action. We will talk more about the psychology of ignoring today.

Ignoring as a defense

With the help of ignoring, as a technique of a defensive reaction to the occurrence of a particular problem, a person, as it were, creates an alternative reality in which some block of information is missing. The so-called ignoring matrix helps to find it.

Ignore Matrix

The Ignore Matrix is ​​a special model that considers the Ignore in terms of type and level. These two concepts are similar and to some extent are interchangeable.

1. Ignore types:

• ignoring what is happening. In this case, we refuse to see this or that situation that creates a certain problem;
• ignoring the fact of the problem. This type of disregard involves accepting what is happening, but refusing to acknowledge that reality presents any problem;
• ignoring opportunities. You see the situation, you recognize the problem, but you ignore the existence of possibilities for solving it.

2. Ignore level:

• ignoring the availability of opportunities;
• ignoring the significance of opportunities, in other words, doubting their (possibilities) effectiveness;
• ignoring the option to change capabilities;
• ignoring personal abilities associated with self-doubt and fear of not being able to take advantage of opportunities.

The ignoring matrix provides all combinations of types and levels of ignoring, adding up to a diagram of three columns (types) and four rows (levels). The method of using the ignoring matrix allows you to find that part of the information that is ignored, interfering with the solution of a particular problem. To do this, you need to start checking each cell, starting from the upper left corner of the matrix, moving diagonally down.

It is worth mentioning such a phenomenon as rational ignorance, when our apathetic behavior is due to the fact that we do not see any personal benefit from participating in a certain action. The most common example is the reluctance to go to the polls, participate in demonstrations, etc. In this case, the psychology of ignoring is also seen as a defense, in this case, passivity protects us with energy costs.

Ignoring as a method of punishment

Very often we use the method of ignoring, trying to somehow influence others. The psychology of ignoring a person lies in the fact that we consciously do not pay attention to the one we want to punish, offend.

In addition, the reason for ignoring, paradoxically, may be an attempt to attract attention. So, for example, the reason a woman ignores a man may be her desire to show her resentment to a man. The problem is that such a method, as a rule, meets aggression and reciprocal misunderstanding. Men usually do not know how to react to ignoring, and respond in kind. It turns out a vicious circle of inaction and growing conflict.

At the same time, girls often use ignorance when they want to attract the attention of a man they like. In this case, they rely on the notorious hunting instinct.

One way or another, ignoring is a passive action, resorting to which, a person consciously renounces his own strength and responsibility. Remember that most often this method does not live up to expectations.

It is easy enough to learn to ignore people who cause only negative emotions. Hurry, however, is not worth it. Think about whether you will regret your decision, because there may not be a chance to take back the words. Reflect on the purpose of ignoring, be honest with yourself. Maybe you just want to get the attention of certain people?

If you become the object of ridicule, try to react differently to them. Hold back embarrassment or anger, act as if the remark was not about you. There is another way: to calmly agree with all his barbs. In any case, do not show that you are offended. The abuser will probably stop and you won't have to ignore him.

Keep in mind: you only need to ignore when you want to completely free yourself from unpleasant people, as if you had never met.

What to do if annoying acquaintances require attention?

So, you've carefully weighed everything and still believe that ignoring is your option. If the people with whom you do not want to communicate know you superficially, then

• as little as possible look into their eyes when you look - do not smile.
• keep your distance from these people, passing by - do not linger.
• do other things. If you read a book or listen to music with headphones on, there is less chance that you will be disturbed than your face will be bored, and your eyes will look from one side to the other.
• take the necessary action on social media.

If you are uncomfortable with one of the employees, limit yourself to discussing business matters.

It may also happen that you want to ignore old friends. In this case, we advise you to speak confidentially. Maybe they got into a difficult situation? It is likely that you will understand each other, and the relationship will become the same.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Once in the center of a real conflict, which has the only way out - ignoring, directly tell your former friends about it.

Remember: you must be direct, but polite. Do not be ironic, be serious so that your words are not mistaken for a mockery or a childish whim.

No need to wait for your former friends to immediately agree with you, and you will part amicably. Surely you will need a lot of patience to completely eliminate these people from your life. Don't answer their calls or messages. Do they write hurtful things to you? Don't give in. Otherwise, you will not get rid of tension, but increase it. If this does not work, say that you will complain to the appropriate authorities. Let people who are unpleasant to you understand that you are determined.

Try to discuss the situation only with loved ones. By attracting strangers, you risk becoming the center of an entire epic. Answer questions concisely, and gradually they will disappear.

Ignoring people is an extreme measure. Let it be expressed not only by words, but also by actions, therefore:

• Avoid potential meeting places (such as a bus stop where you've seen each other often or your favorite coffee shop). If you do encounter, limit yourself to a nod of your head. Stop, ask "How are you?" will be redundant. We also do not recommend turning off if you have already been seen. Be calm and respectful.
• ask mutual friends not to invite you to the same events (with the exception of a large celebration like a graduation or wedding, when you do not have to talk to every one of three hundred people).
• think about what else unites you, and protect yourself from unnecessary communication as much as possible.

Keep in mind that it is equally important to expel people unpleasant to you from your own head. It's not easy if they used to play a significant role in your life. In order not to be distracted by memories, load yourself with things, but not with a routine, but with something interesting. Buy a collection of poems that you have long wanted to read, try to cook a new dish, go to the zoo. New impressions will not keep you waiting long!

It has been observed that clearing the mind, sometimes surprisingly, transforms an unpleasant situation or eliminates a person from your life, or relationships are improved, naturally.

Ignorance and unrequited love.

The sphere of personal relationships is special. Unfortunately, ignoring a person who aroused considerable hopes (and, as it turned out, in vain) is more difficult than deleting him from the number of VKontakte friends. Therefore, the techniques listed below can only partially work. Time will help with the rest.

• Don't blame yourself for falling in love with the "wrong" person.
• tune in to distance: reduce the number of meetings, calls, messages. When going to the theater, cinema or for a holiday, offer company to other people.
• do not run away from new acquaintances. Just remember to be sincere! It is not worth entering into a relationship specifically so that the past disappears from your head, or dating “in spite of” an unsuccessful past is not worth it. Concentrate only on whether you are interested in a new person or not.

The situation is easier if the object of your feelings is from unfamiliar people with whom you have never spoken and only said hello twice. Avoid possible meetings and as soon as you notice that you are mentally returning to him, distract yourself (see the last paragraph of the 3rd paragraph).

How to learn to ignore a person if the opposite situation has developed (you yourself have become the object of experiences)?

• do not accept gifts, whatever their value.
• Communicate actively with other members of the opposite sex. You can just pretend, the main thing is that a person unpleasant to you sees it. His confidence will immediately decrease.
• be persistent in rejection. A person must understand that your dry answers are not at all coquetry and not a sign of a bad mood.

What if they ignore you?

Suddenly you realized that a friend or loved one is gradually disappearing from your life. Maybe you yourself gave him a reason - forgot about the promise, caused jealousy, did not congratulate him on an important event? Admit your fault and try to correct the mistake. In the latter case, buy a gift and a card. Of course, congratulations are good on time, but belated attention is better than nothing. One way or another, you must show that you are sincerely sorry and friendship with this person is very important to you.

If you're sure you've done nothing wrong, talk to him. Be careful with reproaches and other negativity, because this will only increase the problem. The person who cares about you will not miss the chance to bring you back into his life.

There are other ways to ignore a person, but remember that solving a problem is always preferable to avoiding it.

Good luck!

Photo: Wavebreak Media Ltd/Rusmediabank.ru

Ignoring is one of the strongest types of emotional abuse. It has a detrimental effect not only on the one who is subjected to this type of psychological execution, but also on the one who carries it out. I'll try to prove it.

Ignoring or is a rather old method of manipulation or suppression. But in the modern information space and post-industrial society, it acquires new features.

- (colloquial, from English ignore - ignore) - the refusal of a chat or forum visitor to communicate with another visitor. Usually, rude people and just annoying interlocutors are “sent to ignore”. The “send to ignore” function is available in almost all chats and forums. This feature is also available on the phone. If you want to protect yourself from unwanted incoming calls, use the "Ignore" service. It allows you to block calls from certain and hidden numbers.

In short, ignoring today will not surprise anyone. You can easily get rid of any annoying interlocutor, advertiser, PR and salesman with the help of ignore. This is quite a useful thing that saves our time, money and nerves.

But now I want to talk about something else. About ignoring as a way of psychological manipulation, which is used by destructive people in order to humiliate another person, take revenge, subjugate him, destroy him as a rival or competitor. And sometimes it is used by men and women as a bait and a way to bind a person of the opposite sex to themselves. In this case, we are dealing with one of the strongest types of emotional abuse. And he acts very purposefully and painfully. It is especially painful when it comes to people close to you, relatives, loved ones, friends, that is, those whose indifference is perceived as the most severe insult, insult, blow, humiliation, betrayal, if you like.

Why is being ignored so painful?

It hurts us when we are ignored, because subconsciously every person is aimed at
affiliation,
recognition and
empathy.

That is, he would like, firstly, to become part of a pack, team, community, group, family, etc. When he is ignored, he is kicked out of the group. He feels his rejection, uselessness, loneliness. He is cold, he needs to snuggle up to someone to warm his soul.

Secondly each of us needs recognition of our human worth. This is one of the basic human needs. Everyone needs to know and understand that they value, love, respect, take into account his opinion, count on his participation and help. That is, they consider it their own, necessary, necessary and valuable.

Third We all expect to be understood. They feel our mood, state, position, take into account our past, forgive mistakes, understanding their reasons, excuse them, treat our weaknesses, antics and shortcomings with loyalty, that is, they try to take our place and treat us with sympathy and friendliness. When we feel the empathy of the people around us, we become calmer, and we feel happy and needed, in our place, even without being perfect.

All these conditions are necessary for us as a social being. And if we don’t get something, that is, if we are ignored, especially if they do it on purpose and defiantly, then we begin to experience severe discomfort from the lack of value identification of our own personality.

What happens to the person who is ignored?

He feverishly begins to look for the reason for such behavior towards himself. “Maybe I’m too bad that I’m not even worthy of their attention? he thinks. “Am I really so disgusting that you can’t even talk to me?”

In general, there are several options for responding to ignore:
Ignored painfully goes over his shortcomings, reproaches himself, blames everything and tears his hair out of despair. This is at best if he is a thinking, intelligent and difficult person. But there is another way to react.

He can just get angry, scowl in response, start playing back, freak out, drink, cut his veins, jump from the roof and in every possible way attract attention to himself in order to piss off the one ignoring him and make him look in his direction and somehow react .

An outcast can withdraw into himself seriously and for a long time, hiding there from the whole world. This is a very dangerous way to get out of emotional abuse, as terrible tornadoes are sometimes born in this quiet swamp, which suddenly wake up and sweep away everything in their path. This is how crimes, suicides and brilliant novels are born (I'm joking). But still, there is some truth in this, since there is another, in my opinion, the best way to get out of the terrible impasse of ignore.

An outcast sublimates into the knowledge of himself and the world, into the discovery of something supernatural, into creativity, into philosophical and scientific searches, into insane creative insights, into the development of his own inner cosmos, into new love, relationships, business, etc. He seems to say to himself: “Are you ignoring me? What a joy, I didn't have to dust off my clothes. The dirt itself has fallen off, and now I am clean and free to comprehend the meaning of my own existence!

Boomerangs always come back

Depending on how the ignored one behaves, his tormentor will either receive many psychological bonuses for his petty soul, which is fueled by the humiliation of other people. Or he will remain with his nose and feel how the game he has built in a filigree begins to work against him. Boomerangs always come back.

Sometimes they return in the form of hatred and curses and revenge. Sometimes the one who ignores receives a blowback from an unexpected side and not from the one whom he offended with his demonstrative indifference, but just from the one whose attention and love he himself counted on. This happens according to incomprehensible to him, but very logical and understandable laws of karma. Pride is always treated with humiliation.

Sometimes, for example, having brought his enemy to suicide and tragedy, the ignorer suddenly begins to feel guilt, and it stretches for him for the rest of his life.

But the most terrible blow for people who play emotional abuse with ignorance for the sake of their own whim and ambition is the successful promotion, happiness and joy of the one against whom they directed their terrible weapon. They ignore him, and he's like water off a duck's back. He invents a good mood generator and he didn't care if some Vasya Pupkin was ignoring him. He has his own goals and his own values. And they do not consist only in winning the attention of Vasya or anyone else. He still has to launch the hadron collider, there is no time to delve into your manipulations and psychological games with you.

What are the goals of the ignorant

In essence, ignoring is common. But by and large, this is a signal that the person who started it is infected with pride and selfishness. “They don’t talk, they don’t communicate. Why? Yes, I don’t know, some kind of old story, ”sometimes you hear about long-term silences of close relatives or former friends. They have already forgotten how it started, but out of habit everyone ignores each other. Although they can monitor successes and failures and be well aware of each other's lives. All this is a manipulative game for those who do not know how to communicate and are not able to understand another person. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to do it, because he sees in this person a danger to his own exposure. Indeed, sometimes people ignore the one who tells them the truth about themselves, that is, who is able to see their shortcomings, tricks, show them and those around them their true face. To prevent this smart guy from doing this, he needs to be ignored as soon as possible. Shut his mouth and put him behind bars so that he doesn't rock the boat.

Only those who ignore do not take into account that by doing this they not only punish the one who, perhaps, offended or hurt them with something, to whom, in connection with this, they feel envy or dislike. But they also expose their own weaknesses, demonstrating to everyone their quarrelsome character and their inhumanity, their powerlessness to agree, their inability to understand and forgive.

But there are cases when ignoring is salvation when it comes to hysterical, paranoid, manipulative manifestations. In such cases, indeed, sometimes ignoring is the only way to level the conflict or tragedy. But even in this case, ignoring should be temporary, because a person who behaves inappropriately, hysterically and manipulatively is also a person and needs help. Psychological, medical and simply human. If you yourself are not a manipulator and not a complete egoist, then you will not be able to withstand the complete disregard of another person for a long time. You are not some kind of freak, you can put yourself in his place and imagine how he feels when you perceive him as a lamppost. Don't be cruel, even if you really don't like the person. You can not be friends with him, do not communicate, but do not ignore him. Who knows, maybe he is just the well from which you will someday have to drink water. Life is unpredictable…

It is very difficult to ignore people who upset you or make you very sad. This can be even more difficult if you have to see or interact with them regularly at school, work, or family. Learn to distance yourself from such negative people and replace them with positive personalities that will contribute to your happiness and well-being.

Steps

Part 1

Learn to keep your distance

Do not visit places where you can meet such people. The easiest way to ignore a person is to avoid meeting them. To reduce the likelihood of meeting, it is enough to avoid places where you often spent time together or where this person frequents.

• Visit new restaurants, bars and cafes. Choose places that are in other parts of the city, away from the usual place of residence of such a person.
• Go to stores that are away from the person's home (if you know where they live).
• If you are invited by a mutual friend, then ask if there will be a person that you are trying to avoid at the meeting. After that, make a decision.

1. Limit interaction. Limiting contact is a great way to ignore a person without necessarily removing them from your life. Breaking all ties is very difficult, especially if you are somehow connected or working together. If you stop seeing a person regularly, you will immediately feel better.

   • Minimize conversations and interactions as much as possible, as well as the frequency of your meetings, always answering briefly and unemotionally. For example, it might look like this: “I'm fine. I need to work".
   • Resist the urge to say something mean or hurtful so as not to escalate the situation.
   • By limiting contact and avoiding unnecessary interactions with the unwanted person, you can actually cut ties with them without closing the door to polite social interaction in the future.

2. Stop attempts by such a person to strike up a conversation. If you work together, have friends in common, or just cross paths occasionally, then you need to be able to resist attempts to pull you into a conversation. Ignore the person when trying to talk to you.

   • Try to ignore what is being said to you and resist the urge to respond.
   • Being in a situation where you definitely need to say something, you can express your own thoughts / feelings on a topic that is absolutely not related to what this person said.
   • By directly ignoring what was said or speaking about your own interests, as if you did not hear this person, you are communicating that you are absolutely not interested in the conversation.

3. Take an intermediary with you if a conversation cannot be avoided. Knowing that there is no way you can hide from such a person at work or a social event, take a true friend with you. He will become a kind of buffer between you and the unwanted person, while remaining polite. He will also be able to direct the conversation in a neutral direction if an unpleasant person tries to offend you in any way.

   • Explain to a friend what you expect from him. Make sure he doesn't mind the role and that he doesn't feel insulted or taken advantage of.
   • Come up with a non-verbal signal that the two of you can use to apologize and tell everyone that you need to leave urgently.

4. Be polite to people you can't avoid contact with. If you can’t avoid meeting certain people, then you can always behave with them as politely as possible. Sometimes a kind attitude can overcome negative behavior in the people you are trying to avoid.

   • Resist the urge to be rude to people you don't like.
   • Be strong and confident. Think about your positive qualities and remember that you are a worthy person who deserves happiness.
   • Don't let negative people ruin your mood with their negativity. Rise above it by not taking part in such games.
   • If you want to be rude, say something polite, then apologize and leave. For example, you could say, "Your presentation was great. I'm sorry, I'll go get myself a coffee."

5. Stay strong and calm. If you dislike the company of a certain person, then with a high degree of probability this is a bad person. Such people usually try (consciously or unconsciously) to annoy you. They may call you a fool for trying to do something or belittle your hopes and dreams. When deciding to avoid such a person, you must remain strong and not allow yourself to be influenced.

   • Even without feeling strong and protected, it is important to maintain faith in your own strength. This way you can create a buffer zone between yourself and negative people.
   • Don't let other people's negative words or actions affect your perception of yourself or your life. By using positive affirmations and self-talk, you will be able to defeat the negative thoughts provoked by the other person.
   • Remember that you are a good person and you are dear to your loved ones. This means that you have positive qualities that a negative person simply does not want to see.

Part 2

Stop email communication

1. Block the phone number of an unwanted person. If you want to stop communicating with an unpleasant person, you can block his contact so that he cannot call you or write messages. This isn't necessary unless the person is pestering you on the phone, but it certainly won't hurt.

   Stop talking on social media. Even when you successfully avoid face-to-face contact with a person, they may reach out to you through social media. If you are on your friends list or follow a person on social networks, they will always be aware of your activities or location, and will be able to send you threatening or offensive messages.

   • If you are on your friends list or follow each other on social networks, you can unfriend or unfollow. You can also block a person so they can't see your posts or contact you.
   • If you are not on the friends list and are not subscribed to each other on social networks, or have already unfriended, then change your privacy settings so that only friends can see your posts.

2. Email filtering. If such a person has your email address, then you may be wary of aggressive or unpleasant emails from him. To prevent this, you can block messages from this person or set a filter on all messages from him (depending on the mail server used).

Part 3

Maintain your cheerfulness

1. Learn to identify the details that upset you. Sometimes there is no way to avoid the company of negative people. These may be your colleagues, relatives or neighbors, whom you periodically have to see or even communicate with them. In such cases, it is important to understand what details upset you in order to avoid such irritants.

   • Make a list of people, places, and things that might upset, anger, or annoy you.
   • Understand why these people, places, or things provoke a negative reaction.
   • Consider how these irritants might manifest in everyday life, and then create a plan to prevent or minimize these situations.

2. Learn not to complain about people you don't like. Even if it seems to you that it saves you from feeling hopeless, such actions can lead to the fact that you generally move away from other people. It can be friends of people you don't like, or people just get tired of you constantly talking bad about others. If you constantly complain about a person, then friends and colleagues with whom you spend time may want to move away from you.

   • Instead of complaining about someone you don't like, agree not to discuss them in your conversations with other people.
   • Talk about things that make you happy. Otherwise, the person you don't like will eat up too much of your time and energy.

3. Take responsibility for your words and actions. By blaming others for your own negative words and actions, you give them power over you and even lose self-control. It doesn't matter how much the other person upsets you, it's up to you to decide to get angry and lose your temper or just let it go. Your words and actions, even if prompted by another person's attitude, are your own choice and responsibility.

   • Your words and actions do not exist in a vacuum. You can't blame others for what you said or did, even if you've been upset by a person you don't want to hang out with.
   • Try to change your thoughts about this person. Thoughts determine your words and actions, so identifying and holding back negative thoughts will allow you not to give them so much importance.
   • Once you learn to ignore the upsetting person, stop thinking about them. Stop wasting your time and energy thinking about the person you don't like.

Part 4

Fill your life with positive people

1. Identify and display your best qualities. Positive people are usually attracted to each other. If you want to fill your life with positive people, then it is important to show them that you are also a positive person. You can subtly deal with this when you learn to control and show your best qualities.

   • Think about what makes you a positive person? Are you kind to people or do you show kindness in other ways?
   • Make a conscious effort to show your good qualities more often. Not only to get noticed, but to form your own positive lifestyle.
   • When it comes to your character and lifestyle, your actions should speak for you.

2. Learn to find positive people among your acquaintances. Surely you already know very strong and positive personalities. Moving away from people you don't like, it's important to replace them with people you enjoy talking to. Stay a positive person, always take care of loved ones, as they become good friends and encourage you to improve yourself.

   • Think of friends, family, and co-workers who have a positive attitude in any situation. Also, don't forget about the people who show you the most kindness, consideration, and compassion.
   • Reach out to these people. Try to spend more time with them and invite them to all social events so that you can see each other as often as possible.

3. Meet and spend time with new positive people. In addition to existing friends, you can actively look for new acquaintances. By finding new positive and compassionate people, you will further cement your social circle, filling it with good friends. So you yourself can become a good and desirable friend for others.

   • You can meet new people at the gym, church, sports club (like the travel club), and other places that positive people visit.
   • Become a volunteer. If you do good to others for free, then you will feel great and will be able to meet people who are aimed at a good cause (they are always friendly and compassionate).
   • Even a short conversation over a cup of coffee or breakfast will improve your mood.
   • Take the initiative in your own hands. If the people you enjoy spending time with are often busy, then stay in touch with them and plan your time so that the meeting is convenient for both of you.

• When you meet a person you don't like in a store, you can pretend that you haven't noticed him. Slow down, stop or turn to the side. If they turn to you, then you can say that you are in a hurry. If the above options don't work, then just stay calm.
• Having social relationships doesn't mean you have to put up with negative behavior. If you feel uncomfortable or uncomfortable in the company of a person, then you have every right to politely and respectfully stop communication.
• Don't act rude or ignorant. This will not fix the past in any way, but you yourself may well turn into a bad person.

Bill, a successful commercial finance executive, noted that he was largely motivated by his sister-in-law because she was always criticizing him. Her negative attitude towards him made him want to prove that she was wrong. Beale said, “My sister-in-law didn't like me...I wasn't good enough for her sister. It just pissed me off."

It is known that Bill dropped out of high school at one time. But under the influence of criticism from his sister-in-law, he received a matriculation certificate, and then went to college. In college, he spurred his interest in learning by hanging a card with his sister-in-law's name on the wall. As soon as he was tempted to take a break from his studies, he saw the name of his main critic in front of him and immediately again plunged into books.

Negative criticism should be ignored.

For the most part, outstanding people ignore unconstructive criticism, and besides, they never allow ill-wishers to weaken their resolve. The ability to ignore the opinions of those who seek to belittle you is an important component of success and a successful career.

Successful people, regardless of their intelligence, are subject to much more criticism than unsuccessful ones. In fact, I believe that criticism is a necessary form of training, hardening of steel, military camps for those who want to succeed. Successful people don't follow the crowd, and those who don't follow the crowd are often criticized for being different.

Even steel cannot be tempered without hammer blows, the same with people. Prominent people report that degrading ratings and comments from certain authority figures have played a significant role in their success in life. The hammer blows helped develop the antibodies that were needed to protect them from criticism and to properly regulate their resolve.

The most successful were once called second-rate

Labels often encourage a person to behave in accordance with these labels. Labels come and go. If you believe you can succeed in life despite the humiliating labels that predict you will fail, you have a chance to win most of life's marathon. The process of getting rid of labels makes a person stronger. It's like adding titanium to steel. Steel becomes many times stronger than without this additive. Only successful people are said to have never been called second-rate or worse. Not everyone can be the top student in the class. But everyone has countless opportunities to discover talent.