The coolest jokes. funny jokes

Rose, dear, marry me!
- A ring with a huge diamond give?
- Famously you sent me away, famously ...

Wife calls her husband
- Ale! Can you speak?
- Can.
- Then listen.

Barrymore, what's that swamp howl?
- You never took your woman to the sea, sir?

A man came to the kindergarten to pick up his son, began to dress the boy, and then the teacher came up:
- It's not your child!
- Okay, neighborly gossip, but you are there too!

Man, are you bored?
- Not by that much.

The men are sitting, sour. One does not drink.
“The wife,” she says, “smells the smell, won’t let her go home!”
- Nonsense! Zaesh something, drown out the smell, not a fig will smell!
The man drank. He ate a clove of garlic, chewed a bay leaf, smoked, and finally chewed gum. Comes home, knocks on the door.
The wife screams from behind the door:
- Got drunk again, you bastard!
- No, what are you doing!
"Well, breathe through the keyhole."
The man breathed.
The wife screams from behind the door:
- You're good at making jokes! Breathe through your mouth!

Pashka, hello!
- Girl, I don't... - Long time no see! Is he still good in bed?
- Well, Pasha is Pasha.

A lady walks into a very expensive boutique.
Seller: - Hello, let me introduce you new collection, it's exclusive! Excuse me, do you have money?
- No...
- Well, what are you pinned, would go to the market!
- I have a card.
- Hello again!

Hello! What a great sweatshirt you have on!
- Imagine, I have absolutely nothing under it!
- Don't worry, they will grow!

Neighbor knocking on the door
- Hello. We new car bought. Would you like some bread?

The maid asked the mistress of the house for an increase. The woman was visibly upset and asked:
- Helen, why do you think you deserve a raise?
Well, there are three reasons for this. First, I iron clothes better than you.
Woman:
- Who said that?
- Your husband.
- ABOUT…
Helen:
- The second reason is that I cook better than you.
- Who said that?
- Your husband.
- ABOUT…
Helen:
- And the third reason is that I'm better with xs than you are.
Woman:
Is that what my husband said too?
Helen:
- No, our gardener.
- So how much do you want?

Dad, I want to do ballet.
- No, Seryozha, it's dangerous.
- Why?
- I'll break your legs.

Why are you stuffing condoms into your pockets?
- I'm going to the disco.
- Do you know the sign?
- What?
- Take an umbrella - it won't rain!

An old Jew is walking along the street with a stick - he can barely move his legs ...
On the other side of the street, a guy overtakes him. The Jew calls out to him:
- Young man, are you by any chance in the laundry?
- To the laundry room.
- Well, then you will follow me ...

Little Moishe comes to the store.
- I have three liters of honey, he hands the jar to the saleswoman. She pours a full can.
- And dad will come tomorrow and pay.
- Well, no, - the saleswoman takes the jar from him and pours the honey back.
Moishe goes outside and looks into the jar:
- Dad was right, there's enough for two sandwiches.

Odessa. One neighbor says to another:
- Semyon Markovich, I still admire your feelings! You and Sofa have been living together for 20 years, and yet, walking around the city, always hold hands!
- Oh, Benya, if I let her go, she will definitely buy something.

A man came to the doctor, carefully undressed: carefully took off his pants, carefully took off his underpants and carefully hung it all on a chair. Turned to the doctor and said:
- Doctor, I have one testicle higher than the second!
Doctor:
- Well, it's okay, nothing is perfect.
Man:
- Yes, but somehow it's not neat!

The wife of her programmer husband asks:
- Honey, do you remember when our wedding anniversary is?
- Well, yes! Exactly four days after the end of the antivirus license.

He sent a text message to his girlfriend: "Congratulations on a wonderful Groundhog Day." She replied that I was a jerk and a goat. Tried to call her. Didn't pick up the phone. Then he remembered that her "critical days" began and calmed down. The next day I re-read my SMS and saw that I had missed the letter "r" in the word "Surka".

The general saw a soldier polishing his boots with red cream:
- Why do you clean your boots with red cream?
- It does not concern you, comrade general!
- How do you talk? Answer properly!
- Comrade General, there is no black cream anywhere, only red remains ...
- It doesn't concern me!
- And I told you right away!

Abram, what do you think, which of the wives is better: a doctor or a teacher?
- The doctor is better.
- Why?
- Well, the doctors invite: “Come in, undress,” and the teachers order: “Go to the blackboard!”.

A commission came to one monastery, which consisted of the abbots of other monasteries. One of the members of the commission came to the local rector and indignantly began to tell that the monks smoke when they pray!
- And what? Our monastery Holy Synod asked if you can smoke when you pray.
- And what was the answer?
- The answer was that it is impossible! And then we asked if it was possible to pray while smoking, and we were told that we could! You see, everything will depend on how you put the question!

Dressing in the locker room two women. One of them put on family shorts. The second asks her:
- And when did you start wearing men's underpants?
- Since the time my husband found them under the bed.

Rabinovich returned from a business trip ahead of schedule, looked under the bed - no one, in the closet - it was also empty there, and no one was hanging on the balcony. He returned gloomy to the room, and his wife said to him sarcastically:
- So, Syoma, are you unlucky? We'll have to take the rap for everyone today.

Mortgage:
- And here is the apartment! the rabbit thinks.
- I've had lunch! - thinks the boa constrictor.

On board the plane, one of the pilots laughed hysterically. The co-pilot asks:
- What's happened?
- I imagine panic in the madhouse when they find out that I ran away!

Vovochka's mom asks:
How many tasks were on the test today?
- 15!
- And how many wrong did you decide?
- Only one!
- And the others, it turns out, correctly decided?
- No, I didn't manage to solve the others...

Comrade sergeant, a caterpillar flew off our tank!
- Don't be greedy, let the sparrows peck.

Why don't you have cats in your yard?
- What is it?
- Yes, so ... nothing ...
- Would you like a cheburek, neighbor?

Two men are drinking beer. One says to the other:
- Well, you have grown a belly for yourself, Ivanovich!
- It's not belly. It's a liver!

Honey, did you throw out the trash can?
- Yes darling. I just can't understand - where are we going to put the garbage today?

"Secretary looking for a job in his specialty. Has experience with a scarf, a sapper and a solitaire at the most difficult level. Do not offer coffee in bed."

Look what a chick!
- I'm not a swell, but fifa!
- Oh, are you also fond of football?

Doorbell:
- Did you call the hangover doctor?
- Called.
- What are you complaining about?
- Drinking tortured ...
- How often do they happen to you?
- About four times a year.
- How long?
- Three months...

Funny jokes will help to improve your mood when you are sad, break the ice between people and just fill a pause in a conversation. The funniest jokes of our site, specially selected for you, will help not only cheer you up, but also improve your health, because laughter is the best medicine. In this section you will find the funniest jokes that have been selected in the hope that whatever your sense of humor, you will like them.

Anecdotes are one of the oldest forms of literary humor, if I may say so. From the depths of centuries, jokes were formed into the forms that we have now. We tried to collect the funniest jokes on our website, as jokes can be either very funny or not funny at all. A mixture of wit, comical situations, plot and set actors play a major role in the joke. But even in order to understand funny jokes you need to have a good sense of humor, because without such a wonderful sense it’s better not to read jokes at all, you won’t understand. :)

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from the mouth to the stomach. A human hair can withstand a load of 3 kilograms. The length of the penis is 3 thumb lengths. Women blink twice as often as men. The girls have already read this text. Guys are still looking at their thumbs.

In the classroom, the teacher gives the children a task.
- From city A to city B - forty kilometers, and from city B to city C - seventy kilometers. Who's to say how old I am?
Peter raises his hand and says:
- Forty eight.
- Petenka, how did you guess?
- And in our entrance one aunt lives, who does not have all the houses, so she is twenty-four.

A blonde comes to a beauty salon and says:
- I want very smooth skin and large, shiny eyes. How much is it?
- 1500.
- What, dollars for the operation?
- No, rubles, for a gas mask.

An angry husband discovers a man in the marital bed.
- What are you doing here?
“You see,” the wife says to the man, “I told you he was a fool.”

Rain on the street. A completely dry man walks into the office.
- How did you not get wet?
- Ah... I'm careful, careful, between the drops...

From the testimony: "He called me a pig, but I thought and thought and did not understand why I was a pig. She is a female, and I am a man. Therefore, I was offended and hit citizen Nikolaev."

Do you have wrinkles, dry skin, crooked legs?
Calm down - a bottle of vodka, presented to your husband, will instantly return your former freshness and attractiveness.

A signalman enters the church and begins to pray:
- Lord, can you hear me? One...one...one...

The old gentleman is dying. His wife is sitting next to his bed.
He: Martha, I now remember all those years when we were together ...
Her: Yes, dear?
He: I remember the time when we first met. I had absolutely no money. One pound seemed to me then a fortune ... But you were next to me, Martha ... And when we got married, do you remember? - I invested all my hard-earned money in stocks, but they fell in price ... It was a very difficult time ... Then you were there too ...
She (through tears): Yes, yes, dear!
He: And later, when the war started and I was taken to the army... You went to the front as a nurse, and when I was wounded, you were also there in the hospital... Do you remember the post-war crisis? When sometimes we had nothing to eat for days on end ... Then you were with me too ... And later, when I got pneumonia, you sat day and night by my bed ... like now ... Yes, now, when I'm dying, you're there too, Marta...
She (sobbing): Of course, dear!!!
He: Martha, you bring misfortune to me!

Hello, Petya! Come, there are such girls, bring vodka ...
- Hello! Vasya! Come, there is so much vodka - bring the girls!

A new breed of hunting bees has been bred. Huge like bears, mean like dogs.
- Do they bring honey?
- Of course, they take away from grandmothers in the market and bring them.

Girl, let's go for a walk in the park, shall we?
- And in this very park you will fuck me?
- Of course not! We are just walking with you.
“You know, I really don’t want to go for a walk…

There are two tomatoes in the refrigerator. One says to the other:
- Dzzzzzz, how cold!
Second:
- Ahhh, the talking tomato!!

A little boy asks his dad "Why are the parrots green?"
- Because they get motion sickness on palm trees.

Zoo. The girl asks her mother:
- Mom, do you know why this goat is looking very sadly somewhere into the distance?
- Daughter, have you ever seen your folder cheerful? It's just their life...

When a person is bitten by a vampire, he turns into a vampire...
One gets the feeling that everyone around was bitten by rams !!!

Conversation between two friends:
- Damn, well, my neighbor is lucky! I have a husband and a lover. So she was raped yesterday in the stairwell...

Yesterday I gave my grandmother an energy drink to try.
- So what?
- So she went on foot for milk ... To Vologda!

The wife approaches her husband and begins to complain about the behavior of her son:
- Vasya, he became simply unbearable. Listens only to the advice of various idiots. You can talk to him, and suddenly he will listen to you.

Sunny, are you cooking something, or has our cat taken a shit somewhere again?

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We've picked 100 of the best jokes from every possible genre and arranged them in a jumbled order. Enjoy!

People have been joking for years. They joke with words, make faces, draw pictures and make films. Someone had to fix this one day.

A joke from a classic

black humor

Fragment (entirely funnier)

This is a must see

toilet humor

Has become proverbial

Personally, I don't find clowns funny at all. To be honest, I'm afraid of them. I don't even know when it started. Probably when I was taken to the circus as a child and a clown killed my father.

J. Handy

Tatusya, do you hear?! I do not advise you to go ... The weather is at four plus ... And most importantly, there are absolutely no men here ... Ale! Do you hear?! Many girls leave without resting ...

S. Dovlatov. Reserve

The creative intelligentsia of the whole world condemned the closure of the Tajik Opera and Ballet Theatre. “Now the unemployed artists will most certainly become drug dealers and drug couriers,” music critics confidently declare.

Magazine "Red Burda"

The girl is beautiful
lies naked in the bushes.
Another would rape
and I just kicked.

O. Grigoriev

They are little blue creatures, and each of them has fifty hands, so they are the only people in the entire universe who invented deodorant before the wheel.

D. Adams. Restaurant at the edge of the universe

If Roosevelt were alive, he would be turning over in his grave.

Samuel Goldwyn

The boatswain fell overboard, Captain Hold told me. “I am partly to blame for this. It happened early in the morning. I picked him up in my arms to get a better look at the iceberg, and quite by accident, I assure you, quite by accident I dropped him overboard.
“Captain Hold,” I inquired, “have you done anything to save him?”
"Not yet," he replied shyly.

S. Leacock. Lost among the swells, or a shipwreck in the ocean

Lovers surrounded me pretty people, slowly squeezing the ring ...

A. Knyshev

Doorbell. A man opens it and sees on the threshold a creature in a dressing gown and flippers, with an alpenstock, a clown's nose, cardboard butterfly wings behind its back, and in a cap with bells. Man, amazed
- Who are you?
I am your death...
- Oh my God! What an absurd death!

Terrible sciatica. Old-timers do not remember that a person had such an ass pain.

F. Ranevskaya

Have mercy, Pyotr Andreevich! What are you up to! Did you quarrel with Alexei Ivanovich? Great trouble! Hard words break no bones. He scolded you, and you scold him; he is in your snout, and you are in his ear, in the other, in the third - and disperse ...

A. Pushkin. Captain's daughter

What's great? - shouted to him from the sky Winnie the Pooh. - Well, who do I look like?
- On a bear that flies in a balloon!
“But doesn’t it look like a little black cloud?” asked Pooh anxiously.
- Not good.
- Well, maybe it looks more like from here.

A. Milne. Winnie the Pooh and all
(retelling by B. Zakhoder)

In their company, I would die of boredom if I were not there.

Alexandre Dumas son

Are you giving up or not? Woland shouted in a terrible voice.
“Let me think,” the cat answered humbly, put his elbows on the table, buried his ears in his paws, and began to think. He thought for a long time and finally said:
- I give up.
“Kill the stubborn creature,” whispered Azazello.
- Yes, I give up, - said the cat, - but I give up solely because I can not play in an atmosphere of harassment from envious people!

M. Bulgakov "The Master and Margarita"

My girlfriend always dies of laughter during sex, no matter what she reads.

Emo Phillips

A thousand apologies! Don Goog exclaimed, smoothly approaching the table. “By my duke’s rickets, completely unforeseen circumstances!” I was stopped four times by the patrol of His Majesty the King of Arkanar, and twice I fought with some boors. He gracefully lifted left hand wrapped in a bloody rag. - By the way, noble dons, whose helicopter is behind the hut?
"That's my helicopter," Don Condor said peevishly. - I don't have time for fights on the roads.

A. and B. Strugatsky. It's hard to be a god

Ammos Fedorovich. No, it is already impossible to drive him out: he says that in childhood his mother hurt him and since then he has been giving away a little vodka from him.

N. Gogol. Auditor

I met several professors there. One of them followed me all the time and explained that the ancestral home of the Gypsies was in the Krkonoše, and the other argued that there was another ball inside the globe, much larger than the outer one. In the lunatic asylum, everyone could say whatever came into his head, as if in parliament.

I. Hasek. Adventures good soldier Shveyka

What can I say, with great pleasure
We spent our day off!
We were unlucky only with the weather,
People, era and country...

V. Vishnevsky

Indiana Jones unexpectedly wins a saber duel with a pistol.

Film "Indiana Jones in search of the lost ark."

My cousin just died prematurely. He was only 19 years old. He was stung by a bee, the eternal enemy of the tightrope walker.

Dan Rather, TV presenter

The Kid began to run out of patience, and when Uncle Julius visited them last time, he drew his portrait in his album, and under the drawing he wrote: "Dumbass." Uncle Julius accidentally saw this drawing and said: "You drew a bad horse."

A. Lindgren. Carlson, who lives on the roof, is playing pranks again

V. Bogorad

Do you identify with your character?
- No.
- Why?
- I'm playing a crazy cannibal robot!

From the movie "Notting Hill"

And your dad is a binduzhnik Mendel Krik. What is this dad thinking? He thinks about drinking a good glass of vodka, about punching someone in the face, about his horses - and nothing else.

I. Babel

A man is adorned by clothes. Naked people have very little influence in society, if not none at all.

M. Twain

The oldest of funny jokes.
Once a scholastic philosopher met his old acquaintance.
- ABOUT! And they told me you were dead!
- No, you see, I'm alive.
- That's how it is. But the person who told me you were dead deserves more credit than you.

Collection of anecdotes "Philogelos", 5th century BC. e.

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

W. Churchill

Forty years is the age when you finally feel young, but it's too late.

Pablo Picasso

There are only two infinite things: the universe and stupidity. Although I'm not sure about the universe.

Albert Einstein

Hey, dumpling, it hit me: each of our ancestors fucked at least once!

From m / f "Beavis and Butt-head"

Well, you will be with us in Kolyma - you are welcome!
- No, it's better you come to us ...

From the movie "Diamond Arm"

Sleep faster, someone else needs your pillow!

M. Zoshchenko

P. Wodehouse. Keep it up, Jeeves!

Entrust the solution of a complex task to a lazy employee: he will find an easier way.

Hlade's law

If there is critical situation, wake me up at any time of the day or night - even if I'm at a cabinet meeting.

Ronald Reagan

To help the patient develop his hands after a complex operation, the doctors gave him lice ...

I. Kvasov

Ramada. You've lost a $30 million jet bomber!
Topper Harley. But I pay $10 every week as compensation!

From the movie "Hot Heads"

I dreamed about Freud. What would that mean?

E. Lets

There was nothing to sleep on. In the janitor's room there was a smell of rotting manure, spread by Tikhon's new felt boots. Old felt boots stood in the corner and the air was not ozonated either.

I. Ilf, A. Petrov. 12 chairs

Do you have a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Mae West

Sometimes you have to make people laugh to distract them from wanting to hang you.

B. Show

Ale… Who is this? Director? Fuck you, director! Not up to you right now.

From m / f "Masyanya"

A man travels to Israel from the USSR and carries a parrot with him. The customs officer asks him:
- Parrot how old?
- Three hundred.
- Then it's an antique. Export is prohibited. You can only stuffed or carcass.
Cage Parrot:
- Semyon, even a carcass, even a stuffed animal, but you need to get out of here.

When George ends his life on the gallows, Harris will be the worst packer in the world.

J. K. Jerome. Three in the boat, not counting the dog

Bimbo, stop! When he told this joke, he did not know that you are an elephant!

Harry Larsen

If life is too busy,
Function weakens sexual.

I. Huberman

The Simpsons are watching the lottery results.
Homer. This guy certainly won a lot of money, but there is one thing that money can't buy!
Marge. And what is it?
Homer. Dinosaur!

From m / f "The Simpsons"

The river was so dirty that at times it seemed as if it was flowing upside down.

T. Pratchett

A person can live for a long time on the money he is waiting for.

William Faulkner

When it finally dawned on my parents that I had been kidnapped, they didn't hesitate a minute and immediately rented out my room.

W. Allen

I am from the Mog tribe. Half dog, half human. I best friend himself!

From the movie "Space Eggs"

Don't touch Shikhman's bear,
With Mishka away doubts:
He is full of Jews
In every generation.
There grandfather is paralyzed,
Former pest doctor
And I'm an anti-Semite
On an anti-Semite.
Mishka is a doctor, he suddenly calmed down,
In Israel there is an abyss of them.
There are only gynecologists
Like uncut dogs.
There is no way for dentists,
Too much asking.
Where can you find all the teeth?
So unemployment.

V. Vysotsky

Two twin brothers show off their birthday presents.
First. And what did they give you?
Second. Coloring book and balloon.
First. But they gave me a box of chocolates, a set of felt-tip pens, a fire truck, railway battery operated, radio-controlled helicopter, sled, two stamp albums, a guinea pig, a flashlight and a bicycle!
Second (spreading his hands). Well, I don't have blood cancer!

She grabbed his hand and repeatedly asked: “Where did you put the money?”

A. Averchenko. Magazine "Satyricon"

Pushkin had four sons, and they were all idiots. One couldn't even sit on a chair and fell all the time. Pushkin himself sat rather badly in his chair. It used to be a complete scream: they were sitting at the table; at one end, Pushkin keeps falling off his chair, and at the other end, his son. Just take the saints out!

D. Kharms. Anecdotes from the life of Pushkin

The best view of this city, if you sit in a bomber.

I. Brodsky. Performance

Darling, kiss me goodbye... Promise that you will never marry again!
- I promise!
- No sex!
Sorry, I didn't hear...
- No-ka-ko-go sex-sa!
- Honey, your speech is slurred... You have a terrible injury!
- No sex, no sex!
- ABOUT bad rock, last words wives will remain under the veil of darkness!
- Don't fuck!
- Yes, dear ... Go to the light ...

From the movie "Scary Movie - 3"

The liver hurt
Dry throat
Nothing to have a hangover
The documents were stolen
The eye is broken, the jacket is in the dust,
Pants under the bed
What have they brought
Communist bitches...

I. Irteniev

The apartment of two friends was robbed.
Ross. What did the insurance company say?
Chandler. Yes, they all repeated: "You did not conclude an insurance contract with us, stop calling us."

From the series "Friends"

From m / f "Hedgehog in the Fog"

And you yourself know how hard it is to write about love in France. Because everything that concerns love has long been written in France. Everyone knows about love there, but here they know nothing about love. Show our man with a secondary education, show him a hard chancre and ask: "What kind of chancre is it - hard or soft?" - he will definitely blurt out: “Soft, of course,” and show him soft - so he will be completely confused. And there - no. Maybe they don’t know how much “St. John’s wort” costs, but if the chancre is soft, then it will be soft for everyone and no one will call it hard ...

Ven. Erofeev. Moscow - Petushki

The Chukchi brings his novel to the editor. Read the editor and says to the author:
- You see, it's rather weak ... You should read the classics. Have you read Turgenev? And Tolstoy? And Dostoevsky?
- However, no. The Chukchi is not a reader, the Chukchi is a writer.

Nick Gurevich

Eat rabbit droppings
He is vigorous, he will get through ...
It tastes cool though
And with him, it happens, they die,
But which ones survive?
They live to old age!

L. Filatov. About Fedot the archer ...

V. Lubnin

Kyle. Hey Stan, did you see a rainbow this morning?
Stan. Yeah. Such healthy!
Cartman. I hate rainbows!
Stan. Cartman, everyone likes a rainbow. What is there to hate about her?
Cartman. It's not clear, is it? Here you are sitting, all in your thoughts, and this rainbow will tumble down, and how it will crawl right along your leg, climb into your ass, where it will start to bite! You will then yell: “Hey, get out of my ass, you stupid rainbow!”
Kyle. Cartman, a rainbow is such a multi-colored arch that appears in the sky after a thunderstorm.
Cartman. Ah! Rainbow! Oh yes, I love rainbows. Cool such!
Stan. Cartman, what are you talking about?
Cartman. A? Yes, so ... About nothing ...

From m / f "South Park"

I want to tell you that we can't get married at all.
- Why?
- First of all, I'm not a natural blonde.
- It doesn't matter.
- But I smoke. I smoke all the time.
- I don't care.
- I will never have children.
- We'll adopt someone.
- Oh, damn! And after all, I am a man.
- Well. Each has its own shortcomings.

From the movie "Only Girls in Jazz"

Gentlemen of the jury! Look at Cicolini! Yes, he talks like an idiot and looks like an idiot. But don't let that fool you, he really is an idiot.

From the movie "Duck Soup".

jokes on different topics, short, very funny for a minute, which will make you laugh to tears.
Cheerfulness is the most outstanding feature of a person.
Read, smile at each other, joke - without barbs, without offensive ridicule.
Laugh for five minutes in front of the mirror every morning. Laughter activates many beneficial elements in our body, and also returns the body to a balanced state. Revive the habit of laughing and your life will become more alive.

— Oh, what a wonderful portrait at what price is sold? - Please don't touch! It's a mirror!

— The crisis helped me get back on my feet. For an unpaid loan, the bank took the car.

- I love the group of Unknown Artists, they sing Track 1, Track 2, Track 9 directly fascinate my soul!

“A miracle is an event described by people who heard about it from others who did not see it themselves.”

- Hello! Familiar face We met somewhere!? Maybe at the zoo?
“Maybe… what cell were you in there?”

“Conversation on the radio: - First, first, I'm second, are you third?

A limited mind with unlimited Internet access is a very unpleasant combination.

“Yesterday I didn’t come to work because I dreamed that I came”

One of the student's commandments "Do not snore during a lecture so as not to wake up a colleague!"

"Jokes about blondes are not the only truth"

"God invented the dream, and the devil invented the alarm clock"

"In the hospital. Doctor to patient: “I repeat for the hundredth time – Amnesia does not go away so quickly!”

“All men are animals who want only one thing… And why not from me?”

“All men are the same, only the salary is different”

“Do you know what Spiderman is afraid of? Human slippers"

“You are good, I will drink and we will both be very good!”

“I have the most sincere laugh ... malevolent!”

"Where are you always expected? At work."

Should I go to a psychiatrist? I asked myself. Opinions were divided.

Announcement: - We are looking for a driver for a bakery ... With your truck and your bread.

“Girls are like the name of a page on the Internet. The ones you like are already taken."

“If you knew how many times I almost died for love ... But in any case, thanks to the skin and venereal doctors ...”

“If you are over 30 years old and have not achieved anything in life, then you are an honest person”

"If you aim for an idiot, he will probably do the same."

“If you have countless urgent things to do, you first need to figure out which ones to put off, retry.”

“Living in Russia is easy, surviving is difficult”

“Whoever finds a friend finds a treasure. And who finds a treasure, not a friend ... "

"Buy two, get three, you pay for four!"

“My wife is good, and others are even worse!”

“My wife often watches TV that even the announcer recognizes her.”

- "Does your watch work? - No, I wear ours on my hand."

“Optimism is a lack of information”

“No one has died from laughter yet… except for those who joked…”

"A double-edged sword, you get both."

Mom, I broke up with my boyfriend ... - I know! I saw it on social media and even liked it.

Long live the Internet! Before, only my neighbors hated me... and now half the globe.

modern parents, punishing their children, put them in a corner where Wi-Fi is weak.

"Bad Behavior Patient Operated Again"

"A debt paid on time keeps teeth better than toothpaste."

“A family scandal is like a rock concert. It always starts with new material and ends with old hits."

“Now there is so much written about the dangers of smoking that I have firmly decided to stop reading.”

“A sober plumber is a fairy-tale character!”

"You are not alone - loneliness is with you."

“Good blonde Manya always bought live fish from the pet store to be released ... into the forest!

“I would like to live like everyone else, but my conscience does not allow.”

Section theme: Jokes are short, very funny to tears of joy.

Laughter is a pleasant emotion and the best pastime in any company. Knowledge of jokes and the ability to tell jokes can reveal you in a favorable light, teach you how to find contact with people and defuse the situation. funny jokes, jokes and poems will certainly please your team, your family and loved ones and will become your highlight.

KVN is an exciting competition in which several teams compete with each other with a variety of humorous works: jokes, anecdotes, skits, jokes and humor. This is a unique game, jokes from which become winged and memorable for a long time.

The best jokes from KVN:

An interesting case in the hospital:
(a figure of a man stands near the door and smokes nervously)
“Blaine, when, when?” … Well, how long can you wait? (exhales smoke)
- Ivanova, give birth! (voice from hallway)
- Well, damn it ... finally! (quickly puts out his cigarette). Going!!!

An interesting fact: the victim of a maniac killer was unexpectedly lucky!
(a loud and terrifying organ plays in the hall, and the person in the role of the victim slowly backs away, putting his hands forward. Suddenly the victim steps on something ...)
— Opa! Chervonchik!

The lisping gypsy falls on his knee and proposes to his beloved:
“I’ve been going to this sol for a long time… Rossa, will you be my tire?”
— Dear, why are you lisping?
- Shut up, don't say a word! (shouts a gypsy and takes out a ring)
But, my love, where did you get Golden ring?
“Let this be our secret!” (lowers head down)

An incident near the maternity hospital, young fathers stand under the windows and shout to their beloved wives:
- Marina, who?
- We have a boy, Igor!
Angela who?
- We have a girl, Maxim!
- Katya, how to turn on the washing machine?
Plug in the cord and press the red button!
- Thank you! (runs away)
- Oleg, stop! I gave birth!
- Well done!

Jokes from KVN, funny jokes to cheer up, best jokes KVN

Short jokes, funny and funny jokes, gags, short jokes

Funny and short jokes will always be useful in cases of communication with friends, colleagues and relatives.

The best short jokes:

• If you actively engage in sports, you can extend your life by about five years, but it takes about eight years to engage in sports itself!
• The boy cursed very strongly, to which the teacher made a remark and asked if he knew the meaning of these words: “Of course I do!” (boy answered) This means that dad's car won't start!
• A message on the cloakroom in the theater: “Do not leave valuables and banknotes in your pockets, the cloakroom attendant has a small salary!”
• Grandmother Slavik was "at a dead end" when her fat grandson came to her
• I go up to the house and it’s immediately pleasant: Wi-Fi meets me at the entrance
• Only pigeons can ruin a black car with whites and a white car with blacks!
• Nowadays, on TV, you can hear good news only during commercials!
• The famous humorist Garik, who is popularly called "Bulldog", was bitten by a bulldog named "Garik"
• The rule of the men's razor: the first blade shaves "cleanly", the second one shaves "even cleaner", and the third one also "long"!

funny short jokes and jokes

April jokes, funny and funny jokes with gags

April funny jokes are always able to cheer up and set people up in a positive way in any situation.

April jokes - special kind humor, it lies in the fact that in any of the possible ways to put your friend in an uncomfortable or embarrassing position.

Here are a few options for April's win-win jokes:

april joke"with eyes"

This joke involves a joke, the meaning of which is "a kind of revival of objects" - the products in the refrigerator. This interesting option good mood from the very morning, when, out of ignorance, a person opens the door and is horrified for a few seconds from the fact that all the products “look” at him. These eyes can be easily purchased at a craft store or in the hardware department.

April Fool's joke for colleagues at your work

This joke involves wrapping each desktop item in food foil. At first glance, this can shock the owner in the first minute, and the remaining thirty unwrap each item while the rest will watch and smile!

April joke for employees and colleagues

Not a complicated and interesting joke is that you need to install a bugle under the seat of an office chair. The person who owns the chair will be scared and shocked when he does not sit down.

Good fun and interesting jokes for everyone

Good jokes and jokes can cheer you up even on the saddest and rainiest day. Read good jokes and jokes with your friends, tell them to your loved ones and make every day filled with joy.

Good jokes and jokes on various topics:

• It has been noticed that the higher the position held by a person, the less often his attendance at work
• To give yourself a few extreme moments and mislead customs, put some green tea in cigarette foil
• A sitting office worker, being idle for more than ten minutes, can automatically plunge into "sleep mode"
• In the morning, nothing can cheer up as much as a cup of strong, freshly brewed coffee, which was washed down with cognac.
• I don’t understand: I moved from my parents, bought an apartment and immediately received a bill for housing and communal services. Of course, I paid for it, but the next month it came again, and then another ... What? Did you have to pay first? Everyone understands that I'm a sucker ???
• If you decide to sit at night with a laptop on the Internet, do not turn on the charger in advance. If you sat down - it's time to sleep!
• "Candlelight Dinner" is not only romantic, it is - effective treatment hemorrhoids!
• Scientists have concluded that there is more “life” in a drop of male sperm than in a drop of human blood. Conclusion: how much do vampires suck blood?

good jokes will be a great pastime

Poems jokes on any subject, funny jokes-rhymes for everyone

Poems in a comic form will be your highlight in the company or at any event where you can entertain and delight guests.

Funny jokes in poetic form:

You don't ask me to marry
I can't cook, I'm a poet!
I'm lazy and this is my status
Breakfast, dinner, lunch is alien to me.
I don't wear high heels
And I can't be educated.
I look for inspiration in jokes
I'm not looking for inspiration!

You left the house and me in an instant,
Where to look for you - I do not know.
Your red wig was left on the pillow
I hug him out of sadness.
Teeth thrown on your night table
And an artificial eye sours in a glass.
I look at the teeth, I remember only the lips
That they do not kiss me at this morning hour!

The bulldog tried to bite a familiar man,
He ran away from him and threw a stone, but did not hit.
That stone flew into the mother-in-law, which passed nearby
“Well, nothing, and so it goes!” he thought and did not say!

Songs of jokes, funny short songs, ditties and chants

Funny ditty songs will become interesting entertainment for festive table and make anyone happy original text, humor and sarcasm.

Funny drinking ditties:

My favorite is a tractor driver,
I'm a milkmaid in the village
We're like bounty and twix
Sweet couple!

A Christmas tree was born in the forest
And there she grew up
Served as a disguise
Military regiment.

If I were strong
My life would be
Like a fairy tale
And women from night to morning!

I have a question - to me about sports
resort when?
Lunch in the morning, buffet in the afternoon,
Just no time!

funny jokes in song form

Anecdotes jokes, funny jokes for everyone on any topic

Everyone should know a good funny anecdote, a person without a sense of humor seems dry and boring!

Funny jokes on a variety of topics:

• - Did you fall?
  - No, damn it, my knee itched! Well, I think I'll scratch the asphalt!
• You can’t argue with a naked woman, if only because at any moment she can get dressed and leave!
• I solve a scandword, and there the question is “an uncensored curse of three letters.” The word immediately came to my mind, I decided to check in the answer: it turns out, "checkmate"!
• - Hello, I would like to order a track from you. Is it possible?
  - Yes, sure! How many grams do you need?
  - Is this a bowling alley?
• The woman says to the man:
  - Honey, when we become husband and wife, we can share the problems equally!
  “Honey, we don’t have a problem!”
  - I'm telling you when we become "husband and wife"!
• A Georgian boy entered a Russian-speaking school, the teacher teaches him the language:
  - Givi, say "BREAD"
  - Clap!
  - No, Givi, you need to say softer
  - Crap!
  — No, Givi is even softer!
  — Bun!

funny jokes on any subject for everyone

Riddles jokes, funny riddles with answers, jokes for all occasions

Riddles jokes can be interesting entertainment for any company. Such jokes can amuse friends and relatives, colleagues and loved ones. Jokes-riddles will be a great accompaniment to any holiday.

The best riddle jokes for funny companies:

• What does one half of a tangerine look like?
  (answer: for the other half of the tangerine)
• Imagine a situation: unexpected guests came to you. In the refrigerator there is: a pack of juice, a bottle of beer and mineral water. What will you open first?
  (answer: refrigerator!)
• What gift did the wife bring to her husband from the beach resort?
  (answer: horns)
• What can be in common between a student and a lizard?
  (answer: both have "tails")
• When a person is in his apartment and he has no head?
  (answer: when he sticks it out the window)
• A grain that managed to visit both fire and water and copper pipes, What is this?
  (answer: moonshine)
• What can not be put even in the largest pan?
  (answer: her cover)
• What does not burn, but constantly asks for extinguishing?
  (Answer: debt)
• There is a ribbon, which by no means can be woven into a braid. What is this tape?
  (answer: machine gun)
• What kind of place is it when you are sitting in a car with a plane behind you and a horse in front of you?
  (answer: children's carousel)
• What kind of woman is this, who at first rubs herself all over you, and then in a stern voice demands money?
  (answer: conductor-controller)

funny riddle jokes for any occasion

Jokes with funny answers, funny jokes for a fun company

Funny questions with the same humorous answers can be interesting entertainment for anyone. They will decorate the celebration, help to establish contact between unfamiliar people and just cheer up.

The funniest joke questions:

• What kind of animal is this or a bird, does it fly and swear?
  (answer: electrician)
• What can be in an empty pocket?
  (answer: hole)
• What does a person wear twice in his life for free, and the third time you have to pay?
  (answer: teeth)
• What do thousands of people do at night? What are they doing?
  (Answer: they are on the Internet)
• The most terrible word for men from three letters?
  (Answer: More!)
• What, unfortunately, can not be eaten for lunch?
  (answer: breakfast)
• What exactly is not in absolutely any women's bag?
  (answer: order)
• What kind of monster is this that already has six legs, two heads and one tail?
  (answer: rider)
• What is this strange little thing hanging between the legs? This strange little thing begins with an "X"!
  (answer: ponytail)
• What is the most popular paper format that absolutely everyone uses?
  (answer: fifty-four meter roll of toilet paper)
• Women's milk has one main value. What?
  (answer: its container)
• Why do the largest monkeys, gorillas, have such big nostrils?
  (answer: because she has very big fingers)

questions with jokes and funny answers to them for each occasion

Answers to jokes and funny questions, answers-jokes to jokes

Answers to jokes-questions hide a special sarcasm. As a rule, it is impossible to immediately give the correct answer to such a riddle-question, and therefore they have such a feature.

Answers to riddle jokes, funny answers:

• If a drunken soldier walked across the square past a high tower, noticed a watch on it and a shot at it, where did he end up?
  (answer: to the police for drunkenness and shooting in a public place)
• What can constantly increase and never decrease in life?
  (answer: person's age)
• They say that THIS is the most important and most needed for dinner, what is it?
  (answer: mouth)
• All crows perch on this tree during heavy rain, what kind of tree is this?
  (answer: wet wood)
• Who can be born twice and die only once?
  (answer: a bird hatches from an egg)
• What kind of thing is this, if you drop it, then you can’t pick it up by the tail?
  (answer: a ball of thread)
• Can you bring water in a bucket with a hole in it?
  (answer: you can, if you freeze water into ice)
• The magician claims that he can put a test tube in the center of the room and slowly crawl into it, is that possible?
  (answer: perhaps anyone can slowly crawl into the room)

funny answers to joke riddles, funny answers with sarcasm

Jokes jokes, funny stories and funny scenes, humorous jokes

A sense of humor has always been valued and appreciated in people. If you own a set of jokes and funny stories, you will definitely be able to win over acquaintances and even strangers. Laughter is one of the most pleasant emotions on earth, so it’s worth giving joy to others!

Most funny jokes and jokes:

• Anyone who wants to imagine how the female brain works is enough to open 150 different tabs in a row on the computer and not close them!
• A conversation between two familiar athletes:
  “Do you know how I can gain mass faster?”
  - Well, take the dumbbells.
  — No, you don’t understand, I need to quickly gain weight!
  - Well, eat them!
• Imagine jogging in the early morning on asphalt covered with morning dew and filled with fresh, light air. What could be more beautiful than her absence?
• The young wife returned from a foreign resort. The husband misses her, meets her, feeds her, and then notices that his wife's entire back is covered in bruises and abrasions. Tells her:
  “Honey, you need to see a doctor immediately!”
  The next day the wife says:
  The doctor said it was "nervous".
  The husband was indignant, ran to the doctor with questions, and he answers him:
  “Your deaf wife, and she set the horns on you, too!” I told her this from "not even ground"!

jokes and funny jokes to cheer up

A joke to a loved one, how to make a loved one laugh, jokes about men

Every woman must have in her arsenal some interesting jokes or anecdotes dedicated to men. So she can show that she is not stupid and has a good sense of humor.

Funny jokes and anecdotes about men:

• A girl asks a man on the beach:
  - Man, will you allow me to meet you for one night, well, a maximum of a couple of nights?
  - What are you, girl, I'm a real gentleman - for the whole vacation!
• Two friends are talking:
  - And how long did your guests have fun yesterday?
  Until the corkscrew breaks!
• Two friends are discussing the wife of one of them:
  “Your wife dresses so beautifully, where does she get such dresses?”
  You just won't believe it! Twice now we have received the wrong package with the suit I ordered from the Internet.
• — Dad, would you like a cold beer?
  - Certainly! Are you still asking?
  No, I'm just kidding!
• A husband comes home from work, his wife asks him:
  - how cute your new workplace?
  - Pretty decent.
  - Do you have a secretary?
  - Eat.
  — Is she beautiful?
  - Normal!
  - How does she dress?
  - Fast!

jokes to your beloved, jokes about men

Favorite jokes, jokes about women and girls, funny jokes

Every man should own a set of funny and funny jokes about women to tell their friends, acquaintance and employees. Some of them will cheer up your favorite girls!

Funny jokes and jokes about women:

• Two friends are talking, one complains about life:
  - Can you imagine, they gave mine an apartment, but so small, so uncomfortable ... I had to leave!
  — An apartment??
  - No husband!!
• A woman goes out onto the balcony and notices a smoking figure of a man under it, shouting:
  - Man, I'm very afraid of you!
  - Why are you afraid of me?
  “You will take me and rape me!”
  “Yes, how can I get to you?”
  - I'm going down now!
• The husband returns from a business trip, slowly turns the key in the door. The wife hears this, grabs her lover's things and says to him:
  “Come on, jump off the balcony in no time!”
  — You what? Lost her mind?! Here is the thirteenth floor!
  - Never believe superstition! ONCE!
• Two girlfriends are talking on the street:
  — Verochka, I heard you married Seryozha!
  Yes, honey, we're married!
  - And how do you like marriage? Did it get better?
  - No, dear, it didn’t get better ... But it became more often!
• A woman comes to work, and she has a black eye. Everyone starts asking:
  — What do you have? Who is you so?
  - Husband!
  - Wow! But we thought he was on a business trip!
  “I thought so too!
• The wife runs to her husband and shouts:
  “Honey, I just got raped!! What should I do, dear!
  - Eat a lemon!
  - Well, why is this?
  - Yes, so that your muzzle was not so pleased!

beloved jokes, funny jokes and anecdotes about women

Congratulations with a joke, how to originally congratulate loved ones with an interesting congratulation?

Congratulating with a joke is an original and original way to bring good mood to everyone around the celebration. Congratulations-jokes are always appreciated, they always bring together and make the holiday more fun.

Comic congratulations for any holiday:

Let your dreams all come true
All goals in life are achieved.
May wealth increase
Love and feelings develop.
Problems, tears and hardships
Let them forget the way to you
Sadness will not set foot on the threshold.
I give you my "congratulations"!

I wish you well
To be able to catch a beaver by the tail.
Everyone keeps telling me that the beaver
Uncounted in furs of good.
I wish you a strong home
So that we are in it more often.
So that in it comfort and warmth,
Prosperity, laughter and beauty!

I wish you infinite prosperity,
A beautiful, faithful wife,
Ferrari cars,
Suit from the brand "Armani"
May life bring positivity
Let the cottage stand in the Maldives.
To avoid colds,
So that the caviar was a full stomach!

I want to wish you on your holiday
Fall into the salad with your whole head,
Then walk and drink with friends,
To then freak out when drunk.

I want to go to my bed
And find beauty there.
I wish you many victories
And a thousand happy years!

funny and comic congratulations in verses for any holiday

Jokes that can dilute the holiday or amuse friends

Funny scenes can be used in a variety of ways: to entertain guests, at a wedding, for KVN competitions and private parties. Funny scenes are always a pleasure not only from a joke, but also from acting, facial expressions and gestures of characters.

Funny scenes for any occasion:

• A conversation between two theater artists:
  - Larisa, I heard you got on stage through the director's bed?
  — I need harassment!
  - Larisa, maybe you meant "evidence"?
  - I clearly decided for myself and made my choice!
• Conversation in the garden
  - What's wrong with this boy?
  - Has he fainted?
  - But from what? Why?
  - From stress!
  - And what happened?
  - The teacher played with him for too long "horned goat!"
• Conversation in a dark alley:
  - Are you afraid of me?
  - No!
  - Why?
  - I'm an Oriflame employee!
  - And what does it mean?
  - I can call my “three friends”, and they can call their “three friends” and each of them also “three friends”!
• Conversation between son and mother:
  - Son, your birthday is coming soon, what do you want to receive as a gift?
  - Tampon! (the boy shouted confidently, mother was taken aback)
  “But, son, why a tampon?” Do you know what this thing is?
  - Certainly! They said on TV that with a tampon you can go to the beach every day, swim in the sea, dance, run and have fun!
• Conversation between two friends:
  - Imagine, I broke up with my girlfriend!
  — What is it? What's happened?
  - A stupid situation came out ... The two of us went to the shower, she tells me there, they say, let's do bad things ...
  - And what did you do?
  - I sprayed her with shampoo in the eyes ...

funny scenes and funny humorous stories

Russian radio jokes, funny sayings on various topics

Russian radio jokes are a special kind of humor that brings a smile from the first words and is remembered for a long time. These jokes are particularly brevity, brevity and sarcasm, they often have "black humor" and are always popular.

Funny jokes of Russian radio:

• The saleswoman in the store had so much in a rough voice that no one left the store without a package
• Children who sit in the classroom by the window and are closest in the battery mature earlier than their classmates
• The manager of the supermarket and responsible for the “terms” had the date of death interrupted twice
• Vasily was incredibly afraid of the operation ... by this he also scared his patient ...
• The plumber Fedor had a hangover so great that for an hour no one could pull him away from the pipe
• At the concert of Sergei Zhukov, two things jump: the singer and pressure
• Mom accidentally washed her son's scarf along with other underwear and the Spartak match, the boy was rooting for some kind of "pink crap"
• Kefir himself told Slavik that kefir was too expired
• Statistics say that more than 80% of people deliberately lie when thanking their hairdresser.

Russian radio jokes, funny humorous jokes

Video: " KVN - BIATHLON competition - the best jokes in the history of the KVN game "