Cool horoscope by zodiac signs to read. Unexpected sides of the zodiac signs
It is hardly possible now to find a person who has not read horoscopes. But in our age of science, not everyone trusts astrology, although in many ways it turns out to be accurate. But funny characterization signs of the zodiac may well interest even the most seasoned skeptics. Reading playful horoscopes can pass the time, have fun in the company and even learn the basics of astrology. A light humorous form, aptly emphasizing the main qualities of each sign, quite helps in this interesting matter.
Aries
All the cool characteristics of the signs of the zodiac agree on one thing: you won’t be able to find a more stubborn debater than this capricious and stubborn lamb.
Aries hates everyday routine, but will be happy to spin around and give out their innovative ideas incessantly. It is almost impossible to force him to do what he does not want. But there is one little trick. Tell the other person to do it better. At this point, Aries will break into a cake to prove his leadership and superiority.
The fiery nature of Aries is marked by the ridiculous characteristics of the signs of the zodiac. In terms of the time that this person is willing to spend on conquering the object of his passion, he has no equal. A ram, he is a ram in Africa, going right through the jungle. Aries in this matter can even be called a rocket - it acts instantly, assertively and it is simply unrealistic to get rid of his courtship. “You are attractive, I am damn attractive, so why waste time” - this is his motto in love.
Taurus
Here it is, a worthy competitor of Aries in terms of stubbornness. This will be confirmed to you not only by ordinary horoscopes, but also by any funny characteristic of the signs of the zodiac. Moreover, to enviable perseverance is attached as a "bonus" and fierce conservatism. Try to get Taurus to throw out something from outdated household trash and you will understand this. Whether it's a damaged disc, a notebook left over from school days, or torn sneakers, it doesn't matter. For him, all these things are valuable. And Taurus is a terrible bore: listening to their endless teachings, you can not only fall asleep, but also snore.
Representatives of this constellation are closed personalities. It's easier to talk to a wall than to a Taurus. At least by tapping on it, you will hear a rumble. In the case of Taurus, the afterlife silence and ringing silence will remain.
To love, the attitude of Taurus is the same as to things - than more money and the time he spent seeking you, the more valuable you will be to him. And do not expect originality in courtship - Taurus's conservatism extends to amorous affairs.
Twins
They are easy in deeds and thoughts. The twins are from that breed of people that will advocate "for any kipish, except for a hunger strike." As noted by the funny characteristics of the signs of the zodiac, by date of birth and character, these personalities fully correspond to eccentric individuals who have a whole company of winds walking in their heads.
Gemini's love of chatter is truly catastrophic for those who are not Gemini themselves. For many hours they can not be silent, completely ignoring the reaction of others. It seems that even at his own commemoration, the Twin will rise from the coffin and tell the guests lying in a swoon an anecdote appropriate for the topic.
The laziness of these personalities is as legendary as their conversational skills. Because of the unwillingness to delve into some topic and study it for a long time, they superficially describe this or that phenomenon, picking up a little of everything. The ideal profession for them is one that will help you earn a million instantly and without unnecessary gestures. Oh yes, Gemini needs a lot of money, because they spend it as easily and naturally as they chirp on the phone.
Cancer
The natures are intelligent, soft and romantic, even if outwardly they look like a stale loaf, a brutal dork or an uncouth hillbilly. When watching non-children's films of an erotic nature, they always secretly hope that in the end the main characters will get married.
A funny characterization of the zodiac signs compares Cancers with their animal namesakes. Like them, representatives of this constellation, if they take a neat step forward, then immediately run back. They are indecisive types who, because of their caution, are afraid to even change - you never know what is on the other person's mind.
It is undesirable to joke frankly in the presence of Cancer, because these people are sentimental and can get upset even because of light humor directed at them or their loved ones. Satire about animals is the strictest taboo. They would rather survive an earthquake and a tsunami than endure dark humor about unfortunate dogs and cats. It is also worth joking about love affairs more carefully and preferably in a romantic way - then Cancer will tell the story that amused him to everyone for a long time.
a lion
The one and only He is proud and majestic, even if he is locked in a zoo cage. The wild cries of nearby animals do not interest him - he is an important person and demonstrates this in every possible way. If we consider the main characteristics of the signs of the zodiac, a funny description highlights the royalty of this person, which, it seems, no trouble can bring down the arrogance of.
What is good for Leo himself is not very fun and pleasant for his relatives, because he needs an appeal worthy of status. In his opinion, those around him should already be glad that His Highness is nearby. The lion's aura is able to outshine everything around with its radiance, painting even a muddy swamp with all the colors of the rainbow.
However, sometimes in the whirlpool of events that Leo generates around him, it may not be what he would like to get into. What can you do, such is the power of the royal will. Do you want to recognize a Leo in your surroundings? Listen to the manner of speaking: the use of the pronoun "I" by this type will exceed all possible limits. Not such a bad quality in our age for a person who wants to make a dizzying career, agree?
Virgo
The true confirmation that appearances can be deceiving is the representatives of this constellation. It would seem that at the word "maiden" the imagination draws us a sweet, fragile and vulnerable creature that sits at home doing needlework. Astrologers, who make up the characteristics of the signs of the zodiac, disagree with this view. The funny irony of fate is that in reality things are "a little" different. Instead of a sensitive friend who has supported since hard times, a comrade-in-arms in all endeavors, Virgo can easily turn out to be ... a serial killer. Yes, yes, statistics say that most maniacs were born under this sign of the zodiac (and what else can you expect from such neat and clean people?).
Your ability to adapt environment and to be always emphatically polite and correct person, Virgo can easily use to achieve the desired goal. You won't even have time to blink an eye, and she is already sitting on the right hand of the director. But the object of his love will never show sympathy until he is convinced of the reciprocity of feelings and prospects. But then, even having received a refusal, he will patiently wait: suddenly something will change.
Scales
Whatever the funny characteristics of the signs of the zodiac, over the years and months, they all accurately determine one thing: this sign fully justifies its name. Libra people are constantly in search of spiritual balance, and therefore do not pay attention to the material world at all. Let someone else deal with everyday problems, whether it's cooking, washing or cleaning, and Libra has more sublime things to do.
People of this sign are always thrown in different directions. Quickly fired up with a new idea, they will throw all available resources into implementing it. They will connect a lot of people and create an event of a national scale, but in the middle of the road they will get bored with all this. They quietly retire, leaving others to rake the mess they have made.
The inconstancy of Libra extends to love affairs. Moreover, for them this state is so familiar that after betrayal they will not even be tormented by conscience. After all, they do not at all attempt to destroy the family, and so, they started an affair. Therefore, they are worthy of forgiveness.
Scorpion
These are real poisonous infections. Ridiculous characterizations of the signs of the zodiac in poetry and prose sing of their ability to break the hearts of anyone who comes within sight. This is due to the natural charm of Scorpios and their ability to seduce. This sign has the ability to constantly fall in love with someone, and each time "to the grave." The object of attention will immediately be put before this fact. It is unlikely to get away from the original courtship of Scorpio, and you don’t want to - he is a subtle psychologist and will certainly be able to find a path to the heart of his beloved (or beloved).
Scorpios are leaders from birth and are smart beyond their years. If a representative of this sign has chosen a goal for himself, then, no matter how difficult it is to achieve, he will go towards it with principled obstinacy. And let it be necessary to destroy everything that gets in the way - this will not stop Scorpio. But to build new world after the chaos, he will be just as enthusiastic.
Sagittarius
People of this zodiac sign always achieve their goal, even if it does not happen immediately. A funny characteristic of the signs of the zodiac advises you to look at their symbol: everything will immediately become clear. Only now, if others get what they want thanks to perseverance and diligence, Sagittarius is helped in this by a fair wind, which directs the shot arrows exactly to the bullseye.
By nature, Sagittarians are real benefactors. They are always trying to take pity on everyone and feed the suffering (and it doesn’t matter what the recipients themselves think). Their motto is "who but me?". This is great for employers. Well, what, Sagittarius will not mind if he is loaded with a bunch of work. It is only necessary to hint that it is very important for the company that everything is done. And how exactly - Sagittarius himself will be able to find a way.
But do not openly offend Sagittarius. No, they are not vindictive at all, just evil, and they have an excellent memory. Remind you of all the misunderstandings from kindergarten. And, in general, they will easily express the truth in person, risking getting in their own face.
Capricorn
This is a man-pendulum that always balances between two extremes, as the funny characterization of the signs of the zodiac claims. Children of this sign are characterized by adult seriousness and thoroughness. Capricorn does not part with these qualities even in old age. He rushes headlong into work, as if into a whirlpool, and it will be simply unrealistic to pull him out. He will spend all his soul and physical forces even for an obviously impossible task. However, if Capricorn is impatient to go on a spree, then he will give himself up to this occupation completely, having uncontrollable fun until complete degradation. You can save him from a sad fate only if you manage to divert attention to something more interesting.
Capricorns are incorrigible pessimists. If he is already convinced that all around are creeping bastards who came to success over their heads or through the bed, then at least if you hit him on the head, you won’t convince him anyway.
Aquarius
Verbiage splashes out of Aquarius like water from a tap. If anyone is able to withstand this flow for a long time and even be an interesting conversationalist, it is Gemini. Perhaps it is still possible to argue who will talk to whom in the end.
Love for Aquarius is, first of all, romance: walks under the moon, meeting the dawn. Get ready to conquer the ancient ruins shrouded in secrets with him - this is an indispensable attribute of courtship for him. According to the cool characteristics of the signs of the zodiac, such a person has no equal in poetry and serenades. Aquarius women are accustomed to follow the dictates of the heart. If it suggests that you should be together, wait for her on the threshold with suitcases.
What do Aquarians value the most? Of course, They are ready to build a three-meter wall around themselves, as long as no one touches them if they want to be alone. And no siege will help - Aquarius has made the necessary supply of cookies and will live for a long time and not grieve in his cozy little world.
Fish
If anyone is able to create an alternative fictional reality out of nothing for themselves and those around them, it is Pisces. And for them, the world of fantasy will be as real as our usual one. They will easily convince anyone of this. Baron Munchausen, for example, according to the characteristics of the signs of the zodiac, an inexperienced and timid fry, a faded egg.
Ask this person for anything - water the flowers in your absence, write a diploma for you - he will certainly break into a cake, but he will fulfill the request. Such an altruist was born, nothing can be done. In love, Pisces are shy and cautious, and will beat around the bush for a long time before taking a step forward. "Vanilla" is about them: sad sighs, touching gifts, awkwardness and tears at night, and, most importantly, all thoughts are only about him (or her). So if you are ready to take a Fish in love with you and lead it under your elbow in the right direction (and then push it forward with kicks all your life) - go for it.
This cheerful comic horoscope Today, according to the signs of the zodiac, you can use it every day. Open this page daily in the morning, and good mood for the whole day guaranteed in full!
And for everyone who believes in happiness, we recommend reading our happy eastern horoscope by year of birth with the recommendations of poet astrologers. All our serious and funny horoscopes are written especially for the site "Favorite Holiday". Share them with your friends, put links, but respect our authors - do not reprint our horoscopes. Thank you.
Cool boring horoscope for today for Aries
Be active and determined.
First, try to recharge.
So that your labors are not wasted in vain, remember: if people are valued for their work, then a horse is better than any person.
Cool boring horoscope for today for Taurus
Be careful. Think before you do anything.
Measure seven times and only then cut eight times.
For the seventy-first time, you will succeed.
The stars are not advised to kiss the secretary in the presence of his wife.
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Gemini
New things are waiting for you.
Remember: even the most stupid idea can be masterfully executed.
And don't be afraid to do what you don't know how to do.
After all, the ark was built by amateurs. Professionals built the Titanic.
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Cancer
Life is good ... hic ... Repeat this, spreading red caviar on bread with a thick layer. Or black.
But do not rush to pour vodka.
Remember: alcohol is a time machine.
I drank - and already tomorrow.
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Leo
Talk less, listen more.
It is better to be silent and grunt with pleasure.
Your income will be higher than your expenses. Because there will be no costs at all.
Get a piggy bank and grunt together.
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Virgo
You will be thrown from one extreme to another.
First, the boss will call you on the carpet, and will yell like a flock of crocodiles.
In five minutes, he will offer you a position that you have been seeking for a long time.
Agree!
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Libra
You will be on a horse.
Everyone else, apparently, will have to move on foot.
You may feel out of place.
The stars are advised to break the plate, get off the horse, break the plate, get off the horse and finally change it ... for a bicycle.
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Scorpio
You will have a romantic date.
Enjoy, forget about everything in the world....
When Sveta starts to go home, pretend to be asleep.
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Sagittarius
Your mood will jump.
From the TV to the cabinet, from the cabinet to the table.
Try to catch him anyway.
Hold somewhere in the corner and ask: "Kolis! Who do you work for ?!"
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Capricorn
The sixth sense will not let you down. It will say: "Enough!"
The other five senses will fail.
They will say something awkward, but you will understand them.
Because a Russian person after the fifth glass is able not only to understand the Chinese language, but also to forgive it.
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Aquarius
Everything will come easy to you.
Even a visit to the dentist.
At first you will be very afraid. Then it turns out that his drill broke.
But do not relax and remember: if you are happy for more than one day, then something is being hidden from you.
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Pisces
You have a creative upsurge ahead of you.
Stock up on climbing equipment in advance.
Already stocked up? .. Then full speed ahead!
To conquer the next height!... Just don't shout later"
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Aries
Let's start to get acquainted with how the signs of the zodiac are offended, with a cute lamb. Anyone who managed to hurt him may not particularly worry. This villain will still not have time to dodge. Aries are compassionate people, unable to remember grievances for a long time. They will surely forgive: once on the head with something heavy, the second - on the kidneys with a foot. Later, however, they will also regret if they catch up with the offender. But in general, these cute creatures are able not to respond to stimuli if the headphones are in their ears, their horoscope says. As the signs of the zodiac are offended, Aries, in principle, do not care. The lambs concentrate on their world, where justice reigns (as they understand it). It is better not to touch an offended Aries for a couple of days (or years). Then he will forget about the evil deed and will behave as before. Aries have a strange feature of trying on the suffering of the offender. In a couple of days, they will really try to understand him, even flowers can be brought to the hospital, where the former “villain” restores his damaged health.
Taurus
If this horned inhabitant of heaven patronizes your relatives or friends, then information about how the signs of the zodiac are offended is vital. Read and learn, it will not be superfluous. It is strictly not recommended to annoy Taurus. He just has great, incredible patience. He will begin to cherish the offense, worry, nurture, without showing his emotional state in any way. When the time comes, he will put the "villain" on an uncomfortable stool and will selflessly read the notation. Taurus approaches all matters very responsibly. It will take a long time to sit on the rickety "calvary", but you won't be able to run away. Taurus will remember all the dirty tricks and sins you have committed since the time of King Pea. In his speech, he will certainly include the most important information about how offended different signs zodiac, focusing on your own. Here it is better not to remain silent, but to ask for forgiveness. Maybe you'll be lucky, and Taurus won't put his hooves into action.
Twins
It is unpleasant to quarrel with a representative of this sign. And for both sides. Gemini will be surprised at such impudence and will instantly react to insult. The hurricane will not last long, almost everyone will be able to survive. The villain should not be afraid of assault. He will be dipped into mud in words. The scandal will also end abruptly. The Gemini will never remember you again!
Cancer
People who are under the auspices of this sign are so sentimental and romantic that others, against their will, fall under their charm and relax. And they should remember about the claws. Cancers are offended often and with taste. These people have hypertrophied sensitivity. Any little thing can hurt them and plunge into the abyss of angry experiences. Notice such a change in mood, immediately sincerely repent! In the first moments, the villain still has a chance to leave without much loss. True, Cancers will try to thoroughly check the offender for the truth of repentance, expecting a dirty trick. You need to convince with all your might, otherwise a terrible revenge awaits you. Her Cancers are cooked with pleasure, trying to touch the especially thin strings of the soul of the villain in order to hit harder. Creative people it won’t matter how offended the signs of the zodiac are, they will put the comic horoscope aside. For balance, Cancers need to return justice to the world, endowing the offender with equivalent suffering, which they will do without fail.
a lion
With representatives of this star tribe, you can forget about caution. Interested in how the signs of the zodiac are offended, people read about Leo with surprise and enthusiasm. And the whole point is that it is unsuitable for kings to react to some nonsense. Leo may well miss an offensive remark past his ears, turn away at the moment when they try to hurt him. Why would he, a regal person, bother with the petty claims of mortals? Well, if you are persistent, he will growl so that his legs will shake. This incident will be over. Lions do not fill their heads with nonsense, they already have a lot of royal deeds, and even more plans. Fangs can be shown to especially annoying offenders. But this rarely happens. Their authority is so indisputable that few dare to annoy them.
Virgo
Exploring resentment according to the signs of the zodiac, astrologers have discovered a real psychological phenomenon. It is associated with Virgo. These people are generally not touchy. To hurt them, you need to try very hard. If you still decide to offend the Virgin, take care of the will first. And it's not that the counterpart harbors evil. Not at all. Virgos forget insults quickly, almost instantly. But they will act according to their life principles. They will put the villain on all the black lists that they have been doing since infancy. And those who are designated there are supposed to repay according to their deeds. Revenge will inevitably overtake the offender, and even from the other side, from which they did not expect. Life will seem completely destroyed, heart broken, ideals debunked and the like. This unfortunate person will also fail to connect the catastrophe with the offended Virgo.
Scales
Here's who to focus on when studying how different zodiac signs get offended. Libra loves to pout, deliberately showing the villain the full extent of his vile fall. These people do not know how to take revenge. But they will rush with their resentment with desperate perseverance and taste. If you do not immediately apologize, get ready for censure from " broad circles the public." Libra will definitely notify all acquaintances and not very much about how vilely they were treated. Black gossip is their forte. The story will drag on long years. Libra fundamentally opposes evil, wherever it is found. It is important for them to eradicate it on the planet, they will spare no effort for this. Try to clarify the relationship right away, otherwise you will be included in the list of fiends with all possible consequences.
Scorpion
Scorpio is the master of revenge. Evil in relation to themselves and resentment, these people carefully collect and store, like collectors. For every offense there will be retribution. This is not just a principle for them, but a passion. The offender will regret that he once contacted Scorpio. By the way, this is the only sign that does not disdain physical violence. He himself will not wave his fists, but a scuffle can arrange. Scorpions follow the trail of the offender more stubbornly than a greyhound chasing the beast. Their venom will surely overtake prey. Only person, which is out of the risk zone, is Scorpio's favorite. This person will be forgiven.
Sagittarius
There is no sign more peaceful. However, these cuties can be very offended. The result will be worse than when Scorpio was offended. Sagittarius will not engage in revenge planning or pouting in corners. These are open and honest people they will pour their emotions on your head. The scandal will be as grandiose as the experiences of the hurt Sagittarius. More than once during this phantasmagoria, the offender will come up with the idea of using a rope with soap. Believe me, it is easier to part with life than to endure the angry outpourings of Sagittarius. Try to distract him by offering a joint trip at your expense. Hearing about the upcoming trip to distant lands, Sagittarius will forget the differences. The second time, try not to run into his anger if you value relationships. Sagittarius will go into the distance, not wanting to bother with the re-education of the "incorrigible" villain.
Capricorn
That's who is not inclined to respond to someone else's stupidity. Capricorn can only be offended by vicious criticism of his favorite project. In this case, you risk getting on his pre-sharpened horns. It is better to immediately approach the solution of the issue constructively, come up and explain. Five minutes of shame, as they say, and all problems are solved. Otherwise, you will know what is the revenge of Capricorn. This person is patient and calm. He will not throw a tantrum, he will not make a fuss. Even communicate will be, as before. He will wait. And when you need his support in an important matter, he will forget about the existence of such a person. In addition, Capricorns spend a lot of energy on winning friendship. the mighty of the world this. These influential people will also forget about you under the influence of an offended Capricorn. The world will flow forward to success, and you will be left to suffer on the shore.
Aquarius
Do you think that you offended the person who is patronized by this sign? In vain. Aquarius reacts negatively emotionally only to the rejection of their brilliant ideas. Criticism hurts and disturbs him at the same time. He will not understand, this is not the nature. First of all, Aquarius will doubt the mental abilities of the offender. Having drawn conclusions, he will decide that it is not worth wasting time on a fool. He will go where there are intellectuals who can appreciate his genius. Do not expect deceit or evil gossip from him behind his back. This person has already forgotten about your existence. His intellect is busy saving the world and generating global ideas. He has no time to think about the fools who dared to criticize his work. If you want to restore relations, you will have to take the initiative. Talk to Aquarius about the essence of the world, the depravity of mankind, prove that you have the right to his attention.
Fish
When figuring out how zodiac signs react to offense, don't miss out on the most important information. Pisces do not like to be offended, but they know how. The representative of the sign is not malicious, but will not immediately forgive. The fish pouts, carefully choosing facial expressions to demonstrate the offender's emotional state. She will catch the eye, carefully watching the reaction. Are you not asking for forgiveness? Well, okay. Pisces will forgive, because wrinkles appear from anger, but they don’t need this. But from now on, a different game will begin. The fish will try to prove to the whole world that they are angelic entities, and you are a demon in the flesh. Believe me, they have no equal in this matter. Before you have time to look back, the public will be on the side of the offended Rybka, and you are already anathematized. Why persist, you ask? They would have said right away that they were wrong, everything would have ended before it had even begun. And now you are faced with a choice: either run to the ends of the world, or prove that you didn’t jump out of hell.
This is how zodiac signs react to offenders. Astrologers have tried to identify character traits. Naturally, each person has his own individual characteristics that affect behavior in stressful situations. Observations show that the deviation from the descriptions given are at the level of statistical error. How do you react to insults? Did the description match your behavior? Write in the comments to correct the findings of stellar explorers.
ARIES
21.03 TO 20.04
- Who is our workaholic?
"Who can't stand it when they're superior in some way?"
Whose walk is like running? Who is this?
- It's him, the ever-excited and aggressive Aries!
Aries - Star Ram (or Sheep) - has brilliant positive inclinations and diligence, but he is often irritable, stubborn and quick-tempered. The heat of his passions knows no bounds, and his desire to insist on his own can turn into despotism. He is impulsive and unpredictable.
Aries is an individualist and does not give in to someone else's will. His own strong will knows no limit, the active mind pushes forward without fear of obstacles. However, Aries is not good with people. Hence the usual disappointment for him in dealing with people.
Often - aggressive to the extreme, angry-blunt type, militant and cruel primitive, deeply convinced that happiness should be with burning tears, and good - with pood fists.
Mentally retarded, Aries has difficulty remembering simple things since childhood. Thinking he's blushing from the effort. He would have planted a pig more than once if he could. As a child, Aries dreams of becoming a military or astronaut and therefore constantly starts fights.
From youth, Aries is emotionally easily excitable, but shows either amazing indifference, reaching apathy, or unexpected outbursts of anger with minor setbacks. He does not tolerate objections, and reasonable arguments have no effect on him.
When drunk, Aries is prone to scandals.
His vulgar soul, Baran, is wide open for drinking companions. Likes beer with salty jokes. True, his jokes are flat and rude, and their main subject is the physiological functions of the body. This humor is a characteristic symptom of underdevelopment, or damage to the frontal lobes of the brain, and it is called "frontal humor" in psychiatry. Baran's conversation is like the eloquence of the deaf and dumb. "What, you don't have hands to talk to?" - Aries' favorite saying.
Aries has neither artistic flair, nor good manners, nor the ability to keep himself in society, nor care for his appearance.
In family life, he must be kept away from money - he will spend everything instantly, but he himself does not know where. In society, he is boring: he can talk about himself for hours without noticing others.
All his life, Aries-Baran is busy looking for new (or not so) gates.
Sheep Wives are ambitious and aggressive, but they, constantly drinking their husbands, push them to success, because they have no equal in ambition and enthusiasm.
Sheep husbands are irresponsible. They are difficult to tie to the house. They need companions who would take them with an iron fist.
Aries is a sign of health reasonable manner life.
Aries should avoid in marriage and friendship Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces. Must look for Libra, Sagittarius, Leo.
CALF
from 21.04 to 21.05
- Who smiles from ear to ear, if he does not contradict?
Who thinks they know the most?
- Who likes fashionable things?
- Who loves baked, and boiled, and fried?
- Oh, it's him, the stubborn and carnivorous Taurus!
A healthy and mercantile boor, Taurus achieves his goal through perseverance and patience. Doesn't give up on things he wants to do. Rarely listens to advice and can suddenly act ahead. More guided by feelings than by reason.
In anger, he is like an angry bull, and his anger is long: he does not forget and does not forgive insults. As a child, Taurus loved to torture animals.
The main disadvantages of Taurus: boringness, lack of imagination, stinginess, a pessimistic view of things, stubbornness, cruelty to themselves and others, callousness. Taurus is conservative in their views.
Petty and boring, Taurus is a sucker and an informer. In life, he keeps his nose to the wind and follows all the instructions of his superiors.
The Taurus man loves to pose as an altruist, and the woman is a martyr. At the same time, Taurus, an actor by nature, actually despises everyone, considering himself in the depths of his soul to be the center of the universe.
Taurus loves wealth, but hoards covertly, albeit relentlessly. He, "the unfortunate ripped off" (A.N. Ryzhov), is ready to take off his last shirt from his neighbor.
In general, the Sign of Taurus (Golden Calf!) is the sign of a banker, and this Taurus should be remembered.
Most of the Taurus love to smoke (more than other signs of the zodiac), and they hardly wean from smoking. But because of his stinginess, Taurus can smoke all sorts of rubbish - from self-garden to cheap "weed".
In company, Taurus can prove to be a pleasant conversationalist, amiable, dexterous, mobile, but sometimes at the same time he becomes painful due to lack of tact, due to his flaunting rudeness, undisguised selfishness and excessive chatter.
In their youth, Taurus has many novels, but soon they realize that marriage is more important to them than success in love.
Taurus enters into marriage by calculation. Very jealous. He also chooses his mistress (lover) according to calculation. Nevertheless, among Taurus, more often than among other Zodiac Signs, there are homosexuals.
An egocentric with sadistic inclinations, Taurus terrorizes the family from childhood to old age, although outwardly it seems polite and affectionate to outsiders. His children must "walk on the line." All family finances are in his (her) hands, and only he (she) has the right to dispose of them.
The Taurus woman is pleasant, but those around her can be overwhelmed by her excessive practicality. She chooses her partner carefully. From her husband, she will always demand both moral and material compensation for the youth and beauty given to him.
Taurus women usually know better than other Zodiac signs how to keep a man with them. But it is from Taurus women that the most terrible and unbearable old maids are obtained.
Taurus does not trust anyone, even himself, and therefore the Taurus husband is painfully jealous.
Being a usurper of all the privileges that he can reach, Taurus in the family is the center and unquestioning manager. He looks different at work, where he is the most helpful member of the team. The authorities favor him.
In general, Taurus, being by nature firmly and firmly sewn, is healthy, hardy and energetic. He is born with a strong constitution and can live to an advanced age without any disease. Most of his illnesses stem from excessive work, drinking, smoking, love pleasures. When ill, Taurus does not recover for too long, falling into despondency and discouragement.
Taurus does not have an inferiority complex, and therefore the best career for him can be a career in politics, a military man or an athlete.
Taurus and Scorpio are two opposites to each other. The union of Taurus with Virgo, Capricorn, Aquarius is not always favorable. Taurus should avoid Pisces and Cancer. Libra and Sagittarius can become partners of Taurus, as well as Leo for love and friendship.
TWINS
from 22.05 to 21.06
- Who likes to make fun of others?
- And who does not tolerate ridicule over himself?
- Who loves endless attention to themselves?
- Of course, these are twins who are always quarreling!
from 22.06 to 22.07
- Who is changeable, like capricious weather: sometimes he fasts, sometimes he allows himself everything?
- And who can hope for the sympathy of this, the most in need of sympathy,
- thick-shelled Cancer?
Cancerians are self-contained losers and fatalists who do not believe that they can change their lives. This leads them to passivity, laziness and inertia.
Among all the Signs of the Zodiac, Cancer is the first contender for the role of an energy vampire, sucking energy from the psychosphere of the environment.
If the Moon is "strong" in the horoscopic birth chart of Cancer (this can only be established by a professional astrologer), then Cancer risks being a "lunar vampire". But we will not need the services of an astrologer to recognize a lunar vampire in Cancer: Cancer-Lunar Vampires are whiners for life, constantly "crying into a vest" and waiting for sympathy. They strive to "load" their wife (husband), and friends, and neighbors, and acquaintances with their experiences, in order to at least partially "load" their cross on them. These abilities of the lunar vampire are closely related to the phases of the moon, escalating during periods of full moon. The Moon controls the Lunar Vampire Cancers, determining the ups and downs of their mood. Cancers are susceptible to the mood of others: at the time of depression, they need to communicate on a psychological level with people who can bring them out of this mood. As soon as the mood of others worsens, Cancer will feel great relief, mental uplift and will come out of a state of mental depression.
If the Moon is “weak” in the horoscopic birth chart of Cancer (this can only be established by a professional astrologer), then Cancer risks being a “solar vampire”. But we can also recognize him without an astrologer, since Cancers-Solar Vampires are brawlers by nature. They choose a victim who is weak and stressed, impose their problem on her and provoke her to argue. The scandals perpetrated by the solar vampire are constant and have nothing to do with the phases of the moon.
"Cancer is hysterical and a liar. If he does not lie, then he is hysterical; if he is not hysterical, then he is lying" (astrologer A.N. Ryzhov).
Cancers are sensual, easily vulnerable and therefore terribly suspicious and touchy. They never forgive anyone for wrongs.
In their work, Cancers are relatively honest and almost reliable, but they do not like innovation. They have a heightened intuition, reaching mysticism, hiding it from others, because they don’t like to stand out from the crowd to the point of stomach cramps.
In life, Cancer is a loser. He is a conservative and opportunist, immersed in introspection. Nothing can change his beliefs. Upon learning that the suit fits him well, Cancer will drag him to the holes.
Cancer argues against any statement from the spirit of contradiction in order to mock the opponent and grow in his own bulging eyes.
From fear, Cancer can attack first, but usually, sensing danger, flees to its hole, to a place that cares and cherishes more than anything else. He gladly denigrates everyone and everything, pretending to be the master of the situation and pretending to be strong and self-confident. In fact, he is afraid of everyone to colic.
Cancer considers everyone to be idlers, for whom he works alone. Everyday work disgusts him, and he imperceptibly shoves it onto others.
It is difficult to find the object of love for Cancer because of his high claims, and having fallen in love, he can pursue the object of love for years.
Cancers are the mothers of all Zodiac Signs. They are good housewives, but usually they love their children more than their spouse. Yes, and they love them like a mother.
Cancers rarely marry early age, as it is difficult to leave parental home and too attached to the mother. Cancers are possessive and very jealous. Family for Cancer is his fortress.
Cancer is the only Sign of the Zodiac that can find mutual understanding with all others, but finds special happiness with Scorpio, Virgo, Capricorn and Pisces.
from 23.07 to 23.08
- Who is proud of everything that is related and close to him?
- And who expects the same from his entourage?
- And just can not stand their insensitive look?
- Ah, this is he, the loving and regal LION!
Of course, not everyone is called to rule the empire and the world, but those born under the Sign of Leo have the greatest chance of leadership. Lions are called to both rule and love. They are deeply unhappy if they are not worshipped. They are noble when it does not destroy their power charisma. The world for Leo is a huge stage on which a play written for his dramatic talent is played out. His unattainable arrogance can poison the life of everyone.
"Do not excite the system called Leo, otherwise he will lose his balance and fall on top of you. I didn’t say a word about the vestibule: I'm talking about excitation" (according to A.N. Ryzhov).
At first glance, Leos are confident in themselves, but in reality they are characterized by doubts. They are very concerned about their appearance (especially women). And they love a fat wallet very much.
Leos are generous to those, only to those they love. They are not receptive to the mood of others and never notice the hints they make.
Lions are poorly versed in people, and therefore Lions are conquered by flattery and praise. They are ambitious, shameless and aggressive. At the same time, they are also arrogant.
WITH early childhood Leo has a penchant for drinking and extortion. As a child, he extorts money from his parents, then from friends and acquaintances. His exaggerated pride and vanity can poison anyone's life, and gluttony can ruin any pocket. However, he rarely gets fat.
“To screw in a screw for Leo is everything, kranty. First of all, this is not a royal affair! He won’t unscrew it: he will knock him out with an ax along with the wall to his neighbor.
Leo is a locksmith? Well, it's a defective Lion! He must have square genitals. Can't be. Their hands do not grow from there. Here is a senior locksmith, this is yes! ”(According to A.N. Ryzhov).
Leos love to earn big money and even more like to spend it. They borrow a lot, give away, spend, and in general - often live beyond their means.
Lions are the most reckless and avid players in cards, lotto, billiards, but their luck is very doubtful. At the same time, they are incorrigible cheaters.
Leo has the highest success rate of all the signs of the zodiac, but he also has the worst failures.
Leo loves the whole world to revolve around him, therefore he always strives to be the first in everything, if this does not work out, he grows weak and noticeably shrinks in size. He has an unshakable sense of his own greatness, value and infallibility.
Pride is the enemy of Leo, especially if it is not justified by anything. In these cases, mental inflation sets in: depression, quirks, abusive morbid humor. Then he becomes an arrogant and pompous person, punishing others for his unfulfilled ambitions of a tyrant. He becomes a slave to his vices, a petty and restless adventurer who considers only himself. The "Napoleonic complex" that developed against the background of all this can sometimes bring Leo to a madhouse.
They say about Leo that he growls more often than he bites.
Ideal partners Leo - Libra, Cancer, Sagittarius, Aries, Gemini. Lviv has a mutual coldness with Aquarius and with Taurus.
VIRGO
from 24.08 to 23.09
- Who criticizes everything he sees and hears?
- Who analyzes each of his and each of our sneeze?
- Who loves and cherishes even their own illnesses?
- Of course, this is Virgo, a practical bore!
Those born under the sign of Virgo are intelligent and have an analytical mind, but they think too much of themselves. In others, he appreciates only erudition, and therefore often loses friends. For happiness, Virgos often lack ease of communication, although many people born under this Sign have achieved high results in their chosen activities.
But be aware: if after a few minutes of communication with smart person, you want to dismember him and send his remains to several non-existent addresses - this person, according to the horoscope, is most likely Virgo.
Virgo - "Woe from Wit": she constantly chews her mental chewing gum, conducting a mental dialogue with herself, building cages in her mind (not always golden ones), in which she prefers to live.
Virgo has the charm of a pink-faced toad, the gracefulness of an elephant from a china shop, the brains of a calculator.
Virgos are petty, stingy, boring and grumpy. With their tediousness and their nit-picking, Virgos can ruin any business and bring anyone to white heat. Virgo never improvises, and makes up the most detailed, boring and detailed action plans for herself and her loved ones, despite their protests.
Virgo is meticulous when it comes to spending, but she spends a lot. Her sayings: "A miser pays twice" and "If you don't pay extra, you don't inform." Virgo buys expensive things without haggling. However, Virgos love to wear things out and are hesitant to throw away old clothes.
Virgo's pedantry is unbearable. She has a cold calculation in everything, and everything she does is heavy and boring.
The virgins are masters of intrigue, and they will not rest until the entire race of their enemies has been plagued to the tenth generation.
The most terrible marriage, like a cannonball chained to the leg of a prisoner, is "Virgo + Virgo", which Leo Tolstoy had.
From negative traits The virgins who most repel friends and acquaintances from them are their eternal moralism, bordering on their hypocrisy and their narrow-mindedness.
The body of the Virgo does not feel like a part of nature. He has no Aries energy, reserve vitality Taurus, elasticity of Gemini, endurance of Cancer, resistance of Leo. It is perishable, it tires easily, it often looks painful.
The typical disease of Virgo is constipation and intestinal spasms that threaten to poison the entire system if they are too long. From them, Virgo develops merichlundia (bad mood) and even indigestia (indigestion). But Virgo has a first-class system of iron nerves, and she knows how to deal with health problems. Here is the Virgo's credo: "Beauty will be saved by an enema!".
Virgo monitors the symptoms and does not allow the bad to worsen. True, as a rule, this leads to an exaggerated attention to health, to a mania for cleanliness, to a fear of germs, which excludes all normal contacts, which can even result in sexual abstinence. It is also true that the Virgo's obsession with the mania of cleanliness is periodic, and the very next day the Virgo can get into the mud up to her ears.
The virgins are rude in a Jesuit way: with a delicate narrow-lipped grin, they throw out a whole bag of arguments they have collected. At the same time, their eyes become prickly, and their nose becomes a nose-trunk. And one more thing: when they are rude, they do not lie and do not think anything. These are such infections and ulcers!
Virgo has no natural instinct to do anything. If their heart is caught, they retreat, go into cover to think. They hate and fear all uncertainty and expectation. Passion seems to Virgo a disease of the soul, which the mind must heal. Virgos analyze their feelings, trying to minimize them with the help of reason, doubt, debate and ridicule, nevertheless being attached to the object of passion more than they think.
Virgo is hot ice, and therefore does not pour out her love with words, preferring deeds to words. Tenderness seems to Virgo a form of humiliation, and she considers herself above love lisping. The ingenious slow-witted Virgo often "remains on the beans", being unable to choose, like Buridan's donkey, one of the two, and that is why not a single Sign has more bachelors and old maids, isolated in a cage until the end of days or, as they say, "in an ivory tower".
Virgo men take the 1st place in terms of impotence among all Zodiac Signs.
For Virgo, alliance with Capricorn, Taurus, Scorpio and Cancer is favorable, but she should avoid Aries and Sagittarius.
funny horoscope 3.50 /5 (4 votes)
Aries is an emotional bastard.
If he is passionate about something, he does not bother to explain his actions to others, he simply acts as he sees fit. To ask for forgiveness - pride does not allow. I am convinced that the truth is in it.
Excuses: “Something rolled up”, “Damn beguiled” etc.
Taurus is a greedy bastard.
Obsessed with buying. A targeted avenger, always calculates the trajectory of the blow, to be sure.
Excuses: "You deserve this fate".
Gemini is a careless bastard.
Loves games, jokes, funny companies. The eternal dichotomy of evil and good. For the sake of a joke, he devalues the rules and traditions, depriving them of drama, sincerely not understanding what he is doing and quickly forgets about it.
Excuses: “Are you offended? WHY?"
Cancer is a miserable bastard.
Because of his vulnerability, vulnerability, susceptibility, he is always an "angel-like creature" innocently injured, while the opponent is a monster in a "devilish guise" even if Cancer himself is a champion in filth and dirty tricks. He will also make sure that the whole world knows how you have treated him unfairly.
Excuses: "It's your fault that I'm like this!"
Leo is a pompous bastard.
Well, everything is clear here, the crown presses, the greatness of the world distorts. Everything is divided into “He” and “the rest.” He is great, others are dust underfoot.
Excuses: "I so wanted to."
Virgo is a vindictive bastard.
In the eternal pursuit of perfection, impeccability and correctness, she draws her portrait of “God in the flesh on earth”, such a walking messiah and do not let you be imprudent to speak unsatisfactorily, unprofitably about her. Can wait long and hard for the right chance to remember.
Excuses: Triumphant "Do you remember …"
Libra is a mercantile bastard.
Windy and changeable. Great virtuosos extricate themselves from sticky situations. A real politician pursuing his own interests, if necessary, will promise, lie, slander.
Excuses: no. Got drunk and fled.
Scorpio is a top notch bastard.
A lover of creating a veil of mystery around himself such that he himself gets entangled in it, plus an unquenchable thirst for an ideal clouds their minds, forcing them to position themselves as an instrument of justice and retribution. If from their point of view you broke any rules, you should be punished.
Excuses: no.
Sagittarius is a bastard.
A very complex being, eager to prove himself in the field of social activity and quite successful in this matter. Tram squabbles, bazaar skirmishes, all kinds of quarrels and conflicts in which you can take your soul away - this is his element.
Excuses: raised tone, meaningless text, obscene language.
Capricorn is a stupid bastard.
Just as an ostrich hides its head in the sand, believing that there is no danger, so a capricorn, resting its horns “anywhere” does not want to see, feel and make decisions. Moreover, he firmly believes that if he persists in this way, the problem will be resolved by itself, and even according to his scenario, and when he sees the ashes around him, he will be stupidly surprised: “How did it happen?”.
Excuses: "It happened".
