Russian wives in Germany. Should a Russian woman marry a German? German husbands about Russian wives

Society >> customs

"Partner" №12 (147) 2009

Breakfast in German, or why Russian-German marriages pose a danger.

Daria Boll-Palievskaya (Dusseldorf)

“Imagine, I am alone here, no one understands me,” Pushkin's Tatyana Larina wrote in her famous letter to Onegin.

Probably, many Russian women who married Germans could subscribe to these sad lines. Why do mutual misunderstandings often occur in Russian-German marriages? Usually in such families the husband is German and the wife is Russian. This means that it is the wife who finds herself in a cultural environment alien to her. After the first stages, typical for all people who find themselves abroad (admiration, then culture shock), everyday life begins. It seems that all the misadventures with the German departments are over, the language has been mastered in one way or another (we will not touch on language issues, because this is a separate and very important topic), life goes on as usual. Yes, that's just something she goes, as they say, "someone else's" course.

Thousands of little things that for a German are things for granted, because he grew up with them, are not familiar to a Russian woman, they are not clear. And precisely because the German husband perceives the reality around him as something absolutely normal, it does not occur to him that his Russian wife should be “guided” through a new way of life for her, in figuratively, by the hand, explaining his world, his rules of the game.

All of us are characterized by the so-called "naive realism". That is, it seems to us that in the world there are only such orders that we have, and everyone who lives somehow differently is perceived by us either as narrow-minded or as ill-mannered people. Well, for example, in Germany it is customary to smear a bun with butter and only then put cheese or sausage on it. But it would never occur to an Italian to spread butter on ciabatta bread to put salami on it. Thus, it seems to the German that the Italian is eating the “wrong” sandwich and vice versa. Or in Russia it is customary to wash dishes under running water from the tap (for those who do not have dishwashers, of course), and the German will first pour a full sink of water and wash the dishes in it. For Russians, such dishwashing is a fuss in dirty water, and the German will faint, seeing how the Russians squander water. From such, it would seem, trifles, everyday life is woven. And these little things can spoil it, lead to quarrels.

A German husband, getting to know his wife's relatives, who introduce themselves to him by name, immediately addresses them as you. Wife: “How can you poke my uncle, because he is 25 years older than you!” But the German did something, based on his cultural standards, quite right. If people wanted to be told "you", they would give their last name, he argues.

The Russian wife, about to go to her birthday, did not think to pack a gift. Husband: “Who gives a book just like that, without a beautiful wrapper!” Here the wife proceeds from her habits. A husband blows his nose into a handkerchief so loudly on public transport that his Russian wife blushes. A Russian wife, after ten o'clock in the evening, calls her German acquaintances, her husband reproaches her for bad manners. And for her, this is nothing unusual. In Russia, people, one might say, only begin to live after ten in the evening, or rather hang on their phones. The husband is going to take out expensive insurance against unprofessional unsuitability, but the wife sees no point in this and insists on buying new car. After all, we are used to living for today and do not like to think about the future. Such examples could be given endlessly.

Later, with the advent of children, conflicts related to upbringing may arise between spouses. A Russian mother cooks porridge for the baby for breakfast, the husband is horrified: “What kind of scumbag is this? A healthy breakfast is yogurt and muesli! That's what a child needs!" A German husband takes a child for a walk in bad weather, without a hat or scarf. Then it’s the turn of the Russian wife to be indignant: “Do you want the child to catch pneumonia?” Going to parent meeting kindergarten, the wife preens and puts on an elegant dress. Husband: “Why are you dressing so beautifully, we’re only going to kindergarten?”

How to get out of the vicious circle? Is any Russian-German marriage doomed to divorce? Of course not. "All happy families similar to each other, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” wrote Leo Tolstoy. To paraphrase the classic, we can probably say that all the so-called mixed Russian-German marriages are similar to each other, because they face very similar problems, they experience comparable conflicts.

The difference in cultural standards, on the one hand, is fraught with a special danger, but, on the other hand, enriches marriage, makes it interesting, unusual. Only for this it is necessary to get rid of two extremes. First, do not explain all the causes of family troubles by the fact that one of the spouses is a foreigner. When insulting generalizations are made from the private and spread to the whole nation, this will not help the cause. If a Russian wife begs her husband to buy an expensive car, this is no reason to say that "all Russians are throwing money away." And if the husband asks to make sure that the lights are turned off in the apartment, you don’t have to tell him that “typical German miserliness” has woken up in him.

Secondly, one must be very attentive to one's cultural roots. The fact is that a husband and wife often think that they quarrel because they “did not agree on the characters,” meanwhile, it is their different cultures interfere with understanding each other. So explain to your husbands why you do something this way and not otherwise. Ask them to explain their actions as well.

“Somehow we rented an apartment on the Baltic Sea on vacation. When the owner handed over the keys to us, I asked him how we should separate the garbage. When he left, my German husband laughed to tears: “My Russian wife is puzzled by the correct sorting of garbage!” But I always ridiculed the pedantry of the Germans in this matter, but here I myself did not notice how I adopted the rules of the game. On the same day, my husband, grilling excellent kebabs according to all the rules of art, indignantly told me how some “Besserwisser” made a remark to him about the fact that he had parked incorrectly: “What kind of manner is this to teach others and point out how they live. Who cares how I park. Philistines! On this day, it became especially clear to me that we learned a lot from each other and that nothing is scary in our marriage, ”my Russian friend with 15 years of marriage told me.

“All people are the same, only their habits are different,” said Confucius. Now, if we learn to accept the habits of another person, and not impose our own on him, and on the other hand, we agree to accept the "foreign charter", then the Russian-German family can become an example to follow.

We flew through Tallinn on a flight Hamburg - Tallinn - St. Petersburg.
After a wonderful day in Tallinn with our old, but newly found musician friends after a 15-year break, Sabina and I arrived in St. Petersburg from Tallinn on a cornfield that seemed about to collapse.

At the airport we were met in a car by my old friend. From St. Petersburg airport you can drive to the city center, making a small circle, through the embankments, which look just great on white nights: ancient buildings and palaces are beautifully illuminated and it seems that some of them just hover over the city(St. Isaac's Cathedral, the Admiralty, the monument to Peter, etc.).

My wife was in amazement, she saw many films about St. Petersburg, but to see such beauty with her own eyes was unusual and pleasant for her. We were so tired that we didn’t really understand and didn’t consider what the apartment-hotel, which we ordered via the Internet, was like. The windows of the apartment were tightly closed, so without opening them, we instantly fell into a dream. The beds were comfortable, the linen starched.

Waking up early in the morning, we opened the windows, and a mass of mosquitoes immediately rushed into the apartment, since there were no nets on the windows against these creatures. We appreciated how well we did that in the evening we did not open the windows, and therefore we slept peacefully all night. I knew that hot water was turned off in the city in June and was glad that we took a shower without complications. Going downstairs, we read on entrance doors what with today hot water is turned off. Near the house there is a pleasant cafe with a good interior, where we ordered pancakes, cheesecakes, pies and pies, which my wife really liked.

I called a friend who works in the Hermitage and asked her to take us to the museum. Sabina saw a huge queue of people entering the Hermitage, but we got into the museum without a queue from the service entrance. From the Hermitage we went to Nevsky Prospekt through Palace Square. Sabina remembered that she had read somewhere how a group of drunken sailors staged a so-called assault from this square. Winter Palace, that is, the current Hermitage. I told Sabina on the way about different historical buildings and the palaces we passed by. On Nevsky Prospekt, she was struck by many buildings, especially the Kazan Cathedral and the Book House. “Are there too many impressions in one day?”, - said the wife, after visiting the restored Eliseevsky store and the cafe located there, where we went to drink a cup of coffee, the price of which was much higher than the average price of the same cup in Germany. But the interior decoration and beauty of this cafe amazed us. Sabina never ceased to be surprised, as she said, by this city, unique in its architecture and superbly well-groomed center.

From the Hermitage she was simply shocked - especially the halls with Dutch painting (she is a great connoisseur and lover of this painting). She told me that they wrote in the newspapers that, it turns out, Piotrovsky was blackmailing the Dutch government, demanding that if they do not want Dutch painting to be flooded by rains, then it is necessary to give money for the roof. The Dutch really transferred a tidy sum and the Rembrandts were not flooded.
We dined at a very inexpensive Uzbek restaurant with tortillas and pilaf. The restaurant is run by Jews, with whom I managed to make connections with me during my previous visits to St. Petersburg. The lamb, which the chef himself brought to us on a beautiful dish, simply “melted” in the mouth. Leaning towards me, the chef told me confidentially that this lamb was not defrosted, but completely steamed, and he personally bought this meat at an expensive market for special customers. Sabina laughed a lot that we fell into the category of special clients.

She only repeated: “how interesting - to the Hermitage through the service entrance, in the restaurant - a familiar chef, tickets for the performance - by pull" .

On a preliminary call from our relative, we turned to the theater box office and received tickets to Mariinskii Opera House, which did not exist at all for everyone else. Sabina finally understood the advantage of "blat" and even learned this word, although in her German mouth the word "blat" And "bl..b" were practically indistinguishable. She only repeated: “how interesting - to the Hermitage through the service entrance, in the restaurant - a familiar chef, tickets for the performance - by pull" .

In St. Petersburg, it was 28 degrees of heat and wild humidity, which did not correspond to the forecasts of the Hydrometeorological Center of the Russian Federation about rain and cold. Relying on the Hydrometeorological Center, we arrived almost in autumn clothes, but here we were exhausted from the heat, we had to buy a few summer things. Sabina was surprised by the abundance of things, but at the same time by the sufficient high cost and, most importantly, by the absence of discounts on goods, which are constantly available in Germany.

Sabina was surprised that - at least, "Natashas" (according to the Germans, these are prostitutes) no longer walk along Nevsky Prospekt with a decollete in short skirts and high heels. I replied that the 1990s and even the 2000s had already passed, and now women, as always, especially in post-perestroika Russia, really look very attractive. We noticed how many beautiful, well-dressed and tastefully dressed girls were around, with bright make-up, which is not typical of German women. But how these girls-women walk in such heels on asphalt, which melts from the heat, was completely incomprehensible to me, a man!

My wife loves everything here. I do everything for this!

In general, she says that the image of Russia created by the Western media over all these years is completely untrue, and that everything here is much more diverse than it seemed to her before. Now she understands her parents and many other Germans who really like the modern look of St. Petersburg, despite some moments of life that surprise them, Germans who love order.

during this wonderful time of white nights in June, hot water is always turned off in St. Petersburg, although there are a lot of tourists in the city.

Sabina said that she wanted to come to the city again, but not only to see architectural monuments but also to feel how they live simple people, look into courtyards and front doors, take public transport rather than a taxi and try to live in the city without "blat". And one more thing - she was very surprised by the presence of luxurious expensive cars on the roads of the city.

In general, Russia continues to be an incomprehensible country for foreigners, which they look at with eyes wide open in surprise.

Yuri.
Petersburg-Berlin-Hannover.

Photo © iStockphoto.com © Fotolia.com

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Is a Russian wife a domestic servant?

In Germany, the work of hired workers is valued and respected: nannies, cooks, gardeners, housekeepers, etc. Since the German state seriously protects and supports domestic staff, the prices for their services have risen very much over the past 15 years. Therefore, most German families are increasingly taking care of the house on their own.

Caring for the hearth does not lie entirely on the shoulders of the weaker sex - men most often share household duties with their wife. Mow the lawn, cook dinner, clean up, plant cucumber-tomatoes, change the baby's diapers - this, like many other things, German men even do better women. Therefore, if you are a woman and dream of going out marry a german, know that a man will appreciate and respect his wife, and household chores (except in rare cases), you can share between two. In Germany, equality in everything.

How do German families live?

Is it true that German men are stingy? Yes, they know how to count money. The Germans are adherents of order and discipline, regularity and thrift. Therefore, Russian wives quite often have to deal with negative emotions husbands if the woman allowed part of the family budget to be spent unplanned. But the wife will never be left without such trinkets necessary in everyday life as going to the cinema and restaurants, exclusively female joys and pleasant gifts. German men, like Russian men, amuse their vanity.

In addition, probably in Germany, there is not a single family that would not go on vacation at least once a year. And there can be no talk of forgotten children. A child will never be left without care and concern. After all, a child for a man brought up in German traditions is above all. And a child is the main thing in life, and not a burden, as we often think.

Such qualities as reliability, responsibility and predictability are true value German men. Therefore, get out marry a german- means, is under reliable protection, and to be sure in the near future.

Russian women in Germany are a great value

It is known that in Germany there are more men than women. Therefore, every woman there is worth its weight in gold. At the same time, a woman over forty is not written off, as in our country. There are several contenders for each.

Add to this the fact that German women are increasingly striving to be independent. They do not plan to have a family and children, defending their freedom and devoting time only to themselves.
Therefore, German men who are looking for a safe family haven are increasingly taking women from other European countries as their wives.

A married woman is zealously protected by the German state. In the event of a divorce, serious payments fall on the shoulders of a man. You can't get away from alimony. In addition, usually ex-husband pays his wife a pension supplement. For a German man, divorce is acceptable only in case of emergency, when life in the family becomes completely unbearable. Here, real women are not scattered, but appreciated. And highly valued.

Everything seems to be fine, and you can safely go out marry a german? Yes it is. But be prepared to be misunderstood. And this is not only about the fact that it is not always easy for men and women to understand each other, and not because of the language barrier. It often happens that German husbands do not understand why his Russian wife acts this way, and not like a German, in accordance with the mentality. And for a Russian woman, some, self-evident, everyday situations in German families can be shocking. It’s good if the partners have enough humor to attribute everything to a bad mood. But if he expects rationality and predictability from her, and she expects money, fun and heroic deeds from her husband, most likely the marriage will not last long.

Germany without lies Tomchin Alexander B.

8.8. Marry a German?

8.8. Marry a German?

In St. Petersburg, 25-year-old Vera met a young man from Germany via the Internet. Manfred sent her a long letter and she asked me to help her translate. Her fan writes that in Germany, women think only about their careers, they are extremely emancipated and selfish and do not want to burden themselves with family worries. He also blames them for their lack of honesty and devotion. Manfred hopes: “I think that there are still real women in Russia who are not so selfish and, like me, dream of a family and happiness.”

Germans are increasingly marrying foreigners. Already in every sixth marriage, one of the spouses has a foreign passport. In mixed families, the birth rate is higher, and on the street you can see a lot of cute babies with slanted eyes or dark-skinned ones. Often there are wives from Poland and Russia. But unpretentious women from Asia and Africa are especially valued - Thai, Filipina, etc.

Thomas, 45, from Hamburg, fell in love with a Cuban woman and explains: “In our country, everyone is preoccupied with work, money, career, and in Cuba people value feelings. There, women even move differently than here - erotically. Our women lack sensuality." To be fair, it must be admitted that german women sometimes they marry dark-skinned Africans or Arabs and then address the same reproaches to their male compatriots. Marriages of this kind, however, are short-lived - over the years, passions cool down.

The Germans also have Russian wives. They arrive in Germany daily in the flow of tourists. What else can we export besides oil and gas? Coming to Russia, the Germans are surprised at how much beautiful women. And our young women dress more effectively. And it's not just about looks. In our traditions, a woman's ability to do housework and devotion to the family. And the requests are modest.

How is the fate of mixed couples? Nina is 28 years old, she met a German in St. Petersburg and has been dating him for 8 years. But he is still not going to marry her. And he explains that he is currently building a house. What if she doesn't wait any longer? “It would be a pity to lose you, but what can you do,” he replies. With a Russian marriage, he would have to register, but with compatriots you can do without such a risk.

To marry a Russian, a German must prove that he earns enough. Some mixed couples for 400 euros draw up documents in Denmark, in the city of Tonder, 4 km from the border with Germany, in just 3 days. Or in Finland, where it is enough to live together for one week. So strict German rules can be bypassed.

If the husband is a foreigner living in Germany and does not have citizenship, then his wife will not receive a work permit there. But even if the husband is German, when they meet at the announcement of the spouses, sometimes tricks await. Imagine: a Russian woman seems to have married a German businessman. She came with two children to him in Germany, and his house is empty. He does not work, he finds furniture on the street and rummages through garbage cans. Or the opposite example - a Russian bride married a wealthy German, the owner of a mansion, and thought that they had everything in half there. And according to the marriage contract, she does not own anything. He works in his office, and she has to keep a huge house clean and tidy. And he feels locked in it - no friends, no communication.

A German husband can also be deceived in his hopes. If in Germany he was considered of modest income, then in Russia this bride hunter is perceived as fairy prince! They knew each other by correspondence, but who wrote letters to her? And now our long-legged beauty comes to a simple German worker. She doesn't really want to learn German. To his amazement, she did not at all dream of working as a cleaner in a toilet or a packer on an assembly line. She likes to travel and dress beautifully. And chat for hours with friends on the phone. And for some reason, the husband demands to save money and always asks: “Why did you buy this?” But she knows - you have to endure two years. And exactly two years later, she suddenly does not come home to spend the night, and he receives a letter from the social service, in which they demand that he send money to support her. ordinary story! Divorced wives usually do not go home to Russia, but stay in Germany forever.

How do Germans evaluate Russian women? I have heard more than once that our women love children and home comfort, they are very beautiful, understanding, but jealous. “Compared to German women, Russian women are more domestic, you get more love from them,” says my friend Leon. The Germans believe that they are excellent housewives, cook well, are hospitable, but uneconomical: they love shopping, they expect gifts, flowers and full financial support from their husbands. Meanwhile, in Germany they are accustomed to the equality of men and women who work together, pay vacations together and save money together. A middle-aged couple, seemingly in a close relationship, are sitting in a restaurant. She told him: “We pay in half?” He told her: “No need, you bought me a ticket to the theater yesterday.”

Russian women speak of the Germans in different ways. When meeting them, it sometimes jars that the German partner does not give a coat, does not open the car door, meets at the airport without a bouquet of flowers. Some Germans seem boring. “Everything is planned, thought out, everything is according to the rules. There is no one better than our men, ”says Marina, who lives in Germany. You can also hear this, but rarely - more often women who are married to Germans are satisfied. Their husbands babysit the children, do housework, prepare meals and help them more. “Our Russian men were crushed, and besides, there aren’t enough of them for everyone ... In Germany, there are much more single men who carry women in their arms, don’t drink or smoke, take care of themselves and don’t raise a hand against a woman,” says Oksana. “They care about order, confidence, and not the wind in the field, well ... smoke,” Vera agrees with her. - Germans rarely get divorced, they have responsibility for the family. Here, respect for the family, children, women, the elderly is brought up from childhood and is welcomed by the church.”

How is the fate of mixed couples? If women marry only to go abroad and improve their financial situation, they have a hard time. If they are looking for love and security, accepting a German husband as he is, if they have a desire to learn new things, adapt and work there, then they have a better chance of happiness. And the most important thing for them is to learn and learn German: relationships with their husbands, at work and with everyone around them depend on it. Many find prosperity, a safer life, better social security, more comfort in everyday life and confidence in the prosperous future of their children in Germany.

Our 20-year-old friend Mathias met Svetlana from a small Russian city by correspondence. Until he married her. He likes her, but... Sveta breaks the unwritten German rules. The sexuality of a woman in Germany, emphasized by clothes and make-up, testifies more to her problems than to her merits.

A German woman will not wear a miniskirt, a sheer or revealing blouse, patterned tights, and high-heeled shoes to work. Because she works there, and does not seduce men.

Inna, a young woman - divorced, living with her schoolboy son - married Dirk and moved in with him in a small town in southern Germany. At first, she was fascinated by the wonderful nature, the wonderful climate. In the ad, he wrote that he had a house, a car, a good financial situation. It turned out that the house belongs to his parents, with whom he lives together. Now Dirk has lost his job. Opportunities are few in a small town. She found a job for herself, but a hard one - on the assembly line. When she comes home from work, she doesn't want to tell Dirk anything. Why? He will begin to correct her German, and she wants to rest. When Inna brushes her teeth, Dirk stands behind her. And she tries to take a bath when he is not at home: water must be saved! Life was not serene, as it seemed at first.

However, I also know happy mixed couples who have lived together for many years and understand each other well. Most often they arise as a result of acquaintance during joint studies. Jurgen, a student from the former GDR, married a Russian student Tanya after graduation and took her to Germany. Her fate turned out well. She was successful in raising two sons, and in scientific work. For this, it was necessary to master German, and it is much more difficult than it seems to many.

Larisa from St. Petersburg and Max from Germany studied together in Germany at the university and celebrated their wedding in St. Petersburg. Now Larisa lives with her German husband in Germany and is quite happy. She rejoices in many pleasant little things there - how neatly the buses run according to the schedule and what people are obligatory here. Max seems to her not so pedantic. Only occasionally there are mutual recriminations: “Why don’t you learn how to separate paper from food waste?” “I can’t take these endless Christmas visits with pies, cakes and cookies anymore!” “Yes, we are used to saving money! Is it hard to turn off the light when you leave the kitchen?” “You are such a typical German!” she screams in the heat of the moment. "Well, it's absolutely Russian," he gets angry.

Such a marriage is a complex mixture of love and irritation. They are different, it brings together and repels at the same time. Accepting other people's habits and customs is difficult, and not everyone succeeds. The main thing is to learn to give in and understand each other. As, however, in any marriage.

Do German women marry our men? Happens. But much less frequently. How do German women evaluate our men? The 29-year-old Hamburg native, who recently opened her night bar in the center of St. Petersburg, says that our men are more attentive, gentler, more romantic and less rational than her compatriots. But at the same time, in her opinion, they want their wife to take care of them at home. And this trait repels emancipated German women.

Another example is a young German woman, a female psychologist who came to St. Petersburg University for an internship, says that Russian men show interest in her and behave with her very correctly, but she does not trust them at all. Because her colleagues - Petersburgers - opened her eyes. They explained to her that all our men are interested in her precisely because she is a foreigner, and that in fact they are so own ...