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German husbands about Russian wives. My wife is German - First visit to Russia with wide eyes

Marriage with a foreigner has long been no surprise. A wife or husband of a different nationality, religion or skin color is not perceived as an alien from another galaxy. The main thing is that there is harmony and love in the couple. If two people love each other, they naturally compromise to make their spouse happy.

The Germans, like any other nationality, have their own characteristics. They are calm, unhurried, strictly adhere to the established routine and are friendly. But nevertheless, a general idea of national character traits will help to smooth out the period of getting used to the peculiarities of the mentality.

If the husband is German...

German is no different from other representatives male on Earth, with the exception of those qualities that are absorbed with mother's milk. They are practical, their life is strictly ordered and every step in their life is the result of a sober calculation. Family life becomes attractive for Germans by the age of 35-40, i.e. when the character is already fully formed. Of course, for the sake of the woman he loves, a spouse can change his attitude to some things, but the main "Ordnung muss sein" remains unchanged.

1. Men in Germany brought up on the principles of gender equality, so if you want to open the door for you - say so.

2. Rules set once is an unshakable foundation family life. Punctuality and clarity in everything. Daily schedule, clear distribution of responsibilities around the house. Meetings with friends, shopping, communication with relatives, the menu - everything is regulated.

3. Rules, according to German men, help to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings.

5. Germans are romantic their attitude is manifested not in words, but in deeds.

6. Germans value education, therefore, they are impressed by women who are able to support a conversation on any topic.

7. For a German husband, cooking, cleaning or any other household chores are not a threat to authority or male pride.

8. German for all questions answer directly and specifically, without allegory.

9. Germans appreciate sincerity, sense of humor and sociability.

10. German men, like everyone else, they love to be admired. But this should not be crude flattery or a general enthusiastic attitude. It should concern specific features or traits of character.

If the wife is German...

german women No wonder they are considered the most emancipated women on the planet. They are educated, self-sufficient and aimed at achieving certain goals. In the first place is a career, marriage becomes interesting by the age of 30-40. The choice of a partner is reserved and they prefer to be judged not by appearance, but by other qualities, primarily for education, success and financial independence.

1. German women are reserved and conservative, Appearance for them is first of all comfort and only then elegance.

2. German women live for their own pleasure, without thinking about marriage until 35. A family is created only after verification by a civil marriage.

3. Taking care of the household, children and life is always divided equally. A full-fledged housewife from a German is obtained only if, after the birth of a child, she completely quit her job.

4. German women are economical, practical and frugal. In the family, the spouses have a separate account and their own responsibilities for paying bills, including clothes and all kinds of little things. All this without deviation from the established routine.

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Society >> customs

"Partner" №12 (147) 2009

Breakfast in German, or why Russian-German marriages pose a danger.

Daria Boll-Palievskaya (Dusseldorf)

“Imagine, I am alone here, no one understands me,” Pushkin's Tatyana Larina wrote in her famous letter to Onegin.

Probably, many Russian women who married Germans could subscribe to these sad lines. Why do mutual misunderstandings often occur in Russian-German marriages? Usually in such families the husband is German and the wife is Russian. This means that it is the wife who finds herself in a cultural environment alien to her. After the first stages, typical for all people who find themselves abroad (admiration, then culture shock), everyday life begins. It seems that all the misadventures with the German departments are over, the language has been mastered in one way or another (we will not touch on language issues, because this is a separate and very important topic), life goes on as usual. Yes, that's just something she goes, as they say, "someone else's" turn.

Thousands of little things that for a German are things for granted, because he grew up with them, are not familiar to a Russian woman, they are not clear. And precisely because german husband perceives the reality around him as something absolutely normal, it does not occur to him that his Russian wife should be “guided” through a new way of life for her, in figuratively, by the hand, explaining his world, his rules of the game.

All of us are characterized by the so-called "naive realism". That is, it seems to us that in the world there are only such orders that we have, and everyone who lives somehow differently is perceived by us either as narrow-minded or as ill-mannered people. Well, for example, in Germany it is customary to smear a bun with butter and only then put cheese or sausage on it. But it would never occur to an Italian to spread butter on ciabatta bread to put salami on it. Thus, it seems to the German that the Italian is eating the “wrong” sandwich and vice versa. Or in Russia it is customary to wash dishes under running water from the tap (for those who do not have dishwashers, of course), and the German will first pour a full sink of water and wash the dishes in it. For Russians, such dishwashing is a fuss in dirty water, and the German will faint, seeing how the Russians squander water. From such, it would seem, trifles, everyday life is woven. And these little things can spoil it, lead to quarrels.

A German husband, getting to know his wife's relatives, who introduce themselves to him by name, immediately addresses them as you. Wife: “How can you poke my uncle, because he is 25 years older than you!” But the German did something, based on his cultural standards, quite right. If people wanted to be told "you", they would give their last name, he argues.

The Russian wife, about to go to her birthday, did not think to pack a gift. Husband: “Who gives a book just like that, without a beautiful wrapper!” Here the wife proceeds from her habits. A husband blows his nose into a handkerchief so loudly on public transport that his Russian wife blushes. A Russian wife, after ten o'clock in the evening, calls her German acquaintances, her husband reproaches her for bad manners. And for her, this is nothing unusual. In Russia, people, one might say, only begin to live after ten in the evening, or rather hang on their phones. The husband is going to take out expensive insurance against unprofessional unsuitability, but the wife sees no point in this and insists on buying new car. After all, we are used to living for today and do not like to think about the future. Such examples could be given endlessly.

Later, with the advent of children, conflicts related to upbringing may arise between spouses. A Russian mother cooks porridge for the baby for breakfast, the husband is horrified: “What kind of scumbag is this? A healthy breakfast is yogurt and muesli! That's what a child needs!" A German husband takes a child for a walk in bad weather, without a hat or scarf. Then it’s the turn of the Russian wife to be indignant: “Do you want the child to catch pneumonia?” Going to parent meeting kindergarten, the wife preens and puts on an elegant dress. Husband: “Why are you dressing so beautifully, we’re only going to kindergarten?”

How to get out of the vicious circle? Is any Russian-German marriage doomed to divorce? Of course not. "All happy families similar to each other, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” wrote Leo Tolstoy. To paraphrase the classic, we can probably say that all the so-called mixed Russian-German marriages are similar to each other, because they face very similar problems, they experience comparable conflicts.

The difference in cultural standards, on the one hand, is fraught with a special danger, but, on the other hand, enriches marriage, makes it interesting, unusual. Only for this it is necessary to get rid of two extremes. First, do not explain all the causes of family troubles by the fact that one of the spouses is a foreigner. When insulting generalizations are made from the private and spread to the whole nation, this will not help the cause. If a Russian wife begs her husband to buy an expensive car, this is no reason to say that "all Russians are throwing money away." And if the husband asks to make sure that the lights are turned off in the apartment, you don’t have to tell him that “typical German miserliness” has woken up in him.

Secondly, one must be very attentive to one's cultural roots. The fact is that a husband and wife often think that they quarrel because they “did not agree on the characters,” meanwhile, it is their different cultures interfere with understanding each other. So explain to your husbands why you do something this way and not otherwise. Ask them to explain their actions as well.

“Somehow we rented an apartment on the Baltic Sea on vacation. When the owner handed over the keys to us, I asked him how we should separate the garbage. When he left, my German husband laughed to tears: “My Russian wife is puzzled by the correct sorting of garbage!” But I always ridiculed the pedantry of the Germans in this matter, but here I myself did not notice how I adopted the rules of the game. On the same day, my husband, grilling excellent kebabs according to all the rules of art, indignantly told me how some “Besserwisser” made a remark to him about the fact that he had parked incorrectly: “What kind of manner is this to teach others and point out how they live. Who cares how I park. Philistines! On this day, it became especially clear to me that we learned a lot from each other and that nothing is scary in our marriage, ”my Russian friend with 15 years of marriage told me.

“All people are the same, only their habits are different,” said Confucius. Now, if we learn to accept the habits of another person, and not impose our own on him, and on the other hand, we agree to accept the "foreign charter", then the Russian-German family can become an example to follow.

Knowing the laws is the duty of every sane woman who is going to marry a foreigner, and even more so if she is already abroad. It is better to get acquainted with the laws of the country of the future spouse even before moving to the West: to clearly know not only your duties, but also civil rights.

My age (40-plus) and my personal 12-year experience of living in Germany with a West German give me, in my opinion, the moral right to try to warn Russian brides who marry abroad in advance, to advise them to seek legal help, to be savvy in certain issues that will later be faced in the country of her husband. You may need to seek advice or legal assistance based on your personal situation. Having entered the III stage of the struggle for equality (feminism was the second “wave”), German women and foreign women who moved to Germany at least ten years ago achieved such big victories that Russian, American or French wives can envy them (although France and the USA claim to be super-democracy). Behind last decade in Germany, for example, there are many printed publications in Russian, in which there are answers from qualified Russian-speaking lawyers specializing in the problems of emigrants, including foreign wives of German spouses. Brochures have been published in Russian reflecting the problems of emigrants of various statuses.

Unfortunately, the Russian mentality and the common habit of Russian citizens - to save on the services of a qualified lawyer, that is, on the vital: personal safety and security, subsequently leads to big problems, the solution of which will require a lot of emotional and financial investments. But many problems can be avoided if you have information, clearly know and understand the law.

Russian brides who go abroad to marry are, as a rule, illiterate in legal matters, drugged by a quick “victory” and extremely self-confident. Often, it is they who face problems after marriage (especially if the question of divorce arises). However, a chain of obstacles and misunderstandings may arise already at the stage of preparation for the wedding. During my stay in Germany, I learned more than one similar story.

Among Western women (especially educated German women) it is rare to find those who, having decided to marry a foreigner, do not first turn to a lawyer or a lawyer specializing in international marriages.

About the marriage contract

In Russia, the marriage contract has not yet taken root, it is considered some kind of vicious deal. As a rule, it is not customary to talk about this, being at the candy-bouquet stage and even before marriage. Many people naively believe that nothing bad will ever happen to me. This is again the Russian mentality.

And I thought so, leaving at the dawn of perestroika to live in Germany, where I later met my husband. But having lived for some time abroad, I learned a lot and today I am convinced that a marriage contract is required document upon marriage. This is especially true if you marry a foreigner.

No sane Western woman would marry without a marriage contract. After all, this document is a vital insurance for yourself and future children.

Marriage contracts are such a common thing here in the West that there are even online samples, that is, templates of this document. But I think it's not worth saving money to go to a consultation with a lawyer who can explain all the pros and cons, based on a particular situation.

Dear ladies, if the future foreign spouse in every possible way resists drawing up a marriage contract, you should think about its reliability! Because, in many countries, for example, in Germany, the conclusion of this agreement between spouses is as common as brushing your teeth. By the way, German law provides for the invalidation of a marriage contract if it takes into account the interests of only one of the parties, for example. German spouse. So the law will protect you, dear ladies, the main thing is to be able to use it.

If you are already in the status of a “foreign wife”, you have had troubles in your family, but you are not yet officially divorced from your German husband and live with him in the same living space, be aware that in this case the German husband must pay for a lawyer’s consultation . This provision applies if the spouse does not work and therefore does not have her own income. Often, one letter from a lawyer is enough to “put in place” a rowdy husband, a presumptuous scoundrel. If a divorce is inevitable, in Germany, alimony is paid not only for joint children, but also for the former spouse, regardless of her citizenship.

This is the main difference between the consequences of divorce in Germany and Russia. In general, the Western spouse (especially german wife) is more protected by law than Russian woman, where in the event of violence from the side of the husband, you won’t even wait for the police, because the operational squad does not leave for family quarrels. The Russian proverb “Darlings scold, only amuse” rules here.

Someone may object that only German women or German citizens are protected by law, however, this is not so. There is in Germany the Aliens Act, which regulates the rights and obligations of foreign citizens, as well as the Residence Act, which prescribes the procedure for the stay of foreign citizens in Germany, including foreign wives.

I recommend that you familiarize yourself with these laws before leaving Russia. You must clearly understand what the law regulates in relation to you. After all, for example, in Germany, the termination of marital relations during probationary period leads to the deprivation of the temporary residence permit of the foreign partner.

In Germany, the Domestic Violence Protection Act works well. Enough in critical situation dial the telephone number of the German police - 110. There are shelters for women who have been subjected to domestic violence, where you can temporarily hide from the claims of a rowdy husband.

By the way, the money for the maintenance of the runaway spouse (and children) is deducted from the income of her German spouse.

In short, very important information for those women who managed to acquire a common child with a German citizen. If there is a situation where the husband threatens to take the child away, remember that German law (unlike the law of France or some US states) guards the interests of the child, regardless of what nationality, citizenship, race or religious beliefs his mother.

When marrying a foreigner, ask your lawyer the following important questions: how not to lose the right to raise a child in the event of a divorce? Is pocket money legally allowed for a non-working spouse? and does your working foreign spouse have the right not to contribute some part of the money to the family budget (both are accepted in Germany, for example)? Knowing these details will save you a lot of trouble.

Tying yourself by marriage with a foreigner, you should not be guided only by the desire to change the situation or the country. Even before marriage, I recommend finding out what kind exists living wage for a particular country and what income your fiancé has, given the fact that at first you are unlikely to have the opportunity to get a job, especially without knowing a foreign language at the right level. And it may turn out that a woman who is accustomed to a certain, not the lowest standard of living in Russia, may, due to her husband's low income, find herself abroad in significantly worse conditions.

Our Russian girls are very well versed in chats, forums and websites. They clearly know where to meet foreign suitors; they are fluent in flirting and the art of seduction at resorts, catching another victim on the net, but for some reason they forget to contact a lawyer or lawyer to get legal information regarding marriage in a particular country.

I think it's much better to prevent problems than to solve them later. Set yourself up only for the positive, but remember that no one is immune from divorce.

During the 12 years of my life in Bavaria, I had the opportunity to communicate with many mixed families. I can say with confidence that, basically, these families have taken place: some of them live in harmony for many years, and some have just begun to build their relationship. But harmony in the family of a young girl or a mature woman who has married a foreigner is obtained only when she strives to “rise” to the level at which her husband is. After all, the status of a foreign spouse is determined not as in Russia, only by the presence big money, but by his position in society, mainly by profession or position.

In order to get married and feel on an equal footing with your spouse, you need to be a person yourself.

In conclusion, I want to give some advice to women seeking to marry abroad:

Acquire a universal profession in your homeland or be ready for further study or retraining.
Do not be lazy in your country to get additional education, which may come in handy in a new country for you. For example, to complete paid one- or two-year courses in a promising specialty for the country you want to travel to. After all, Russian diplomas of higher education need to be confirmed abroad, but for less skilled work where it is easier to get a job, average is enough special education or skills acquired in courses, as well as knowledge of the language at the required level.
Learn foreign language in advance. Try to find a good teacher or courses. Before leaving, take grammar books, textbooks, dictionaries with you.
Try to get a driver's license before leaving, it will be very useful to you, you will be able to move independently and not depend on your husband.
Be legally savvy, at least in matters of citizenship and family, as well as employment. Remember, ignorance of the law is no excuse.

Society >> customs

"Partner" №12 (147) 2009

Breakfast in German, or why Russian-German marriages are fraught with danger.

Daria Boll-Palievskaya (Dusseldorf)

“Imagine, I am alone here, no one understands me,” Pushkin's Tatyana Larina wrote in her famous letter to Onegin.

Thousands of little things that for a German are things for granted, because he grew up with them, are not familiar to a Russian woman, they are not clear. And precisely because the German husband perceives the reality around him as something absolutely normal, it does not occur to him that his Russian wife should be “led” through a new way of life for her, in a figurative sense, by the hand, interpreting his world, his rules of the game .

All of us are characterized by the so-called "naive realism". That is, it seems to us that in the world there are only such orders that we have, and everyone who lives somehow differently is perceived by us either as narrow-minded or as ill-mannered people. Well, for example, in Germany it is customary to smear a bun with butter and only then put cheese or sausage on it. But it would never occur to an Italian to spread butter on ciabatta bread to put salami on it. Thus, it seems to the German that the Italian is eating the “wrong” sandwich and vice versa. Or in Russia it is customary to wash dishes under running water from the tap (for those who do not have dishwashers, of course), and the German will first pour a full sink of water and wash the dishes in it. For Russians, washing dishes like this is a fuss in dirty water, and a German will faint when he sees how Russians squander water. From such, it would seem, trifles, everyday life is woven. And these little things can spoil it, lead to quarrels.

The Russian wife, about to go to her birthday, did not think to pack a gift. Husband: “Who gives a book just like that, without a beautiful wrapper!” Here the wife proceeds from her habits. A husband blows his nose into a handkerchief so loudly on public transport that his Russian wife blushes. A Russian wife, after ten o'clock in the evening, calls her German acquaintances, her husband reproaches her for bad manners. And for her, this is nothing unusual. In Russia, people, one might say, only begin to live after ten in the evening, or rather hang on their phones. The husband is going to take out expensive insurance against unprofessional unsuitability, but the wife sees no point in this and insists on buying a new car. After all, we are used to living for today and do not like to think about the future. Such examples could be given endlessly.

Later, with the advent of children, conflicts related to upbringing may arise between spouses. A Russian mother cooks porridge for the baby for breakfast, the husband is horrified: “What kind of scumbag is this? A healthy breakfast is yogurt and muesli! That's what a child needs!" A German husband takes a child for a walk in bad weather, without a hat or scarf. Then it’s the turn of the Russian wife to be indignant: “Do you want the child to catch pneumonia?” Going to the parent-teacher meeting in kindergarten, the wife preens and puts on an elegant dress. Husband: “Why are you dressing so beautifully, we’re only going to kindergarten?”

How to get out of the vicious circle? Is any Russian-German marriage doomed to divorce? Of course not. “All happy families are alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” wrote Leo Tolstoy. To paraphrase the classic, we can probably say that all the so-called mixed Russian-German marriages are similar to each other, because they face very similar problems, they experience comparable conflicts.

Secondly, one must be very attentive to one's cultural roots. The fact is that a husband and wife often think that they quarrel because they “did not agree on the characters,” while it is their different cultures that make it difficult to understand each other. So explain to your husbands why you do something this way and not otherwise. Ask them to explain their actions as well.

We flew through Tallinn on a flight Hamburg - Tallinn - St. Petersburg.
After a wonderful day in Tallinn with our old, but newly found musician friends after a 15-year break, Sabina and I arrived in St. Petersburg from Tallinn on a cornfield that seemed about to collapse.

At the airport we were met in a car by my old friend. From St. Petersburg airport you can drive to the city center, making a small circle, through the embankments, which look just great on white nights: ancient buildings and palaces are beautifully illuminated and it seems that some of them just hover over the city(St. Isaac's Cathedral, the Admiralty, the monument to Peter, etc.).

My wife was in amazement, she saw many films about St. Petersburg, but to see such beauty with her own eyes was unusual and pleasant for her. We were so tired that we didn’t really understand and didn’t consider what the apartment-hotel, which we ordered via the Internet, was like. The windows of the apartment were tightly closed, so without opening them, we instantly fell into a dream. The beds were comfortable, the linen starched.

Waking up early in the morning, we opened the windows, and a mass of mosquitoes immediately rushed into the apartment, since there were no nets on the windows against these creatures. We appreciated how well we did that in the evening we did not open the windows, and therefore we slept peacefully all night. I knew that hot water was turned off in the city in June and was glad that we took a shower without complications. Going downstairs, we read on entrance doors what with today hot water is turned off. Near the house there is a pleasant cafe with a good interior, where we ordered pancakes, cheesecakes, pies and pies, which my wife really liked.

I called a friend who works in the Hermitage and asked her to take us to the museum. Sabina saw a huge queue of people entering the Hermitage, but we got into the museum without a queue from the service entrance. From the Hermitage we went to Nevsky Prospekt through Palace Square. Sabina remembered that she had read somewhere how a group of drunken sailors staged a so-called assault from this square. Winter Palace, that is, the current Hermitage. I told Sabina on the way about different historical buildings and the palaces we passed by. On Nevsky Prospekt, she was struck by many buildings, especially the Kazan Cathedral and the Book House. “Are there too many impressions in one day?”, - said the wife, after visiting the restored Eliseevsky store and the cafe located there, where we went to drink a cup of coffee, the price of which was much higher than the average price of the same cup in Germany. But the interior decoration and beauty of this cafe amazed us. Sabina never ceased to be surprised, as she said, by this city, unique in its architecture and superbly well-groomed center.

From the Hermitage she was simply shocked - especially the halls with Dutch painting (she is a great connoisseur and lover of this painting). She told me that they wrote in the newspapers that, it turns out, Piotrovsky was blackmailing the Dutch government, demanding that if they do not want Dutch painting to be flooded by rains, then it is necessary to give money for the roof. The Dutch really transferred a tidy sum and the Rembrandts were not flooded.
We dined at a very inexpensive Uzbek restaurant with tortillas and pilaf. The restaurant is run by Jews, with whom I managed to make connections with me during my previous visits to St. Petersburg. The lamb, which the chef himself brought to us on a beautiful dish, simply “melted” in the mouth. Leaning towards me, the chef told me confidentially that this lamb was not defrosted, but completely steamed, and he personally bought this meat at an expensive market for special customers. Sabina laughed a lot that we fell into the category of special clients.

She only repeated: “how interesting - to the Hermitage through the service entrance, in the restaurant - a familiar chef, tickets for the performance - by pull" .

On a preliminary call from our relative, we turned to the theater box office and received tickets to Mariinskii Opera House, which did not exist at all for everyone else. Sabina finally understood the advantage of "blat" and even learned this word, although in her German mouth the word "blat" And "bl..b" were practically indistinguishable. She only repeated: “how interesting - to the Hermitage through the service entrance, in the restaurant - a familiar chef, tickets for the performance - by pull" .

In St. Petersburg, it was 28 degrees of heat and wild humidity, which did not correspond to the forecasts of the Hydrometeorological Center of the Russian Federation about rain and cold. Relying on the Hydrometeorological Center, we arrived almost in autumn clothes, but here we were exhausted from the heat, we had to buy a few summer clothes. Sabina was surprised by the abundance of things, but at the same time by the sufficient high cost and, most importantly, by the absence of discounts on goods, which are constantly available in Germany.

Sabina was surprised that - at least, "Natashas" (according to the Germans, these are prostitutes) no longer walk along Nevsky Prospekt with a decollete in short skirts and high heels. I replied that the 1990s and even the 2000s had already passed, and now women, as always, especially in post-perestroika Russia, really look very attractive. We noticed how many beautiful, well-dressed and tastefully dressed girls are around, with bright make-up, which is not typical German women. But how these girls-women walk in such heels on asphalt, which melts from the heat, was completely incomprehensible to me, a man!

My wife loves everything here. I do everything for this!

In general, she says that the image of Russia created by the Western media over all these years is completely untrue, and that everything here is much more diverse than it seemed to her before. Now she understands her parents and many other Germans who really like the modern look of St. Petersburg, despite some moments of life that surprise them, Germans who love order.

during this wonderful time of white nights in June, hot water is always turned off in St. Petersburg, although there are a lot of tourists in the city.

Sabina said that she wanted to come to the city again, but not only to see architectural monuments but also to feel how they live simple people, look into courtyards and front doors, take public transport rather than a taxi and try to live in the city without "blat". And one more thing - she was very surprised by the presence of luxurious expensive cars on the roads of the city.

In general, Russia continues to be an incomprehensible country for foreigners, which they look at with eyes wide open in surprise.

Yuri.
Petersburg-Berlin-Hannover.

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