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Mother's love. Read Mother's Love Book Online Achievements in the Literary Sphere

The book is very strong. The main message is that children are not our property, only happy parents can raise happy children. I know firsthand about hyper-custody and hyper-love of a mother for her son (my husband). The constant interference of parents, especially mother-in-law, in our family severely blocked the development of both my relationship with my husband, and my husband in particular (he did not work, he went with the flow). I understood that while my mother is taking care of her overgrown child, neither he personally nor we, as a family, have any chances, but it was difficult to convey this idea even to my husband, and there is nothing to say about his parents. Recommended this book. I read it and received a huge internal response! The husband read it - he was skeptical, but something in their relationship has changed, the grain began to germinate. I gave it to my mother-in-law - she was very offended and put it aside, in principle, without reading it. I read it to my father-in-law and INSISTED that my mother-in-law read it as a very important and necessary book! After reading it, my mother-in-law came and said to me: "THANK YOU! Buy me this book, I want to give it to my daughter. This book should be given as a wedding gift to all couples, before they become parents!" She, like a mother, only wanted the best for her son! I just didn’t understand that with my guardianship I energetically blocked the opportunity for my son to grow. Her handouts in the form of a couple of hundred hryvnias (to keep the pants up while the son is not working), without which we did very well, did not help, but only aggravated the situation. It’s difficult for the mother-in-law, but after reading the book, we both drew conclusions and are looking for common ground: the mother-in-law tries (very much!) To accept her son’s family as a separate unit of society and almost came to terms with the idea that our family is me, my husband and our son, and they are not family members for us, but close relatives; I - with great understanding relate to the manifestations of "love" of parents - they need it to feel their need and just from an excess of free time. This book is useful for both parents and children. Now we have a NORMAL family relationship and a successful man (my husband) who provides for HIS family (me and my son). A man must be separated from his mother (psychologically born)! After reading the book in Once again firmly established in the idea that the child should not be the center of the mother's universe.

Anatoly Nekrasov

Mother's love

INTRODUCTION

I was riding in a subway car from the theater after watching a well-known play about motherly love, or rather, about its lack. Many have explored the topic: when a mother abandons a child. Yes, this drama occurs in life, but, in fact, this is not the worst misfortune, another drama is much more common, which is not so pronounced and therefore less attention is paid to it: this is when maternal love is manifested in excess, and then it brings people the most problems. That's what I was thinking while sitting in the car.

Late evening, few people. There is a heavy aftertaste in my soul after watching the performance due to the fact that the topic is not really disclosed, despite the fact that the performance has been going on for more than a hundred years and was written by a famous classic. And here the idea of an “alternative” performance began to be born. Just an idea - without any plans for its implementation. First, I have never considered dramaturgy to be my field. Secondly, the heavy workload of other issues did not allow delving into this topic. Although I immediately felt confident that I could write this performance, since the topic is well known to me, and on the other hand, from a more tragic and larger-scale side.

And suddenly a woman comes in at the bus stop, like two drops of water similar to my old patient! In the same black clothes as many years ago, when she was brought to me. That woman lost her son and for two years she lived, immersed in her grief. She could not see joyful faces - after all, her son died! It was difficult case- no one could bring her out of this state, and I had only two hours before her departure. I managed to bring her back to life due to the fact that I understood the main reason for the tragedy, and was able to convey it. And I will remember this incident for the rest of my life.

And so she appeared in the subway car to tell me that the topic is alive and important, and it needs to be revealed and conveyed to people. Of course, it was not the same woman, but very similar to her. I have not been surprised at such creativity of the World for a long time. This was a clear clue to me, and I sat down to work. This is how the chapter "Mother's Love" was written for the book "Living Thoughts".

Several years have passed, and all this time this topic has made itself felt. Many new examples accumulated, I explored this issue even more deeply, and when I was about to write the next book in the World in Me series, a few more signs came that left no doubt about what to write about. In fact, there are many examples of excessive maternal love. Literally, every day. This is truly a mass phenomenon, and when you read this book, you will see what is happening much deeper and will be able to see this problem from all sides.

Well, for example, why not a sign - the magazine "Seven Days" comes and on the cover it is written in large size: "Olga Ponizova:" I live only for the sake of my son. And it's over a million copies. I already know what this son's life will be like. Well, all right, these are her personal problems, but her worldview is brought out to a huge audience, and it can become an example for many. And nothing is opposed to this, no one will say in the same million copies that she is ruining her son! The TV program “My Family”, which gathers tens of millions of people on TV, also does not consider the destructive influence of excessive maternal love. Almost no one talks about this, except, perhaps, in the special psychological literature, and even then it is not studied in depth enough.

On the day when I was leaving on a “creative business trip” to the city of Ozyory to write a book, I received a letter from the city of S., in which a woman tells that her twelve-year-old son had died. The letter is laced with the woman's grief and shows that she and the boy's father separated five years ago because "he began to abuse alcohol." From the letter one can see great love for his son and great unity with him. In all cases, she says “we”: “we were treated”, “we did this ...” and the like. There is a common picture of excessive maternal love, which led to tragedy.

This letter was last straw, and before that I received a sign of a different kind. In Moscow it was like the First International Congress of Mothers. It was held in the hall of cathedrals of the Cathedral of Christ the Savior. Everything was very solid: the chic hall itself, and many foreign delegations, and representative guests, and serious topics of speeches, and the high status of the forum.

I was invited to speak at this congress, and I decided to declare the theme "Mother's love - back side medals." As I expected, all the speakers were talking about only one side of motherly love, oh great role mother and nobody said anything about female role, nor about the role of men and couples. As if all life consists precisely in motherhood, and it exists as if by itself, without the unity of a man and a woman, without their love. Even an Orthodox priest said in his speech: “But what about the men, where did you put them?”

The professor of psychology, leading the meeting, began to slowly push back my speech, as she was familiar with my report and did not agree with my position. I noticed this and reminded her of myself. Finally, she gives me the floor, prefixing it with these words: “Now I give the floor to a person with whose opinion you will probably disagree, but be patient and listen.” There is no bad without good. Thus, she only aroused interest in my performance and woke up the sleepy audience.

And surprisingly, my words about the enormous harmfulness of excessive maternal love, about the fact that love between parents, and not for a child, should come first in the value system, aroused understanding and a positive reaction from the majority! This made me happy. But the leader did not give up. She put to a vote (an unusual case!) the main postulates of my speech and ended up in the minority - only two people (she and her assistant) in the 1,500-strong audience voted "against"!

I have received confirmation that my research is progressing. right direction that in the depths of consciousness, many understand the other side of the coin of motherly love, only it is necessary to transfer this into the practice of life. This is how this book was born.

The theme of excessive maternal love has global character, only in some peoples it manifests itself weaker, while in others it is stronger, but it is present and gives rise to many problems all over the world. From minor family troubles and divorces, to the death of children and complex social problems and wars - this is the range of situations where main reason is excessive maternal love.

Do not rush to deny! Read, think, observe life, and you will surely agree with me, and you yourself will find many confirmations of what has been said. And it will change your outlook, and you will become wiser. Well, and most importantly, if you do not deny and creatively approach this topic, then you can change a lot in your life and in the lives of your children in better side.

MOTHERHOOD AND LOVE

Mother's heart in children

and children's - in stone.

(Proverb).

On the train every time interesting meetings. In the cramped space of the carriage compartment for many hours, as in a pressure chamber, 2-4 people are enclosed, which creates excellent conditions for deep communication. And the World always gives me different situations for teaching, gaining experience and helping people. I have already described road stories many times. They are usually simple, ordinary, but carry a lot of wisdom. This time, too, a conversation began in the compartment. Nadezhda (that was the name of my fellow traveler) was on her way to Moscow.

I'm going to my son, he military school finishes.

Apparently, the “son” is already 22–23 years old. B O a little "son" something, and you still call him so diminutively.

And he will be small for me until the end of my days! After all, he is my baby. Yes, besides, he is the last one, I call him that - “my little one”.

I realized that the world brought me again classic version excessive maternal love, and I decided to play a psychological performance with this woman.

I wonder how you gave birth to a child without a man? Why do you say that the child is “mine” and not “ours”?

Yes, of course, my husband took part in his birth, how could it be without him, but I’m used to considering the child my own, especially since we have a bad relationship with my husband, and besides, he drinks. All mothers say this: "my child."

Yes, indeed, many mothers say that about their children. Fortunately, not all! And you know, I noticed when a mother calls a child “hers” and not “ours”, it immediately shows what kind of relationship the family has and even see what the fate of the child will be. It's like a simple test, but it's always accurate and gives a very objective picture.

And you have a bad relationship with your husband, most likely due to the fact that for you children are the greatest value in life. Yes, and men often drink because there is no love for a woman, that she is all her feminine energy translates into motherhood, depriving her husband. So they start drinking, walking ...

Summary of the book by Anatoly Nekrasov "The fetters of maternal love" Currently, much is said about the suffering of children deprived of maternal love, but almost nothing is said about the suffering of children who are under the yoke of excessive maternal love. In almost every family, one can find an excess of motherly love. The manifestation of such love can be determined: by the presence of diseases and difficult fates of children; on insufficient implementation of the husband, wife, their illnesses, alcoholism; big problems in family relationships. This is when love for children becomes stronger than love to herself and her husband, when children come to the fore in the mother's value system, and the father and often the mother herself are relegated to the last plan. What are the main causes of excessive maternal love? The main components of excessive maternal love: This is the instinct of procreation, which comes from the very depths of the animal world and is necessary for the birth of maternal love. There is selfishness - the mother greatly complicates the creation of a family for children. In maternal love, the feeling of ownership occupies the main position. You can also often find pronounced female feelings for your son. Here unexpressed love for a man is manifested. This feeling can manifest itself not only when a man is not in the family, but also when there is not enough love between the parents or they have a bad relationship. And the woman splashes out on her son all her unspent female love. The mother consciously or unconsciously does not want her son to marry. Women's unspent energies can manifest themselves to their daughter through jealousy. It is love for a child, as a result of the love of a man and a woman, which distinguishes a person from an animal. The fifth reason is pity. Pity often replaces the feeling of love. It is directed at the sick, the weak, fixes them in this state, destroys, humiliates and hinders their development. The more sorry a person is, the more problems he has. Examples from life. 1. A typical family of three - father, mother and son. Wealth is average, parents have a higher education, relations in the family are good: the husband does not drink, does not walk, no one saw quarrels. The child grew up quiet, obedient, studied "normally" at school, did not hang out with companies, did not smoke, did not indulge in drugs. The parents were pleased with the child and encouraged him for his quiet life - he did not need anything. They did not have more children, so that they could fully provide for one. According to their connections and financial capabilities, the parents chose an institute for him. He himself didn’t care where to study, especially since everything was paid for, and he didn’t have to work too hard. Parents bought a foreign car for a student. Life continued in the same calm mode. When the son wanted to live with a girl, the mother said: "When you get married, then - please, everything should be like people." The result was an ordinary situation - love for the child turned out to be greater than for her husband. There was no noticeable deterioration in family relations, everything seemed to be normal. But this "normality" was actually fraught with great dangers. 2. A second son is born, but he turned out to be painful. The mother begins to pay increased attention to him, relegating her eldest son and husband to the background. Pity for the smaller, weaker, does its job. As the mother paid more and more attention to the sick son, his problems grew. He falls from the third floor, he is rescued, and his mother gave him her blood by direct transfusion. The husband, deprived of attention and love, became seriously ill. After some time, the youngest son gets involved with drug addicts and dies. This simple situation will make it possible to understand simple truth: if there is a shortage of something, then you need to at least distribute it correctly! If a child is sick, then first of all, parents need to reveal love for each other! In the love of parents, the child will recover quickly. If love in a person is fully revealed, then it will be enough for everyone, and no distribution is needed. If there is an incomplete disclosure of love, then it is necessary to distribute: first, love yourself and your half, then children, then parents, and so on. 3. In managing the family, the "first violin" was played by the mother. A purposeful, strong-willed woman solved the main issues in the family, especially when the question of a child arose. For her, he was the main value in life. The father was gentle and calmly carried out the decisions of his wife. And if he objected, he quickly gave up under her pressure. He tried not to argue and long ago resigned himself to such a position, which allowed him to maintain calm relations in the family. But, having taken such a position, the father could not become an authority for his son. The son, looking at his father, realized early on that such a position was beneficial - the less you argue, the more reward you get, and he began to play by these rules. Young energy demanded an outlet, and all around were the control and prohibitions of the mother. And he found a way out: he secretly took up car racing. Not professional, but amateur, with the same crushed and dissatisfied young people who needed self-affirmation. They found sections of roads where they raced without any rules - they psychologically needed a way out "outside the flags" - somewhere they needed to find freedom! He became a different person: aggressive, tough. When he was traveling with his mother, he did not exceed the speed limit. His inner world was unknown to his mother. She needed external decency, which he observed. Strong maternal love does not involve frank friendship. It builds relationships in only one direction. But excessive maternal love is blind. And the stronger it is, the more difficult it is to reach the mother's consciousness. Therefore, she did not notice the duality of her son's condition, his double life, the absence of real values in it. Values were violated in her, and therefore she could not objectively assess the situation, and her son crashes into a pole at great speed and dies, and with him more friends. People do not learn not only from others, but also from their own mistakes. This is why parents often live longer than their children. 4. Maternal love, having a blood and long-term relationship of living together with a child, is energetically very strong. And it is extremely difficult for a daughter-in-law to overcome such strong motherly love with her love. The situation is even more complicated when living together with parents. Therefore, young people need to start life on their own, especially if the parents do not have love for each other, no happy life. Under the influence of maternal love, love between the young can easily go out. For this reason, a huge number of divorces occur, many destinies break. Life is a mirror internal state human, so like attracts like. You need to realize this and let go of your children yourself, give them more independence, and the mother herself needs to take care of her femininity! It is necessary for young people to become an example and show the true path of development of relations in the family. You need to pay attention to yourself, to the creation and strengthening of your couple, to more and more reveal the facets of your happiness, and then the children will gradually begin to change. 5. The older the children become, the closer old age is to the mother, the more maternal feeling becomes more and more "motherly". The feeling of ownership in this love increases, it becomes aggressive, and the children, sensing this, try to stay as far away from their mother as possible. The conflict is growing. The mother, in order to tie her children to her, begins to get sick in order to play on pity. 6. You can often hear the words spoken with pride and defiance: "I gave everything to my children! I devoted my whole life to them!" But in fact: “I could not reveal myself, my love, become a woman and therefore did not create happy family. And I chose a not very wise, but easier way - to give my love to children, which created problems for them in life. 7. Often the mother focuses on the child in order to get rid of the meaninglessness of her life. She builds a relationship with him as a "master-slave" or as a "lover", ready to fulfill all his desires and whims. In both cases, it does not allow him to show independence, suppresses the initiative and forms irresponsibility and helplessness in him. Since she tries to do everything for the child, he becomes dependent on the whims of the mother, and the mother - on the whims of the child. He becomes a capricious appendage of his mother, and she is pleased with this position. In such a union, the father becomes superfluous in the family. And he begins to fight with the child for the lost influence, or starts drinking, or leaves the family. Psychologically, everything has already been prepared by the mother herself from the moment the child appears, and the departure itself is a consequence. Women often do not realize the true reason for what happened and bring down their anger on the "infidel", on the "razluchnitsa", aggravating the situation, even more uniting with the child against the father. Here already problems cannot be avoided. 8. In children, the humiliation of the father will also manifest itself. In them, the male energies will be humiliated and the corresponding events will be attracted. Men will appear near the girl who will humiliate her in every possible way, and the guy will most likely have a wife who will put him "under the heel". 9. This happens especially often when a woman has volitional traits. “Pushed” from the first position in the family, a man is hardly realized in society. He can no longer "fly" and reveal his talents, but will "crawl" on the ground and "plow". It is becoming more and more difficult for him to financially provide for his family, and a woman can take on a leading role in this area, and even more oust her husband from the space of the family. 10. big topic- when the wife reveals maternal feelings so strongly that the husband becomes another "child", and she becomes another "mom" for him. Women are not shy about talking about their husband as if they were their child - they simply do not understand that by doing so they show that they have ceased to be women. This is the basis for many problems, including these: someone will see in him not a son, but a man, and will take him away. 11. Particularly great difficulties arise where adult daughter lives with his single mother. And if the daughter cannot overcome the influence of the mother, reveal her feminine qualities and separate from her, then the mother can completely block her fate. A mother can use her daughter's energies, live energetically at her expense. The daughter will get sick, grow old faster, and the mother will live and live ... 12. Sometimes a girl from the very early childhood strong motherly love. If special measures are not taken in her upbringing, then, growing up, the daughter can force her mother out of the family, right up to her death - it is difficult for two mothers to get along under one roof. But the daughter can be left without a family. For her family will be brothers, sisters, father. Here is salvation in the ever-growing love of a mother for her husband, in the disclosure of femininity. 13. The daughter graduated from the institute well, interesting job offers appeared. She lived with her mother and, naturally, her mother helped her financially. After some time, the girl had difficulties with work, and then she was fired altogether. 14. A mother alone brings up a child - today this is a very common case. The main reason for this situation is excessive maternal feeling. A woman translates the energies of femininity into the energies of motherhood and does not sound like a woman. In her system of values, a man is not in the first place, so he will not come into this space, and if he does, it will not be for long. And the woman is surprised that men do not linger in any way, and accuses them of inconstancy. Incomplete and conflict families are the result heightened love to the child, violations of the value system in the family. And conflicts in the family and an incomplete family launch the next round of problems, further disrupting the development of the child's personality. As a result, disharmonious children come into life and begin to create their lives in the image and likeness of their parents. Nothing is taken from nothing, and the problems of children grow out of the problems of parents. That's why wise parents wanting to help their children, take care of themselves, their relationships. It is necessary for young people to become an example and show the true path of development of relations in the family. You need to pay attention to yourself, to the creation and strengthening of your couple, to more and more reveal the facets of your happiness, and then the children will gradually begin to change.

And suddenly a woman comes in at the bus stop, like two drops of water similar to my old patient! In the same black clothes as many years ago, when she was brought to me. That woman lost her son and for two years she lived, immersed in her grief. She could not see joyful faces - after all, her son died! It was a difficult case - no one could bring her out of this state, and I had only two hours before her departure. I managed to bring her back to life due to the fact that I understood the main reason for the tragedy, and was able to convey it. And I will remember this incident for the rest of my life.

This letter was the last straw, and before that I received a sign of a different kind. In Moscow it was like the First International Congress of Mothers. It was held in the hall of cathedrals of the Cathedral of Christ the Savior. Everything was very solid: the chic hall itself, and many foreign delegations, and representative guests, and serious topics of speeches, and the high status of the forum.

I was invited to speak at this congress, and I decided to announce the theme "Mother's love is the other side of the coin." As I expected, all the speakers spoke only about one side of motherly love, about the great role of the mother, and no one spoke about either the female role or the role of the man and the couple. As if all life consists precisely in motherhood, and it exists as if by itself, without the unity of a man and a woman, without their love. Even an Orthodox priest said in his speech: “But what about the men, where did you put them?”

I received confirmation that my research is going in the right direction, that in the depths of consciousness many people understand the other side of the mother's love medal, only it needs to be transferred to the practice of life. This is how this book was born.

The theme of excessive maternal love is global in nature, only in some nations it manifests itself weaker, while in others it is stronger, but it is present and gives rise to many problems all over the world. From petty family troubles and divorces, to the death of children and complex social problems and wars - this is the spectrum of situations where excessive motherly love is the main reason.

Current page: 1 (total book has 11 pages) [accessible reading excerpt: 8 pages]

Anatoly Nekrasov
Mother's love

Introduction

I was riding in a subway car from the theater after watching a well-known play about motherly love, or rather, about its lack. Many have explored the topic: when a mother abandons a child. Yes, this drama occurs in life, but, in fact, this is not the worst misfortune, another drama is much more common, which is not so pronounced and therefore less attention is paid to it: this is when maternal love is manifested in excess. This is what brings people the greatest problems, but little is said or written about it. That's what I was thinking while sitting in the car.

Late evening, few people. There is a heavy aftertaste in my soul after watching the performance due to the fact that the topic is not really disclosed, despite the fact that performance is on for more than a hundred years and was written by a famous classic. And here the idea of an “alternative” performance began to be born. Just an idea - without any plans for its implementation. First, I have never considered dramaturgy to be my field. Secondly, the heavy workload of other issues did not allow delving into this topic. Although I immediately felt confident that I could write this performance, since the topic is well known to me, and on the other hand, from a more tragic and larger-scale side.

And suddenly a woman comes in at the bus stop, like two drops of water similar to my old patient! In the same black clothes as many years ago, when she was brought to me. That woman lost her son and for two years she lived, immersed in her grief. She could not see happy faces - how people can smile when her son died! It was a difficult case - no one could bring her out of this state, and I had only two hours before her departure. I managed to bring her back to life thanks to the fact that I understood the main reason for the tragedy and was able to convey it to the woman. And I will remember this incident for the rest of my life.

And so she appeared in the subway car to tell me that the topic is alive and important, and it needs to be revealed and conveyed to people. Of course, it was not the same woman, but very much like her. I have not been surprised at such creativity of the World for a long time. This was a clear clue to me, and I sat down to work. This is how the chapter "Mother's Love" was written for the book "Living Thoughts".

Several years have passed, and all this time this topic has made itself felt. Many new examples accumulated, I explored this issue even more deeply, and when I was about to write the next book in the World in Me series, a few more signs came that left no doubt about what to write about. In fact, there are many examples of excessive maternal love. Literally every day. This is truly a mass phenomenon, and when you read this book, you will see what is happening much deeper and will be able to see this problem from all sides.

Well, for example, what is not a sign - the magazine "Seven Days" comes and on the cover it is written in large size: "Olga Ponizova:" I live only for the sake of my son "". And it's over a million copies. I already know what this son's life will be like. Well, all right, these are her personal problems, but her such worldview is brought out to a huge audience, and it can become an example for many. And nothing is opposed to this, no one will say in the same million copies that she is ruining her son! The TV program “My Family”, which gathered tens of millions of people on TV, also did not consider the destructive influence of excessive maternal love. Almost no one talks about this, except, perhaps, in the special psychological literature, and even then it is not studied in depth enough.

On the day when I was leaving on a “creative business trip” to the city of Ozery to write a book, I received a letter from the city of S. in which a woman tells that her twelve-year-old son had died. The letter is riddled with the grief of this woman, and from this letter it becomes clear that they parted ways with the boy's father five years ago, because "he began to abuse alcohol." From the letter one can see great love for his son and great unity with him. In all cases, she says “we”: “we were treated”, “we did this ...” and the like. There is a common picture of excessive maternal love, which led to the tragedy.

This letter was the last straw, and before that I received a sign of a different kind. The First International Congress of Mothers was held in Moscow. It was held in the Cathedral Hall of the Cathedral of Christ the Savior. Everything was very solid: the chic hall itself, and many foreign delegations, and representative guests, and serious topics of speeches, and the high status of the forum.

The professor of psychology, leading the meeting, began to slowly push back my speech, as she was familiar with my report and, as I understood later, did not agree with my position. I noticed this and reminded her of myself. Finally, she gives me the floor, prefixing it with these words: “Now I give the floor to a person with whose opinion you will certainly not agree, but be patient and listen.” There is no bad without good. With such a preface, she only aroused interest in my speech and woke up the sleepy audience.

The theme of excessive maternal love is global in nature, only in some nations it manifests itself weaker, while in others it is stronger, but it is present and gives rise to many problems all over the world: from minor family troubles and divorces to the death of children and complex social problems and wars - this is the spectrum situations where the main reason is excessive maternal love.

Do not rush to deny! Read, think, observe life, and you will surely agree with me and you yourself will find many confirmations of what has been said. And it will turn your worldview upside down, and you will become wiser. Well, and most importantly, if you do not deny and creatively approach this topic, then you can change a lot in your life and in the life of your children for the better.

motherhood and love

Interesting meetings happen every time on the train. In the cramped space of the carriage compartment for many hours, as in a pressure chamber, several people are enclosed, which creates excellent conditions for deep communication. And the World always gives me various situations for learning, gaining experience and for helping people. I have already described road stories many times. They are usually simple, ordinary, but carry a lot of wisdom. This time, too, a conversation began in the compartment. Nadezhda (that was the name of my fellow traveler) was on her way to Moscow.

- I'm going to my son, he is finishing a military school.

- Apparently, the “son” is already 22–23 years old. Big "son" something, and you still call him so diminutively.

- And he will be small for me until the end of my days! After all, he is my baby. And besides, he is the last one, I call him that - “my little one”.

I realized that the World again brought me the classic version of excessive motherly love, and I decided to play a psychological performance with this woman.

- I wonder how you gave birth to a child without a man? Why do you say the child is "mine" and not "ours"?

- Yes, of course, my husband took part in his birth, how could it be without him, but I'm used to considering the child my own, especially since we have a bad relationship with my husband, and besides, he drinks. All mothers say so: "my child."

– Yes, indeed, many mothers say that about their children. Fortunately, not all! And you know, I noticed when a mother calls a child “hers” and not “ours”, it immediately shows what kind of relationship the family has and you can even see what the child’s fate will be. It's like a simple test, but it's always accurate and gives a very objective picture.

And a bad relationship with your husband, most likely, precisely because for you children are the greatest value in life. Yes, and men often drink because there is no love for a woman, that she transfers all her feminine energy into motherhood, depriving her husband. So they start drinking, walking ...

For me, children are the most precious thing in life. For them I live. How else? For any mother, if it is really a mother, and not some fluffy tail, children are always the most expensive. A mother would give her life for a child.

– Thank God, not everyone thinks so, otherwise intelligent life on Earth would have ceased to exist long ago. Life is kept on Earth precisely thanks to those who think differently and believe that the main thing in life is not children, but a husband and wife, that is, a couple - this is what is the greatest value, because they create the greatest force in the Universe - love They are the ones who give life. A man and a woman, a couple - that's the greatest value!

- What a couple! When a husband drinks, what kind of love and what kind of couple can you talk about? He lives his own life, and I and the children are different. He has little interest in the lives of children, and indeed in all household chores, so everything is on me.

- Tell me, did your life begin like that? Didn't you like him before? And what, he started drinking from the very first day? Most likely, he became like that next to you, therefore, you are involved in such his “growth”.

“It was not easy with him from the very beginning. He is very attached to his mother, and she constantly interfered in our lives and interfered very much.

- You see, life has already shown you an example of how a strong attachment to a child interferes with his life. Why are you repeating the mistake of your mother-in-law, can't you see that you are following the same path? Apparently, you are strongly attached to your children, and they will have the same fate as their father. After all, you can only give children what you have yourself! Here you and your husband pass on the same problems to them.

This is the way we talked. I know that a lot of women would talk like this. The road was long, and we discussed a lot, almost all of her life. Nadezhda learned a lot of interesting things about herself and her life, thanks to a look from the outside, and even a psychologist. It turned out many hours of deep psychotherapy. I hope that the woman learned the lessons from this communication, and something will change in her life for the better, because it was not in vain that she was brought together with me.

I will not give the whole conversation, because the book is entirely about this - about the relationship of a man and a woman, about children and parents, about family and kind and, of course, about love. And I was convinced once again how typical mistakes people make in life situations and then complain about the problems that have arisen. So enough of the preface, let's start delving into the topic.

Life is constantly teaching people, creating many situations as examples and lessons literally every day. Some of the lessons are very serious, many of them dramatic and even tragic. A bus with children had an accident, babies were infected with a deadly disease in the maternity hospital, burned down Orphanage, and children died in it, the roof of the water park collapsed, it was in the part where the children were, the plane with the children crashed, the terrorists seized the school, raped and killed children ... There are a lot of similar messages every year. Not to mention the fact that many children die from diseases, drown in water bodies, get hit by cars, or even simply disappear to no one knows where. Why are children dying? What did they manage to do in life, what sins to commit in order to leave so early from life, and even tragically?

It is difficult to accept tragedy as a lesson, so we do not accept it, but the lessons are repeated, and tragedy follows tragedy. Again and again children perish individually and in groups. Television, newspapers spread these lessons to the whole world, and we all do not want to understand the main reason for what is happening. But these scary lessons for each of us! And now they are already happening very close, touching our loved ones. Apparently, such lessons will continue, as the consciousness of people is changing slowly.

When children die, even if they are strangers, it is very difficult to keep the mind calm and objectively understand the causes of what happened. But other times have come, and now there are all the necessary conditions to be more conscious and deeply understand the reasons, otherwise the problems will grow and more and more children will die for "incomprehensible" reasons. Therefore, the issue under consideration is vital.

The soul of a child, leaving life, does not suffer, parents suffer. This is done for them first. tragic event, as well as for those who are close to them, and for those who learned about this tragedy. What lessons should people learn from each such tragedy? The first lesson, the most important and most difficult, is to understand real reasons what happened.

I had many times to communicate with parents who have lost children, and to understand the reasons that led to these tragedies. I had to talk with many mothers of Beslan, whose children died. And years of experience show that

The main reason for the premature death of children is in excessive feelings on the part of parents towards children, that is, a violation of the value system.

It may seem incredible to some that excessive parental, and most often maternal, feeling is the cause of large and small tragedies. Do not rush to deny, I will try to prove that this is exactly the case. Who listened to my arguments, accepted them, he changed a lot in his life. Moreover, those who were on the verge of losing a child, realizing the problem, saved their children! And there are enough such examples to confirm the correctness of this reason.

The scene in the Bible is symbolic when Abraham sacrifices his son to God. These pages are filled with great wisdom. A person is invited to restore the true system of values in his life: not children are the greatest value, but God, that is, Love. This lesson was given to mankind millennia ago, but how many of those who have learned from this and other lessons?

Most parents consider children the greatest value in life. But this is the deepest violation of natural laws.

Animals, following these laws, always release their offspring in time and, thanks to this, receive a healthy continuation of the species.

When a tragedy has already occurred, it is very difficult to convey to the parents the reasons for what happened. Only after some time they can understand and accept something. So that there are no such tragedies, so that parents suffer less and less, let's look into this issue as deeply as possible. The more people realize the true causes of problems with children, the less they will be, and not only for these people, but for many others. As the Bible says, save yourself and thousands will be saved.

chief actor in all these dramatic and tragic performances of life there is a maternal feeling.

Fathers also meet crazy loving their children, but much less frequently. And this is understandable, because motherhood awakens in a woman already during pregnancy and creates a blissful consciousness of what is contained in her. new life and the happiness of waiting for a new person. And then the birth of a child, amazement and joy when she holds him for the first time in her arms, deep pleasure and satisfaction from breastfeeding, happiness from the fact that he needs her care and love. All this creates an amazing and unique complex of maternal feelings and emotions.

This is true, most mothers experience all this to the fullest. A mother does more than just give a child life. She, more than anyone else, shapes his character, worldview, and destiny. This is how holy maternal love is born, about which it is customary to speak only in high style. Against the background of the ascension of maternal love (up to the divine spheres), talking about its harm is rather risky, but necessary. A person needs to be aware of both sides of this feeling, which occupies a huge space in a person’s life.

Motherhood is a program embedded in a person at the time of his creation in the form of an instinct. The program is necessary for the birth and upbringing of offspring. This is a program of the animal world, but animals, unlike humans, release their babies on time, even drive them away to independent life so that they grow up worthy of their kind. In humans, additional instincts are added public programs.

And now motherhood becomes the main thing in a woman's life. From childhood, the girl is taught that she must become a mother. Around her she sees just such a life, and society imposes on her just such a meaning of life. And no one will tell her that she comes into this life to be in love! To love yourself, people, men, the Earth, life, and motherhood can be at the same time, if she wants, as a consequence this love. Precisely as a consequence, and not as the main goal of life! And many women, without having time to reveal femininity, become mothers. As a result, they do not truly become women, and mothers too.

It is customary to say about maternal love that it is holy. But no disclosure negative aspects maternal love, people will not be able to advance towards the truth in the most difficult issues of the relationship between a man and a woman, parents and children. In literature, cinema, theatrical performances much is said about the suffering of children deprived of maternal love, and a thousand times less about the suffering of children under the yoke of excessive maternal love.

In my opinion, people are not deeply aware of the negative meaning excessive maternal love, breaking the fate, and sometimes taking the life of her children, giving rise to many diseases of the woman herself, destroying the family and society. Moreover, many women do not want to hear about it.

What does it mean - excessive, strong motherly love? This is when love for children becomes stronger than love for oneself and for one's husband, when children come to the fore in the mother's value system, and the father, and often the mother herself, is relegated to the background.

There are certain criteria that show the excessiveness of maternal love in a particular family. This is primarily the presence of diseases and complex destinies children. Secondly, the lack of realization of the husband, his illness and, most often, alcoholism. Thirdly, the presence of big problems in family relationships. This is what lies on the surface. Further, in society as a whole, a huge number of unrealized men and women also have their roots in excessive motherly love. All this is not a product of my fantasies. Take a closer look around, and you will see a lot of evidence of this.

Is it even possible to call this feeling of a mother love? In fact true love there is very little in it. Therefore, it would be more correct to call it maternal feeling.

What are the main causes of this harmful feeling?

First and most important: a woman does not realize the meaning of her life and, as a result, the value system is violated.

Not knowing why she came to Earth, a woman often believes that for the birth of children. And it all begins with this delusion - children become the meaning of life.

The second reason is similar problems in parents and grandparents.

That is, as a rule, this problem comes from the depths of the family and is inherited by subsequent descendants.

The third reason is moral attitudes, religious postulates and traditions. modern society to put children first in life.

The problem is aggravated by the fact that “holy motherhood” is embedded by religions in the very depths of beliefs, and this is the basis of the worldview.

The fourth reason is the animal feeling of the female, which took shape in man in a sense of ownership.

The feeling of ownership gives the woman hope for a reciprocal feeling, and the child directly shows reciprocal feelings, and this makes the mother-child bond very strong. All this creates the strongest attachment, to break which is often not possible until the end of life. The rarest case when in the nature of a woman there is no sense of ownership directed at her beloved child. This is a high state of spirituality, which is talked about a lot, but often does not have.

The fifth component of maternal feeling is pity.

This is where a lot of trouble comes from. Russian women are very compassionate towards men, and especially towards children. Sacrifice is born out of pity. Pity often replaces the feeling of love. Pity is much easier to show than love, which is why it often replaces love. However, it destroys the one who is pitied, humiliates him, hinders his development. They pity the weak, sick, crippled, fixing them in this state. And the more they pity a person, the more problems he has.

Here are the main reasons for this global problem – excessive maternal feeling. Very often they can be found in life, and in almost every family. That's why we live like this.

Let's look at one real life example. A typical family of three is father, mother and son. Wealth is average, parents have a higher education, relations in the family are good: the husband does not drink, does not walk, no one saw quarrels. The child grew up quiet, obedient, studied “normally” at school, did not hang out with companies, did not smoke, did not indulge in drugs.

The parents were pleased with the child and encouraged him for his quiet life - he did not need anything. They did not have more children, so that they could fully provide for one.

According to their connections and financial capabilities, the parents chose an institute for him. He himself didn’t care where to study, especially since everything was paid for, and he didn’t have to work too hard. The student's parents bought a Zhiguli. Life continued in the same calm mode. When the son wanted to live with a girl, the mother said: "When you get married, then - please, everything should be like people."

By the end of the institute, the son asked for an imported car. Parents pulled themselves together (mother took a loan from a bank) and gave him a BMW for his birthday.

Where in such a situation, you ask, is the excess maternal love? Well, they spoiled the child a little, and who does not spoil. If parents have the opportunity, then why not give only child live well? One can argue about incentive measures, but each family decides on its own. Often you can see that children dress better than their parents, have more privileges. But this is a separate issue, although it also concerns excessive parental feelings.

Everything would be fine in this standard situation, but subsequent events make you think. On his birthday, having received a car as a gift, the son crashes into a pole at high speed and dies, and with him three more friends.

The grief of parents who lost their only son cannot be described. And the mother will have to pay off the loan for the car for another five years, remembering every month that this car caused death. Why did this happen? Why is fate so cruel to this woman? "For what?" the mother asks.

With the permission of my parents, I described this incident, without naming any names or the city where it all happened. Let's try to understand this difficult situation and learn from it. I hope they will help many to understand their problems.

In managing the family, the “first violin” was played by the mother. A purposeful, strong-willed woman solved the main issues in the family, especially when the question of her son arose. For her, he was the main value in life. She insisted on not having a second child, although the World several times brought her very close to solving this issue. The mother completely controlled the life of the family and, in particular, her son.

The father was gentle and calmly carried out the decisions of his wife. And if he objected, as in the case of the last car, he quickly gave up under its pressure. He tried not to argue and long ago resigned himself to such a position, which allowed him to maintain calm relations in the family. But, having taken such a position, the father could not become an authority for his son.

The son, looking at his father, realized early on that such a position was beneficial - the less you argue, the more reward you get, and he began to play by these rules. The mother liked the complaisance of her son, and she encouraged him in every possible way for this. But it is not in vain that there is a saying: "There are devils in the still waters." Young energy demanded an outlet, and all around were the control and prohibitions of the mother.

And he found a way out: he secretly took up car racing. Not professional, but amateur, with the same crushed and dissatisfied young people who needed self-affirmation. They found sections of the road where there were no police, and drove without any rules - they psychologically needed a way out "beyond the flags" - they had to find freedom somewhere!

As an eyewitness said, the guy completely changed when he got behind the wheel. He became a different person: aggressive, tough. He, as it were, broke free from the fetters and frolicked, not knowing the danger. When he was driving with his mother, the speed did not exceed the permitted 60 or 90. And when, after his death, his mother was told that the speed was about 200 km / h, she did not believe: “He never drove at a speed of more than 90!” She did not know her son at all.

His inner world was unknown to his mother. She needed external decency, which he observed. Strong maternal love does not involve frank friendship. It builds relationships in only one direction. And the father was not an authority for the son. The only person the boy was friends with was his grandfather. He, despite the difference in age, was his friend, and when his grandfather died, the boy was very worried and very often went to his cemetery. When his relative asked why he went to the cemetery so often, he replied that he went to talk to his grandfather. He clearly lacked companionship.

The world gave parents a lot of various signs, warning them that not everything is fine with the guy, but strong maternal love is blind. And the stronger it is, the more difficult it is to reach the mother's consciousness. Therefore, she did not notice the duality of her son's condition, his double life, the absence of real values in it. Values were violated in her, and therefore she could not objectively assess the situation, and did not hear, did not see warning, prompting signs.

The death of children is always a lesson for parents. Such events are very serious not only for parents, but also for relatives, for the whole family, for the people around them. Unfortunately, more often than not, few people learn from even such hard lessons. People do not learn not only from others, but also from their own mistakes. This is why parents often live longer than their children.

Motherly love creates problems not only because it stands out from the whole spectrum of Love and is put at the forefront. The reason is also that it carries a lot of impurities: a sense of ownership, affection, selfishness, dissatisfaction, pride, a desire to assert itself through a child, etc. It turns out that there is very little love in maternal love.

Therefore, it is better to call maternal feeling. Let us consider in more detail the components of this feeling, impurities, which make holy love negative.

Its basis is procreation instinct which comes from the depths of the animal world. Animals more than humans follow this instinct, more sacrificially, while humans often turn on their reason and suppress the instinct. Therefore, there are times when mothers do not act according to instinct. There was a message on television that a mother was selling her five-month-old baby to pay off debts.

An instinct that is not clouded by consciousness is necessary for the birth of maternal love.

Selfish feeling. The mother sees in the child an extension of herself for her unsolved problems, consciously or unconsciously shifts her problems onto the child. For example, a mother is single, but she wants her daughter to get married and "have a normal family." The mother herself does not want to work on herself so that a man is nearby or no longer wants to bind herself with the family, and solves this problem through her daughter. There is selfishness here. clean water- the mother greatly complicates the daughter's creation of a family. Egoism includes the desire to see a helper in a child and with his help secure his old age.

Feeling of ownership. As a rule, in the maternal feeling, this component occupies the main position. "My child", "my blood" and the like sounds from the lips of mothers, showing the presence of this harmful feeling. And this sense of ownership is what we focus on in this book.

Women's love. Yes, it is not uncommon to find subtle or pronounced female feelings for your son. Here unexpressed love for a man is manifested. This feeling can manifest itself not only when a man is not in the family, but also when there is not enough love between the parents or they have a bad relationship with them. And the woman splashes out on her son all her unspent female love. As a rule, this happens unconsciously, but there are cases of conscious actions, up to the inclination to intimate relationships. The mother consciously or unconsciously does not want her son to marry. And it often happens that in words she says: "It's time for you to get married," but in the subconscious it sounds different, and blocks the road.

Women's unspent energies can manifest themselves to their daughter in a peculiar way - through jealousy. Again, very subtly, imperceptibly or strongly, brightly, preventing the daughter from starting her own family. Many mothers, if they honestly look deep into themselves, can find a manifestation of female feelings.

Quite often, instead of female love or along with it, there is pity. We have already spoken about pity. Indeed, this is a very strong feeling in terms of energy and can do a lot ...

And the fifth component of maternal feeling is the brightest and purest. It is she who drives evolution. This is love for a child, as TO THE RESULT OF LOVE OF A MAN AND A WOMAN. This, the main component of maternal love, is not felt and realized by most women. And this is exactly what distinguishes a person from an animal. IN reasonable person this component should be the main one, and most often it is barely noticeable against the background of all the listed feelings.

And you need to start awakening the holy maternal feeling from understanding the great role of love for a man in a woman's life!

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